Husband Mocks Me When We Argue: When Your Spouse Mocks You

Husband Mocks Me When We Argue: When Your Spouse Mocks You

Those now famous words: "Can't we all just get along?" I cannot think of a husband or wife that doesn't desire to get along. Can you? Still, sometimes peace can elude us. During these times, it could be that love demands more of each spouse. Failure to comply with the rules of love could be the real culprit in marital breakdown.

For years Alex and Allison experienced the same argument almost every day. The argument got so old and they grew so tired that they just stopped talking. That is, until their finances began to suffer and they were forced to talk. That is when they happened upon my office. Both were angry and accusatory of the other. Alex thought that Allison was too uptight with money and required an accounting of every single penny. Her rigidity left no room for error and there was no grace for the occasional oversights he may have made. He felt that if she would relax, he could handle the finances much better.

Allison, on the other hand, believed Alex was careless and irresponsible with money. They have switched back and forth taking primary responsibility for their income and expenses. Right before being served a foreclosure notice, Allison admits to taking over the finances once again. She blames Alex for the threat of losing their home. But these two are not unlike many couples. The tension between their differing approaches to money transcends almost every area of their relationship. For Alex, not only does his wife's rigidity exist with their finances, but also with the kids, schedules, chores and even sex. Similarly, Allison believes her husband is irresponsible in managing most routines of the family's daily living, his time and their resources. If you examine these two closely, it would be a mistake to conclude that they have money problems. Each of their manners and ways permeate every area of their lives. As our sessions continued, I asked more questions and came to some conclusions.

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Both Alex and Allison were suffering in marriage for different reasons. They were not the cause of each other's pain as they had supposed. Each was suffering from self-inflicted wounds. You see the basis of marriage is love and love has rules. If we follow the rules of love we feel good, grow and prosper physically, emotionally and otherwise. If we do not, inevitably, we suffer. While Alex and Allison each engaged some of the rules of love quite well, others they did not.

First, Alex was an exceptional football player, charming and funny. He was accustomed to being taken care of and worked hard to be pleasing so that others would take care of him. People were drawn to Alex because he made them feel important. In fact, it was this attribute that attracted Allison to him. She too enjoyed his charm and ease with people. He listened intently to her and made her feel as if she was the only person that mattered. Alex obeyed the rule of love well that says esteem others better than yourself. Philippians 2:3 says,

"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself."

But Alex had another side. In working so hard to be pleasing to others he gave up responsibility for himself. But, love requires that we take responsibility for ourselves. When we don't, like Alex, we will suffer. I Thessalonians 4: 4 declares the will of God,

"that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor," (NAS)

Verses 11 and 12 continue,

"that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing." (NKJV)

Second, Allison was used to take care of things herself. Growing up she made breakfast for her siblings, supervising them when her single mother was at work. Not only did she make sure her homework was complete, but she also helped her younger brother and sister with theirs. Allison worked a part-time job so that the family could have some of the "extras." She did all of this and maintained good grades in school. Allison followed the rule of love that says, love cares for the things of others. She is responsible and lives responsibly in relation to others. In this she adheres to Romans 13: 1-3:

"Be a good citizen. All governments are under God. Insofar as there is peace and order, it's God's order. So live responsibly as a citizen. If you're irresponsible to the state, then you're irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible. Duly constituted authorities are only a threat if you're trying to get by with something. Decent citizens should have nothing to fear."

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But Allison had another side too. In working so hard to help her mother fulfill family and household responsibilities, she forfeited leisure activities like afterschool sports or fun with friends, as well as just "being" with people. She knew how to keep everyone and everything in order, but Allison did not know how to relax. Her life rose and fell on the proverbial 'to do list'. But Allison did not know how to emotionally connect with Alex or others for that matter. Love requires that we be emotionally available in marriage. This is an important way husbands and wives connect. Allison's strived to get things done. However, it prevented her from being emotionally present with Alex. Allison suffered from her inability to stop, rest and be fully present with Alex. This was not Alex's problem, rather it belong to Allison. Hebrews 4:9, 10 reads,

"There remains therefore a rest for the people of God. For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His."

