Rebuilding After Affairs

Since working with individuals over the years to heal from infidelity and marriages with multiple wives, I have learnt what successful re-builders do compared to those unsuccessful in repairing their relationships after affairs.

Whilst there is no denying that affairs can destroy love, relationships and self-confidence, they don’t have to.
As long as the betrayer follows some crucial steps to help their spouse heal and together the couple look at ways to improve and strengthen their marriage.

Below I have listed 6 things that are vital in recovery healing after affairs, my lessons from the 12 years I have been working with individuals with emotional distress.

Multiple Wife Families

I have no moral, religious, political or social view on multiple wife marriages, all I know is that for some (not all) families I have worked with they can cause a great deal of emotional pain, stress and destroy relationships. Making life difficult for all involved including the children. It is not for me to judge or say whether it is good or bad, all I do is help families and individuals suffering recover and rebuild. Where I have used deep mediation healing and forgiveness techniques for some and strategy coaching and relationship repairing for others. Some of the same 6 principles below that help healing after an affair, can also help healing here.

6 Essentials for Recovery

Empathy

The first and most vital step in healing is empathy. Only when the betrayer can really grasp the extent of the pain, heartache and damage they have caused and demonstrate this understanding to their spouse can healing begin. Empathy not sympathy is important. Empathy recognizes the pain and acknowledges that it is our problem, we are suffering. Whereas sympathy is “I feel sorry for you.” this doesn’t work as it makes it feel like the betrayed, not only had the affair happen to them, they have to fix themselves to repair it.

Must be Ended Effectively
It should also go without saying that the affair needs to be totally over before recovery can begin. All communication must be cut and the person removed from the picture. Any withdrawal symptoms the betrayer has must be managed.

It is hard enough to rebuild the marriage without the other person being around and almost impossible if the lover is still present.

So after ending it and empathizing what else needs to happen?

Relationship Emotional Needs

Successful couples need to focus on each other’s most important relationship needs, as discussed in lesson 3. They need to meet their top 3-5 needs, as well as avoid the things that destroy love. This will strengthen the connection and communication.

Rebuilding Trust

Rebuilding of trust must happen to move forward, the betrayer needs to be as open and as honest as possible about everything. Where they are going, what they are doing, give access to their phones, social media, emails and calendar.

Patience

Healing and rebuilding safety and trust can take time. The cheating spouse needs to be patient with their partner, to understand that they may question them more, fly off the handle when their late home and become accusative when not given enough attention. Knowing the right things to say and do is crucial in repairing the marriage, which is why I run a 10 step program on it.

The betrayed also need to be patient with themselves. I’ve had women and men share with me how angry and drained they are with negative images and thoughts swirling around in their head. They feel frustrated but don’t know how to get them to stop and find peace. I have various solutions to help with this, a key thing is anticipating triggers and rationalizing not attempting to ignore the messages.

Giving yourself a break and time to heal is important.

Reassurance

Reassurance from the betrayer that it will never happen again, that they have cut all contact and learnt their lesson is key. As well as reassurance that they are committed, love their partner and are willing to prove it. Education on how to help the wounded spouse is a great start and can really support them through it. Working on strengthening the relationship must also be a priority. Pretending that it never happened won’t help couples move beyond it. I’ve worked with couples 1, 5 and even 10 years after who still have recovered because they “tried to ignore it” and the issues that beneath the affair is still there.

Rebuilding Confidence

It’s essential for confidence to be rebuilt. Many men and women will come to me with low confidence after discovering their spouses affair. Some question their attractiveness, whether they have become boring, why they have failed to keep their spouse happy. Others wonder if they are too old, fat, poor, or fit to keep a partner. An affair should never be blamed on the cheated, as it is the choice of the betrayer to cheat. In fact blame on either side can prevent healing, the focus should be on what can we do now to move forward, what actions can we take to repair and revitalize the relationship.

How Affairs Begin

Affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone you know fairly well, someone you spend time with each week -- your friends or co-workers. Or

Internet Infidelity

This form of infidelity is increasing and particularly common among those who have become addicted to social media and internet communication. Individuals and couples need to take measures to prevent internet affairs from happening. Contact me for these tips if your concerned.

Affair Support
I’ve helped individuals having an affair to get out in one piece and break ties.

As well as help couples to avoid it. Over the years I have learnt that given certain conditions affairs can happen easily and that those conditions should be avoided at all costs, don't you think?

Such conditions are usually when relationship needs aren’t being met or long-term security is being threatened by love destroyers. Knowledge on these two areas is vital and forms part of all my relationship coaching programs whether an affair has taken place or not.

In summary my greatest lessons are

The saying “once a cheater always a cheater” is not true. I have seen spouses who “wake up” to the shock and horror of the damage they have caused and take rebuilding the relationship seriously. Having learnt their lesson, they will never stray again.

Infidelity is a devastating experience. And yet, many couples who go though it can recover.

Having now worked with many individuals and couples to recover from affairs it is important to reflect back only for the purpose of taking the lessons. And, to use these lessons to as an opportunity to form a closer bond.

One of the greatest things I love about the work I do, is the positive changes in people and relationships I see. I’ve had several couples say to me now that the affair was the best thing that happened to them as they are the happiest they have ever been after taking measures to rebuild, repair and strengthen.

Coaching does takes courage, a willingness to look at yourself and the relationship as well as taking responsibility. But those who take the step find that the benefits far out way any uncomfortableness at the beginning.

These are the greatest lessons I have learned about recovery from affairs and many of the principles have worked in any healing required after multiple marriages are announced.

From my heart to yours have a great week, Nicola