How To Make Your Husband Trust You: Healing A Marriage After Trust Is Broken - Lack Of Trust In Marriage

How To Make Your Husband Trust You: Healing A Marriage After Trust Is Broken - Lack Of Trust In Marriage

Trust is an essential key in any relationship. I've helped couples rebuild trust after an affair, financial dishonesty, physical and emotional abuse as well as constant lying over small things. I've also worked with individuals to trust again after previous childhood trauma or relationship pain from their ex-partners.

Be wary of any clichés that promise quick solutions to rebuilding trust. We cannot expect trust to come back instantly, it takes time to restore and the process cannot be rushed. What helps the countless couples I work with in the save my marriage program online or 1 to 1 is to have a plan to rebuild trust, full of actions that the "wounded spouse" needs and appreciates, also what must be changed in the relationship for you to become closer.

Trust can be likened to a bank account with every person we meet we have an account of how much we trust them and vice versa, how much they trust you. Typically when we start a new relationship with someone we start a zero. Unless we have been badly hurt before and may, in fact, come into a new relationship with a deficit account, "in the red." That happens when we have learned not to trust.

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The amount of trust increases in the account when your spouse does things that make you smile, show he/she cares, are thoughtful, share their secrets, keep their word and are faithful.

On the other hand, when he/she break their promises to you, lie to you, hurt you or do other things that lack integrity they make withdrawals. It may be lying over something very small, yet if stacked up over time, small things can become big things.

For many years your spouse can be making ongoing deposits into the trust bank account you have with them and if things are going well, very few withdrawals.

Then he or she does something that breaks your trust and all of a sudden your trust account plummets into a huge negative, I see this all the time with sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity and abuse.

It can make you close the account permanently and end the marriage or continue with the marriage but feel very insecure, second guess everything he or she says and does. Or constantly evaluate if you are safe with them or not, which is emotionally and physically draining.

In order to move forward, you need a plan of action. Nothing someone says will allow for you to trust them again if it's something important to you and/or if you do not understand why.

Trust is not like a light switch that you can just turn on again after it's been turned off, it is more of a dimmer switch that grows stronger over time. The mistakes I tend to see couples make is giving verbal reassurances again and again and then getting annoyed that their spouse is not making any changes.

So how can you rebuild trust?
1. Every time you tell the truth you can rebuild trust
2. Acts of kindness
3. Giving quality time and undivided attention
4. Explain honestly everything about the betrayal or breach of trust.
5. Answer any questions again and again with patience and understanding
6. Express appreciation in a meaningful helpful way
7. Show affection, whether physical or not, demonstrate how you care

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

What destroys trust and stops the repairing process?
1. Lack of responsibility, blame, deflection
2. Lack of transparency and withholding information
3. Further dishonesty, (especially after full disclosure has been asked for and promised)
4. Unkindness
5. Refusal to talk about the breach of mistrust and answer any questions
6. Lack of empathy and patience

If you have broken the trust of your partner in a serious way to stop divorce you will need to be sure that you avoid the above otherwise, the trust may deplete to an alarming level that destroys the relationship.
The problem is many couples will try to ignore them, put the past behind them by not talking about it, but this never works. There is no way around it, you have to go through it.

Often this can be an uncomfortable and sometimes painful process, for lasting happiness, it cannot be rushed.

Both in the couple need to be committed to the truth to honesty and to invest the time and energy in rebuilding the trust. This is where many benefit from getting some outside guidance on actions right for them to rebuild trust
A couple can settle for a marriage that has no trust, but it won't be enjoyable or peaceful. It will be full of insecurity, drama and unhappiness. Who wants to live like that?

You need to see the mistrust as an opportunity to strengthen the marriage. I know that might sound crazy but I have found it to be true working with hundreds of couples. In order to have a great marriage, you need to focus on turning any crisis or challenge into an area of growth, where as a team you get through it.

I get asked all the time "Nicola if there is no trust, does that mean the relationship is over?" It depends honestly if the trust is over something specific that has happened if that is the case yes trust can be rebuilt and the couple can stop divorce. If you however no longer trust anything they say in all areas of life, it will be much harder to save the marriage and stop divorce. Normally it will require the individual and couple to have some marriage counselling or coaching on the lying and trusting again.