Psalms 46: 10 offers insight as to one way we can know and connect with others. It reads,

"Be still, and know that I am God... "

Allison needs to learn how to be still, in order to know and connect with Alex. In Luke 10: 41 and 42, after Martha complained about Mary resting and not helping given all that had to be done. Jesus gives the same advice to Martha:

"Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her."

Preferring others to himself had gotten Alex what he desired and more. Most of all, it delivered him a beautiful wife, named Allison. Yet, it was self-serving which violates the rule of love that requires us to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions as well as those God has given us. Marriage is one of God's best opportunities for Alex to learn, admit and grow beyond selfishness and receive unconditional love from another while doing so. And what better person to learn responsible behavior from than Allison?

Allison was good at being responsible for herself and others. She enjoyed working hard and long, but that enabled her to avoid painful feelings of emotional isolation and loneliness. She admitted to feeling disconnected from others and only feeling appreciated for what she did. Allison was violating a rule of love that says be still in order to know love (Psalm 46:10). By not know how to rest and relax, she forfeits the benefit of truly connecting with others - especially her husband. She wanted and desperately desired this emotional connection, but blamed his irresponsibility with household tasks as the reason for her disconnect.

You see, marital conflict exposed each problem, as well as each need. The truth is, Allison never learned how to connect and Alex did not have the benefit of having to accept responsibility for himself. Each has a problem and a need. Alex needed to accept responsibility for himself, his relationship with God, his wife and children. Allison needed to learn how to feel accepted and loved without performing. If each focused on opportunities to meet their respective needs, they would inevitably feel better about themselves and each other. And if only one of them began focusing on his or her needs they still would close the distance between them!

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Now listen carefully! Take 2 minutes to read the next page and you'll discover a stunning trick which will make your spouse love you for the rest of their lives even if they are this close to walking out the door. There is a set of easy to follow psychological tricks which will save your marriage and get you back to that place you once were - in love, committed and excited about the future - within a few days guaranteed. I strongly urge you to read everything on the next page before it's too late and time runs out- Click Here

Tips for a great marriage can really help you get things back on the road and realise why you married each other in the first place. When you are in a relationship it can sometimes be easy to lose sight of the reasons you are together, so check out these tips to keep your relationship running smooth.

Tips for a great marriage-1

Be upbeat about things. It's a little on the corny side to say "stay positive!" but you'll find it really works. If you're not convinced, take a second and think about this - which marriage do you think will last longer, the one where both partners are always bemoaning the end of things and acting like everything is the end of the world, or the one where the partners try to make the best of everything and always have an eye on moving forward.

Tips for a great marriage-2

Don't be afraid to let go of your side of an argument. If you are wrong, own up. There's no pride or reward to be gained from being so stubborn that you stick to your guns in every situation. Do you really want to be the person who gets one over on their partner through sheer obstinance? Your partner will respect you more for honesty than stubbornness.

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Tips for a great marriage-3

Make an effort with each of your birthdays. In truly great marriages, the birthdays become a celebration. Spending yet another day in front of the TV is not really the best way to celebrate is it? Why not surprise your partner by arranging a trip or something else unusual that you would not usually do. This way each birthday can be remembered.

Tips for a great marriage-4

Be a democracy- if you're going to the movies or something like that, is it really worth arguing until you get to watch the movie of your choice? Are you really that self absorbed that you would rather your partner sit through something that doesn't interest them? Make decisions like that together, or better yet, let your partner choose. Just go with the flow and see how that feels for once.

Tips for a great marriage-5

Keep an eye on the trust. Trust plays a huge part in any marriage or relationship-each time your husband goes out for groceries, if you don't trust him you'll be painting mental pictures of him getting it on with the pretty grocery clerk or something. The trust goes both ways, and if at any point either of you feel it slipping away, you must talk it over and address it immediately. If you don't things may go too far to be repaired. Trust is VERY tough to get back once gone!

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Saving your marriage should be a team effort but your spouse is not giving you much attention. Your attempt to save your marriage alone is a notable and courageous pursuit because it takes an extremely courageous and determined spouse to do so. Still, there are things that you should NOT do when you are saving your marriage by yourself.

