My Husband Speaks To Me Disrespectfully: Husband Disrespects Me In Public

My Husband Speaks To Me Disrespectfully: Husband Disrespects Me In Public

A quarter century of working with chronic resentment, anger, and abuse of all kinds has firmly taught me what the ancients knew. The only way out of the relentless pendulum of pain that keeps loved ones hurting each other, over and over, in fairly predictable intervals, is through sustained compassion.

I don't mean the Mother Theresa kind of self-sacrificing compassion. I'm talking about simple, everyday, basic humanity compassion that allows you to be true to your deepest values even when you greatly disagree with loved ones and when you must set limits on their behavior.

The first thing we require in our acclaimed Love without Hurt Boot Camps for resentment, anger, or emotional abuse is that all participants make the following pledge.

I will make a supreme effort to be compassionate to you:

- I will recognize that when I'm resentful or angry, I'm really hurt, anxious, or uncomfortable and that you are most likely hurt, anxious, or uncomfortable, too.

- I will care when you are hurt, anxious, or uncomfortable.

- I will try hard to heal my hurt, regulate my anxiety, and improve my discomfort, and I will support your efforts to do the same.

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- I will always treat you with value and respect, even when I disagree with you or do not like your behavior.

- I will always appreciate the assets and qualities you bring to our relationship.

- I will not criticize or ignore you.

- I will not purposefully talk over you.

- I will not control, manipulate, coerce, threaten, or intimidate you or purposefully make you feel bad in any way.

- I will try hard to discover and correct blind spots about my behavior.

- I will try hard to understand your perspective and sympathize with your feelings, especially when I disagree with you.

- I will stay true to my deepest values.

- I will be the best person I can be.

The boot camps succeed for the vast majority of participants simply because they learn how to keep their commitment to be compassionate under stress and in conflict. No matter what they disagree about, they are able to hold onto self-value when they don't like their partners' behavior and hold onto their value for their partners while they negotiate change.

If you are not compassionate in an intimate relationship, you will almost certainly become emotionally abusive. If you are emotionally abusive, you will not stop until you become more compassionate.

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Because of our pride, arrogance, and selfishness, we tend to despise hearing others tell us we are wrong. Few people actually enjoy being corrected, dressed down, chewed out, or even contradicted. As a result, when your spouse brings a problem to your attention that you are central to, it usually causes an argument, explosion, or other outburst.

If you're like that, then to be honest with you, you need to grow up. No one is perfect. And there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Your spouse will have issues with you. And when they bring these issues to you, you need the strength to hear them all the way out and to rationally discuss solutions.

Ladies, many of your husbands are so scared of telling you the truth because they know that if they do, they'll be in the doghouse. They fear your reaction and your resentment. The end result is that they build a fantasy world in their mind that they retreat to as their only recourse to the problem. Since they believe that it can't be fixed, because you won't listen, then they simply retreat, hole up, and hope the storm passes.

Men, many of your wives are scared to death of your anger. They hide the truth from you because they can't handle your explosions, or your rage. They fear telling you exactly what they feel because they fear being dismissed as ridiculous, pounced on as selfish, or ignored as unimportant. They're battered by your relentless logic, your overwhelming superiority, or your belligerent anger.

If you are married, it is essential that you find within yourself the ability to hear the truth that is spoken. You don't have to agree. You don't have to concur. You don't have to like it. You just have to be willing to hear it out. Until you can rationally sit still and listen to what the other has to say, your marriage will not grow or mature.

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IDEAS AND SOLUTIONS

Be quiet and allow your spouse to say everything they intend or need to say. Again, this is not a contest of who is right and who is wrong. If your mate believes something is true, then from their perspective, it is true. You need to deal with it as such. Allow your mate the courtesy of talking it all the way through.

Take a non-threatening posture. Don't cross your arms and glare. Don't place your hands on your hips. Don't clench your fists. Don't tap your foot in impatience. Don't sigh, snort, roll your eyes, yawn, or look bored. These will just land you into trouble. Instead, sit down somewhere, relax, nod your head a lot, look intent and attentive, and focus--in other words, look your spouse in the eye while he or she is talking.

Learn to ask lots of questions. When your spouse finally winds down, instead of attacking what they have said, correcting it, pointing out the flaws in logic, making accusations, or even crying, ask lots of questions. Questions, when put right, are non-threatening and they allow you to get to the root of the real problem.

I use this method all the time. It is highly successful. Asking the right questions will allow you to isolate the misunderstanding, find out the real source of the problem, help the other person to rethink their position, and find solutions.

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Have you ever played the game called 'Mind Trap'? There are certain riddles that run like this: A man is walking in the woods. He comes across a cabin with two men dead inside. What happened? There is no way, with that little bit of information, to even give an accurate guess as to what happened to these two men. However, the game allows you to ask unlimited 'yes' or 'no' questions. Asking the right questions will help you find out the solution. In this case, the solution is a plane crash. The cabin is the cockpit of a plane, and the two dead men were the pilot and co-pilot. You would never find that out without asking a series of questions.

In dealing with problems in your marriage, the right questions will help you find solutions. At this point, it is not an issue of who is right and who is wrong. Find solutions. Asking non-threatening questions is the best way to do that.