Lastly, I wanted to share about a man who came to me last week with the sexual problem of impotence. Impotence is common in relationships where trust has broken down. Impotence and other intimacy issues is an area I support many men and couples with. Often they come to me after seeing a doctor for the impotence, have got tablets but they don't make a difference. The reason the drugs don't help is because impotence, like other sexual problems is psychological and emotional not purely physical. There are 3 main areas in a marriage that need to be present for a good sex life, one is a trust and transparency. In order to be intimate with someone you need to have total transparency, hidden things in the marriage can often affect your desire for physical intimacy and experience of it.

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A recent marketing book I read touted the importance of getting potential clients to "know you, like you and trust you." It seems that marketing and romance have more in common than meets the eye: In the world of marketing you're trying to convince someone your product or service is worthwhile; in the world of romance you're trying to do the same for yourself.

If you and your partner didn't like each other, your relationship probably wouldn't have survived for any significant length of time.

The importance of LIKE in your marriage or relationship

Adults seem to focus more on the experience of the love than like. It's implied that if you are heading down the path of love, you already like the person--though at some point you can love someone yet dislike them (ask the parent of many a teenage child, for example).

Does your spouse or partner still like you?

Although it might not be the stuff of Hollywood movies, falling in like (and out of like) is an important part of your romantic journey. Couples who get into trouble fall out of like long before they fall out of love--often without realizing it. For some reason, the importance of liking one another is overlooked once love takes over the romantic landscape-this is a significant relationship faux pas.

You can still love your partner while having momentary lapses in like--couples argue and fight all the time (and rarely like each other in these moments), but at the end of the day love and commitment remains intact. As one wife recently said to her husband during a counseling session, "You're lucky I love you, because right now I can't stand you!"

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

But you shouldn't be fooled into thinking that love is all you need-It's just as important that you and your partner like each other (most of the time, anyway). When like totally vanishes, the safety net of love is in danger of eroding. Momentary lapses in liking your partner is one thing, falling out of like is a different ball game.

Take the Necessary Steps to Keep Like Alive

When couples are first dating, they make it a habit to put their best foot forward. These efforts are directed toward increasing their likability factor. Just think back for a moment when you were first dating your partner/spouse. Even if you both had a natural, magnetic chemistry, you probably didn't just rely on this mystical attraction. I'm betting you exerted extra effort to get your partner to like you.

Do you continue to act in ways that make you likable?

People often choose their friends because they like them. When you like another person, the relationship remains interesting and fun. Liking someone brings out the best in you. It's human nature to distance yourself physically and emotionally from someone you don't like. Time and time again I hear couples talk about feeling trapped in their relationship-still in love and committed to one another, but they don't find things to like about each other anymore. When this occurs, they begin to close themselves off emotionally from each other.

What have you done recently to prevent this from happening to your relationship?

How can you make liking each other as much of a priority as loving each other?

Think of it this way: If you don't like someone, what's the point of waiting around for love to strike? And this is applicable to people already in loving relationships: don't let love become a type of blind loyalty for you. Remember all the things you first liked about your partner (before you began loving him/her). Celebrate those things regularly so you can keep like alive in your marriage or relationship. This provides the dual benefit of keeping your partner a unique individual in your eyes, as well as strengthening the love between you.

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You've built a life together and now it's all about to come crashing down. How could your spouse do this to you? After all you've worked for, is your marriage worth saving? If it is, you can save your marriage from divorce and you might be surprised that you can do it even if your spouse isn't trying.

When this happened to me a few years ago I can describe the hurt and betrayal that I felt! Everything seemed blurry like I was in some horrible dream that I couldn't wake up from. I really didn't know what to do. It seemed like everything I tried just backfired. I learned later that the things I was doing to save my marriage were the same common mistakes that many people make that practically guarantee failure.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

And so, desperate for an answer, I started searching the Internet hoping I'd stumble across something sincere, that wasn't a scam. I just needed t know what to do. Was there a step by step plan that would actually work for me? All I knew was that time seemed to be running out and divorce seemed very close if I didn't find an answer soon.