Here are four things you should avoid doing so that you can save your marriage by yourself.

1. Avoid blaming your spouse. Blaming your spouse or yourself will not save your marriage. It could be harmful to exhibit such attitude because blaming and criticizing are negative actions that can kill any motivation from your spouse to preserve your marriage. It is easier to shift the blame on someone else rather than accept the fault. But in trying to save your marriage, taking the courage to admit your own fault can be a great beginning for reconciliation.

So, even if your spouse should be blamed for your marital problems, don't! Blame fuels divorce and is not a good way to save your marriage.

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2. Avoid insisting your own way. Instead, decide to look for a better way to bring about a positive change in your marriage. Saving your marriage by yourself means change. Don't insist that you are always right or that your ways are the best way. Find ways to do things differently. There are many things that couples are aware of what they should or should not be doing when saving their marriage. It is difficult to take the step towards that direction but make your first step and your spouse would definitely learn to walk with you towards reconciliation.

3. Avoid carrying your marital problems alone. Enlist the help of a professional marriage counselor. They are trained individuals and with their experiences and skills, they can help you in your situation. You can start seeing a counselor even without your spouse. When you start to apply the advice given to you by your counselor your spouse will see some changes in you and it won't be long that your spouse will be joining you in your efforts to save your marriage.

4. Avoid doing nothing. Take action. Sometimes, the hurts and pains you experience can cause you to have what experts call "analysis paralysis." With the overwhelming emotions going on, couples never attempt to take a crucial step to save their marriage. Don't be deceived that your problem will resolve itself. This will never happen. Even if your spouse is unwilling at first, your positive actions tell a great deal on how committed you are in saving your marriage by yourself. Your effort will pave off eventually.

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Are things at a point in your relationship where you are wondering, "Can my marriage be saved?" It may seem like divorce is the only option left, but there are other things you can do to try to get your marriage back on track. In this article I would like to point out some proven techniques for you to try that may just get you off the path of divorce. These are just the first steps, but each journey begins with a first step.

Before you even consider trying any of the methods, I am going to suggest, it is crucial that you have made a firm commitment to working towards saving your marriage. If you are not committed to it, then most likely, these methods will not help. So the first step is about making a choice, a choice to commit. The reason I say this is because what I am going to share is not going to be easy to do. However, with a strong commitment, you can persevere through the pain, and see some real results.

Here are 6 things you must put into practice starting today, even if you don't feel like it.

1. Be willing to say you are sorry. There are always two sides to every story and both you and your spouse have feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just exist. Therefore, if you have hurt your spouse, you must begin by sincerely saying sorry. This is very hard as pride gets in the way so much of the time.

2. Be willing to forgive. You may feel like things your spouse has done are too big to forgive, but you need to. If you do not, you will never be able to move forwards towards a healthy relationship. This is one area you may need help from a trained marriage counselor.

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3. Listen to your spouse. They may not be communicating very much to you these days, but try and open the doors to communication. If they are not willing to talk the first few times you try. Do not be discouraged. Keep trying. Your calm persistence will show them that you are serious. They need to know you really want to make things better.

4. Start focusing on all the positive things you can. Stop complaining. Stop listening to all the negative thoughts in your mind. Instead, work hard at finding good things to focus on about your spouse. These things may be so little at first, but will grow in time. This is about changing your perspective. Make a choice to turn your mind away from the negative things it tries to focus on.

5. Find ways to have fun together. Your spouse may not be interested in going out or doing anything with you so find some fun things you can do together at home to laugh a little. Perhaps you could start by recalling a happy time in your relationship that had some funny memories attached to it. Recalling the good times will really help to counteract the negative thoughts that have been swirling around in your relationship for the last little while.

6. Finally, do not be afraid to see marriage help from a trained professional. This does not mean you have to go to marriage counseling or see a therapist. There are plenty of resources available to you online.

You CAN fight to save your marriage. Divorce is not the only answer, even though we live in a culture where so many things are simply thrown away when they are broken. Take the time to fix your marriage. I am sure you will be glad you did later on.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.