Here Are Some Typical Questions That Can Be Asked

1. "Do you feel this way all the time? Or just when..."

2. "Can you explain this part to me? I'm not sure I fully understand."

3. "Why don't you think that will work? What do you think will work?"

4. "What would you like to see changed?"

5. "Is this a recent problem or a much older problem?"

6. "Is this part of the problem..."

Every situation will demand different questions. But this might give you an idea. Doing this will prove to your spouse that you actually care about him or her and the problem. It will prove that you have interest in finding solutions, not finding fault or blame.

Give it a try, and you'll find your marriage growing stronger as a result.

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Early marriage is a healthy option for many post-high school and post-college couples. Settling down early and having a home and family of their own can have its advantages over traditional marriage ages. Many early marriage couples believe they can handle life's many responsibilities and problems together while embarking on their own career paths. An early marriage can strengthen the relationship and let couples grow together.

Yet marrying at an early age has its ups and downs. Teenagers and recent college graduates may decide to tie the knot despite parental objections, but they need to know what is in store for them before taking such a decision.

Early Marriage Problems

o Feeling of a trapped youth: Teenagers and recent college graduates lose the chance to explore life on their own, and this can be an important part of shaping one's character and beliefs. Marrying at an early age gives more responsibility to both partners at an early age and can take away time for leisure and relaxation.

o Take away the chance for further education: Early marriages are time consuming and this can take away their chance of pursuing further education, whether it is college or graduate school. The time required for a marriage means less time for studies and young couples can miss out on many opportunities, both social and professional, because of this.

o Irresponsibility: With youth comes irrationality and irresponsibility. Irresponsibility with each other, with careers, and with friends can bring strains to a relationship.

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o Lack of experience: Especially when dealing with bring up children, a lack of experience could lead to fear and even generate ill-wills towards each other. Having to still establish their lives while raising a family can expose holes in an early marriage.

o Financial difficulty: An early marriage still means you can live with your parents, but most young couples want to be able to set up their own home and families. Combined with a general lack of higher education, an early marriage could result in financial difficulties while spouses have to juggle working, marriage, and education.

o Stress and health: Early pregnancy can affect the health of females. So can the stress and strains of marriage, both physically and emotionally.

o Lack of maturity: Small differences and petty arguments can turn into marriage deal breakers as couples can still be maturing and developing themselves. High school and college are two very important parts of a person's life and the many social problems people in those situations can be carried into a marriage.

o Emotional and psychological stress: Inexperience can create disharmony between young couples and having to handle everything on their own is difficult and demanding both individually and as a couple. Emotional burn out is a common problem as the honeymoon effect of relationship can wear off.

An early marriage can be a successful one. Social pressure, especially in the case of an unexpected pregnancy, is a high cause of young marriages. But with the proper attitude, an open mind to guidance, and the ability to grow together, early marriages can lead to good financial stability and a strong foundation.

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Have you ever been lost?

My favorite line about being lost comes from an old "M*A*S*H" episode where Hawkeye says, "We're not lost. I've been lost before, and this is not what it looks like."

We all know the drill - you thought you knew where you were going, so you didn't bring a map, and you found yourself so hopelessly turned around that you had no idea where to go next.

Ever feel that way in your relationship?

To Plan or Not to Plan

Consider with me the last vacation you were able to take. Think back to all the planning that was involved, things such as where to go, what to take with you, notifying people you would be gone and even consulting a map on how to get there.

Quite a bit of preparation, conscious thought and planning goes into a successful vacation.

Now, consider this: How much planning and conscious thought has gone into your marriage?

It's truly amazing how some folks will spend more time planning a two-week vacation than they do planning how they would like their marriage relationship to be.

Most of us seem to stumble into relationships and marriage and then continue to kind of make it up as we go along.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to create a map to guide us on our journey through marriage?

Creating a relationship map

Actually, there are several different ways. One of the simplest, and yet most profound, is through modeling.

When you want to do something that you have never done before, you don't have to reinvent the wheel. You simply find someone who has done or is doing what you want to do, discover what they have done or do, and do it as well.

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This idea of modeling works so well because success leaves a trail that can be followed.

In terms of marriage, look around your own world for the couples who have the strongest and most enjoyable marriages. That doesn't mean they don't have their share of struggles. It just means they have found a way to manage them in a way that strengthens their marriage.

So how do you find out what their map has been to get them to where they are?

Simple - just ask! While it may seem awkward at first, most folks are honored to be asked and very willing to help.

Here are some questions to ask successful couples about how to build your own relationship map. Start with general questions and then get more specific:

What do you think has made your marriage so successful?

What are the top five things that go into a healthy relationship?

What do you have to believe about your spouse to keep your marriage strong?

How do you handle small conflicts?

How do you handle larger conflicts?

How do you come to agreement about your finances?

How do you come to agreement on how to handle the children?

How do you divide domestic chores?

What do you do on a daily basis to keep the spark alive?

What has been your biggest challenge as a married couple? How did you handle it?

Do you keep the toilet seat up or down?

These are just a sampling of the many questions you can ask successful couples. You can come up with your own or even better questions to help you create your own map.

The most important factor is to simply ask and then put into action what you discover.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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