Husband Says Hurtful Things To Me: How To Deal With Hurtful Words From Husband

Husband Says Hurtful Things To Me: How To Deal With Hurtful Words From Husband

One of the biggest on-going problems for couples is how to reduce the hurt feelings that can result from arguments and disagreements. The fall-out from a no-holds barred "kill your opponent" verbal altercation can last for decades.

I have worked with numerous couples in marriage counseling who have struggled with forgiving each other for damaging words they have said during a fight. Many times, the fallout from an argument or shouting match is left to accumulate like toxic dust on the relationship, with each ensuing episode adding another layer. Eventually, the residue interferes with every component of the marriage as resentment and unaddressed issues build up.

The words you say and the tone of voice you use during an argument are important. So is the way you deliver your message (screaming and hollering, for example) and any non-verbal gestures you use (shaking your finger in your partner's face). If you make fun of your spouse and show disrespect for him, you are hurting the chances for real communication between you.

The same is true if you make threatening gestures and try to intimidate your spouse with your anger. Honest, healthy communication requires a feeling of safety from attack. A spouse who is afraid her partner will make fun of her ideas or feelings, either at the time or later during an argument, isn't going to share what she is really thinking or feeling.

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So how can you and your spouse create an atmosphere of safety and protection so that you can each express your real feelings and thoughts? And how can you disagree so that you don't permanently damage your marriage?

You can take action and ask your spouse if the two of you can work together to develop a list of fair fighting rules that you both agree to abide by. Here are some guidelines often used in marriage counseling sessions for you to consider:

1. Even when you're in the white heat of anger, think about the possible damage that you could do if you let your anger out unrestrained. The challenge is for each of you to express yourself without damaging the fabric of your relationship. The fabric of the relationship has to be protected. There's no place in a healthy marriage for a partner who wants to win an argument at all costs, no matter what he or she has to say or do to "win." The same goes for a partner who wants to "win" by hurting the spouse as much as possible.

2. Emphasize showing respect for each other, even if you can't figure out how your spouse could possibly feel the way he or she does. You don't have to understand it and you don't have to agree--you just have to respect your spouse's right to have differing ideas and opinions.

3. Ban name-calling, cursing, belittling, sarcasm, mockery, screaming, and pushing, slapping, or other physical or emotional abuse. These actions will only cause division and hard feelings between you and will harm your relationship. They will not help you to find constructive ways to settle your differences.

4. Avoid using words such as "always" and "never," such as "You're always late. You're never on time for anything. I'm sick and tired of always waiting for you." The words "always" and "never" are examples of over-generalizing, and they close communication doors instead of opening them. They also divert the discussion from the real issues and turn the focus onto whether or not the other person can come up with an example of a time when he or she wasn't late but the partner was.

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5. Keep the discussion limited to the issue at hand. Many relationships have an informal "historian" who can recount every mistake the other spouse has ever made. When this happens, the discussion is diverted from the present issue to an argument about what did or didn't happen in the past, which greatly reduces the odds that the present disagreement will be resolved. Stick with current events instead of revisiting past history that can't be changed.

6. Listen to each other and let each person speak his or her mind. This can be difficult to do when you're frustrated, impatient, and agitated. But until you have heard each other out, you don't have all the information you need to try to reach a respectful compromise.

7. Take a break from the discussion when it gets too emotional or "heavy." Go to the bathroom, step outside on the deck, or do some deep breathing exercises to help relieve the stress. Let yourself cool down and give yourself a chance to regroup before continuing the discussion.

8. Apologize immediately when you slip and say something that might hurt your spouse's feelings. Say, "I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to come out sounding like that. Please forgive me. Let me try again."

9. Look for a "win-win" compromise resolution. Some issues are more important to one spouse than the other, and it builds up good will to go with your partner's views when it doesn't really matter as much to you.

If your spouse wants you to record the checks you write in a certain way so that it'll be easier for him or her to handle the bill-paying, it probably makes sense to go along with it, even if it's not the way you'd do it. That will build up good will so that the next time you have a differing opinion about something that's really important to you, you'll have a better chance of acquiring support from your spouse.