I can't tell you how relieved I was to find out about an approach that told me how to get control of my emotions and put myself back in control. It taught me about the common mistakes people make and how to avoid them. It taught me, step by step where to put my focus and the specific things I needed to do and to say. And it worked!!! I am still married years later and in fact my marriage is better than it ever has been.

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I often hear from wives whose husbands are trying to keep their distance during a marital or trial separation. Often, the wife very much wants to be in regular contact. Sometimes, she is trying to improve the relationship or to save the marriage. But other times, she is just trying to make sure that her husband is OK, the same as she would for anyone who she cared out. But some husbands just do not see things this way and they resist contact.

I heard from a wife who said: "I didn't expect to talk to or see my husband every day while we were separated, but I did expect to be in touch. However, it was clear early on that my husband didn't want to be in contact with me. If I called him, he would try to get off the phone as soon as possible or make up some lame excuse as to why he needed to do something else. If I dropped by, he would stick his head out the door but not invite me in and he would say that it was a bad time. The other day I got angry and I asked him why he wouldn't even spend any time with me. He finally answered that he really wants his privacy from while we are separated. He says that I am always trying to figure out what he is doing and he doesn't like having to answer all of my questions. He doesn't want to be accountable to me. Where does this leave me? I don't need to be in contact with him every minute of every day, but it feels like he wants to completely exclude me from his life. It's almost as if he doesn't want me to know that he's seeing someone else. But if this was the case, why go for the separation? Why not just divorce me?" I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Try To Look At This Practically Rather Than Emotionally:

I know that this hurts. Believe me when I say that I absolutely know how you feel. My husband and I were separated for much longer than I wanted. And he gave me much less of his time and attention than I would have liked. That said, as much as I know how this feels, I also know this. Much of the time, the more you try to convince your husband that he doesn't need his privacy, the more he is going to want it. And he may just demand it or give you no choice but to give it to him. What I mean by that is that he may change his phone number, block your phone, or no longer answer the door when you come by. And all of these things will deteriorate your marriage (and your chances for a reconciliation) even further.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

I know that you are probably desperately looking for something that you can do or say to change his distancing himself from you. But you need to know that you often won't be able to force your way to success. This is usually a decision that he will need to make on his own. And if you try to manipulate him, he will often resist you even more. So as tempting as it is to keep pushing, it's my experience that you shouldn't. In fact, once I was forced to stop pushing and pressuring my husband, my situation changed (for the better) as a result.

Know That Two Can Play This Game:

I want to preface what I am about to tell you by saying that no matter what strategy you decide to take here, you want to make sure that you can carry it off genuinely and that you are not going to take it so far that it does more harm than good.

I have found that in many cases, your best bet is to not argue this point. He wants privacy? Fine, you are able to give him that. But conceding privacy followed up by negative emotions or behaviors isn't going to do you much good. Instead, ask yourself how you can turn this situation around so that it actually works to your benefit.

What if you agreed with him in such a way that it might actually turn the tide? I know that you may be skeptical of what I am about to say, but I have found it to work a good deal of the time. When you tell him that not only do you understand his need for privacy, but you can see where that might be necessary for both of you, suddenly you might find him wondering why you have had a chance of heart.

And then, once you stop calling or coming by, he may just wonder what is behind this. You may just find him calling you. And when he does, it is so important that you conduct yourself correctly. This is what I mean when I say that you shouldn't take it too far. Some wives will want their husband to think they are seeing other men or they will make their husband feel rejected. Or they will tell him that they will drop the whole privacy thing if he will. In my view and experience, this is taking it too far and shows your hand.

Instead, you are better off remaining positively and friendly. You want him to want to spend more time with you to find out more about what is going on with your life. But if you are argumentative, he might not think that the effort is worth it. Instead, remain open and upbeat. And if he asks, tell him that you are coping as best as you can while trying to make the separation somewhat bearable.

Once he starts calling or reaching out to you, then the privacy issue has almost resolved itself without your needing to argue or even debate about it, which is honestly the best that you can hope for. And even better, it opens the door to your saving your marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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