The most common questions I get asked are: How can you save a marriage after separation?
Or how can I get my husband or wife to reconsider a separation? Or My husband/ wife is insisting on a separation, what can I do?
These are important questions as it is a critical time if you want to save your marriage. It doesn’t matter whether you are currently physically separated or just thinking about having a separation there are certain things you must do to help the relationship.
Regardless of the underlying problems, separation is typically an emotionally intense time for both partners. Anxiety, feelings of overwhelm, frustration, regret and loneliness are to be expected. However, a separation in marriage can also serve as a valuable wake up call, giving both of you time to recreate a new beginning for you and any children. For some married men and women, separation has come after months or even years of tension and turmoil in the relationship. For others, it can seem more like a hit and run, where the shock of the news that your husband or wife wants to separate can literally knock you to the floor. Whether you saw the signs or not is not of importance right now. Beating yourself up, pondering over where you went wrong again and again is only going to drive you further apart and most likely insane! Now is the time for action and I’ve written this to help you.
As, how you act in the hours, days and weeks after a separation has been asked for or happened will determine your fate as a couple. I know what works having helped 1000’s of marriages now and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes, so many unintentionally make. If this is describing your situation, I suggest you read this article straight away and follow the principles below. You also may want to check out my free marriage secret masterclass https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration which has helped 1000’s of people now transform their relationship in record time: you can watch it by clicking here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration
Whatever you do – don’t let another day go by without getting the right knowledge and support.
Strategies to save a marriage after separation
Step #1 to save a marriage after separation- Avoid blaming
It can be so easy to blame your husband or wife for their action or inaction in the relationship. In fact the more you turn your focus on what went wrong and who is to blame, the more negative your picture of the relationship will become. Negativity breeds negativity. If you are focusing on saving your marriage after separation, then you will want to deal with any anger or resentment in a healthy way. Helping individuals and couples to rid themselves of resentment is something I have become somewhat of an expert in. It’s important to rid yourself of anger, as you don’t need to say anything to know your partner is angry with you, you can feel it.
Take responsibility for your own actions and attitudes, look within – this is the fastest way to save a marriage after separation.
Step #2 to save a marriage after separation-Set clear expectations
One of the reasons marriages tend to go through a crisis or even end in divorce is because of misaligned expectations. Where a husband or wife thought their spouse would behave differently to how they are. Get really clear on what your partner is expecting from you during the separation or if you are discussing it, how they see it working make sure this covers
– Frequency of communication
– Type of communication
– Financial matters
– Child or domestic care
– Social activities and events
– Who will know and what you will say to others
Also where the relationship will be, for example, will you still date, be intimate, not engage?
Step #3 to save a marriage after separation-Address the root issues
The threat of separation or an actual separation can be a valuable opportunity to assess your relationship for what is working and what has not been working. I have everyone who joins the empowered love program email me a list of complaints that their partner has made about them over the years. We then analyze them for common themes and fears. If you want to save the marriage after separation and stop divorce the real issues need to be addressed. As the problem, I noticed in my own relationships and in those I help is that we bicker about a lot of surface stuff and the real pain or hurt is not expressed or healed.
Perhaps you are reading this thinking the cause seems obvious, it’s an affair, addiction, anger issue. However, behind these three which I deal with most often their are probably several underlying root causes linked to negative previous experiences and emotions that have not been addressed. I have suffered from many addictions, and curing the addiction was only the beginning, underneath it lay low self-esteem, a lack of self-love, loneliness and a huge amount of fear. Support in this area can be vital and ideally not solely from your spouse, from someone you trust.
Step #4 to save a marriage after separation-Forgiveness
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself” Anthony Robbins. It is essential that you both forgive and let go of the past pain to create a new relationship. If you are both open to forgive and learn from the challenges then you can grow together again.
Step #5 to save a marriage after separation-Create special dates
The time you spend together after a separation is key, it needs to pleasurable. As whether you like it or not, both of you will be hypersensitive and more than likely analyzing and judging everything. So you will want to make sure that you meet each other at a good place, at a good time. If your stressed from work, tired, hungry, ill, or get road rage on a particular route avoid these states by planning for it. Look for opportunities to interact with your spouse in a pleasant atmosphere. Often the men I support will say to me “Nicola, my wife doesn’t want to see me alone yet, I cannot do anything” However through talking it through we brainstorm ways they can actually make the simple of exchanges of children extra special, how they can give special invitations to do things that entice their partner and how they can create special family events.
Make it a priority to have fun and laugh together as a couple once again. So you can both remember why you fell in love in the first place and create new positive memories.
Step #6 to save a marriage after separation-Look to the Future
As you know I am all about the future and moving away from the past when it comes to working with couples. Reigniting passion in a marriage after a separation requires leaving the past behind and creating a new way forward. No matter what has happened if you want to save the marriage the future has to look bright. There has to be a meaning and reason for why the two of you are together.
I cover 3 parts in this when I guide people to save their marriage and rekindle their relationship. These are creating new rituals, shared goals and dreams. All of which can create a new positive path for you both. You may be thinking but Nicola, we are separated we are not going to be talking about our future together. I get that, that is why you can do all of these steps without talking, simply by being and focusing on what you want.
Step #7 to save a marriage after separation-Respect your partner
A critical step towards repairing the relationship is reinstalling respect if lost or maintaining if you have it. Showing respect throughout the separation involves sticking to the agreements you made, not over communicating or under-communicating, listening and supporting one another. Respect for each other’s space, pace and boundaries in the separation. As well as support for the roles you each take on in your daily life. When we feel respected we feel good and warm to our partner, so it is essential for relationship happiness. When overcoming challenges respect helps to approach them in a kind and thoughtful manner.
Step #8 to save a marriage after separation-Effective communication
It is crucial to be sharing your true feelings when going through a rough time in the relationship. Being vulnerable can build closeness. However you need to be careful not to over express yourself, where you repeat how you feel and what you want to happen again and again.
When we obsess about our wants, desires and feelings in the relationship and continually push them on our partners, we crush the relationship and attraction. I use to keep saying to my ex but I want this and I want that, I didn’t realise how self-centred I was being back then. It’s so hard to see it when you are in it. So be careful not to over communicate. If you are confused on this, you ask yourself have I shown I care? do they know I care? If yes leave it, no need to keep on, if no then send one message expressing your care and that you respect their boundaries and are being careful to give them some space and that you would love to hear from them when they are ready. Bottom line share your true feelings and don’t over communicate. Get in touch with me if you need any support on striking the right balance.
I’d love to hear from you on this topic with any suggestions or questions.
From my heart to yours Nicola
Nicola Beer,
P.S If you haven’t already checked out the Marriage Secret Masterclass – 60-minute video, all you need to do is click here, register and get valuable tips to change your relationship now https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration
Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.
As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready to attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce
Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.
Nicola's passion for supporting people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.
Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.