10. If the subject is too emotional for you and your spouse to resolve between you, then consider enlisting the help of a professional counselor to serve as mediator. It may only take two to three sessions to clear the air, generate some new options, and make a decision. And the best part is that by using a counselor to help you work out an acceptable compromise, you avoid the long-term strain and emotional drain that could damage your marriage for years.

Until you and your spouse can discuss emotional issues and have differing opinions without being disrespectful to each other, it will be impossible to tackle the really crucial issues in your marriage with any lasting success. Without mutual respect and the assurance that you won't be ridiculed, you will both be reluctant to express your true feelings and show vulnerability.

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A perfect relationship does not exist. All relationships undergo troubles or conflicts for it involves two different individuals with their own problems, moods, desires and needs. These two also have their own experiences and issues from the past that have shaped them into the persons that they are at present. So when all these issues, conflicts, individual concerns, and differences sprout and clash together, both parties are bound to get hurt and frustrated with one another. Such frustration sprouts from a shattered fantasy of the ideal partner and relationship. Fantasies are gone and realization sinks in. It is actually up to the couple if they want to resolve their issues or they simply go their separate ways. But for those who want to stick together through thick and thin, it would be advisable for them to undergo couples therapy.

"Psychotherapy" comes from the Greek words "psyche" that connotes the spirit or soul, and "therapeia" which means to cure. Psychotherapy therefore is a way of curing the spirit or soul when it has problems. Psychological, emotional, mental and behavioral problems such as trauma, stress, depression, addictions, and marital and family disputes can be addressed and resolved through psychotherapy administered by a counselor, therapist or shrink. The latter talks to the patient and engages him in a conversation so that the patient would be able to open up about his past and present troubles. Through the conversation, the counselor hopes to give advice to the patient on how to resolve these problems and make the patient feel better than before.

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With couples therapy, a trip down memory lane is essential. The individual histories of both partners as well as the history of the relationship will be revisited and reviewed. Through this, the couple would be able to understand each other's point of view and where he or she is coming from. The root of the marital problem will be dissected and discussed and from there, it is the goal of the therapist to make each partner be aware of the issues and to accept their faults. The aim is to understand, accept, forgive, forget and hopefully start anew. It is not the therapist who shall decide if the couple should stick it out or not. It is still the couple who will come to an agreement. They should be willing to accept that there is a problem and solutions can be arrived at. The psychotherapist must also have the necessary skills to make the couple open up and be eager to tell their own sides of the story.

It is not the aim of couples therapy to separate a couple. It is there to judge but to guide them to be considerate, tolerant and accepting persons and hopefully better partners and parents.

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The idea of marriage counseling is usually brought up and pursued by one partner, initially. The issue of marriage counseling is often a topic of discussion between partners for sometime before the couple actually finds their way to the counselor's office. There are a number of reasons why one partner would be resistant to couples counseling:

1) they are happy with the way that things are (regardless of whether the partner is happy).
2) they are satisfied with the their amounts and types of power in the relationship and are concerned that counseling may alter those.
3) they have fear about topics, issues, feelings, or events that may come up in counseling
4) they believe that "the problem" is solely the problem of the partner
5) they have detached to the point where they are just physically present and do not want to invest emotionally in the relationship.
6) they believe that the counselor will take the other partner's side and that counseling will turn into being an opportunity for the spouse to have help in lecturing, scolding, ridiculing, or emotionally beating them up.
7) they have no desire to change anything about themselves.

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Is it worth it to try to get your spouse in couples counseling? In a word--yes. One of the most common things I see in couples counseling is one spouse persistently negotiating for change in the relationship, trying to get his/her needs met, etc. and the other person ignoring or stonewalling. Eventually the one who has been trying to connect and restore a sense of "us" or a sense of being "important" to the spouse, just gives up, detaches, and quits asking or trying to engage their partner. They often have an affair and/or decide to get a divorce. The one that seems to have been indifferent or not engaged in the relationship, will wake up, and say, "What happened? I thought we were happy?"

So if one person in the relationship is not happy with it, the relationship has a problem. A good marriage counselor does not approach couples counseling with "who is right or wrong or more right/more wrong". They look at the relationship systemically -- what the problems are, what the couple is doing to solve those problems, and how it is/is not working. They help the couple learn communication and problem solving, and help them create a safe environment where difficult issues and feelings can be discussed so that hurts and ill feelings can be worked through and resolved. They cannot fix your marriage, but they will teach you how to, if you are willing to do the work.

Couples often come into counseling with one partner believing that the other partner is the only one needing "to do the work". They quickly discover that each has their own work to do, to heal the relationship. Once they get to counseling office and discover the counselor's neutrality, and absence of finger pointing, it makes it safer and more conducive for each person to own their own part of the problem and the solution.

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A recent client of mine told me about how his wife had reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school through Facebook. They hadn't seen each other in 38 years and considered each other their "first love". As we all know, a "first love" is a tough bond to break especially when there was physical intimacy involved.

He told me that her old boyfriend found her on Facebook and sent her a contact note. She responded back by telling him she was married and had 4 children. He wanted to hear more about her life and what she had been doing all those 38 years. Unbeknownst to her, he had been divorced and was thinking about her. Eventually, her marriage seemed unfulfilling to her too and unfortunately, she shared that with her exboyfriend. He was an engineer and had been divorced for 3 years. He wanted to reconnect with her and she thought it would be nice to see him too.So she traveled to Ohio to meet him and never told her husband where she was going. She just packed her bags for a "weekend getaway".

When she returned she told her husband of 30+ years that she was divorcing him. She wanted out and had talked to a lawyer about putting the divorce together. She told their grown children that she was divorcing their father and told all kinds of lies about him. She also told the children that he was unfaithful and abusive towards her. The lies got even worse the more time she spent with her old flame talking on the phone and chatting on Facebook. With her lies, she turned her children and family against him.

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The lies were so destructive and painful he nearly had a nervous breakdown. He begged, pleaded, groveled, wept and cried to get her back. She destroyed this man's life because of an affair she wanted and tried to justify it with her own lies. This woman was very deceitful and filled with hate.

When I met with this man at my office, he was beside himself. He had nowhere to turn and his children wanted nothing to do with him. His wife hated him and was bent on taking him down. He asked me, "Dr. Mike, where do I go from here? I have done nothing that she has accused me of. I have been faithful to her and loved her, but she always seemed unhappy.I've tried talking with her, planning vacations, etc., but it just never worked out. I even asked her to go to marriage counseling, which she refused. I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but I tried everything possible to make her happy. "

He told me that he found out who the guy was, what kind of job he had and the type of people he was involved with.He also knew how many times he was divorced and even current relationships the man was involved in. He had all the emails they sent each other with the time and date stamps on them.He wanted to know why another man would take his wife away, knowing full-well she was still married. That was a fair question. Relationships can be so complex!They are hard to understand at times. "Who should get the blame," he asked? I told him, "They both should. He shares in equal blame.The reason you feel it's more your wife's fault is because she is the focal point of your pain."

If you suspect that your spouse/partner is reconnecting with a former girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, etc., you need to confront them immediately. The longer you delay the more damage there will be and the possibility of your marriage will come to an end is likely. Confronting your spouse is not a bad thing - doing absolutely nothing is. You need a game plan when you talk to your spouse/partner. If you accuse them without knowing what you're going to say, you're headed for trouble so plan on that! More and more relationships have ended from social websites than ever before. If you are tempted to look up an old boyfriend or girlfriend, don't. There is no reason to risk hurting your relationship with your spouse/partner by looking for past loves. Protect that relationship you're in, guard it and enjoy it! Trying to rekindle a relationship with an old flame never works, especially if you're in a committed relationship.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

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