After The Affair: Is Suspicion Taking Over Your Life?

There is still hope after the affair.

All marriages have problems, and you might think that infidelity would cause all marriages to break up; however, you'd be wrong. Surprisingly enough, quite a few marriages do survive infidelity.

In fact, recent surveys indicate that only approximately 20% of marriages that have suffered infidelity dissolve because of it. Of course the converse of that statistic is that 80% of marriages that suffered affairs managed to survive!

What did these marriages have that allowed them to transform this negative event into a transition to a better relationship?

Happily, there are three specific indicators of success in surviving an affair.

Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Has my spouse shared all of the details of the affair with me?
2. Has my spouse completely ended all contact with the object of the affair?
3. Does my spouse exhibit deep regret and remorse in regards to the affair?

If you are able to answer 'yes' to these questions, statistics show that your marriage has a very good chance of surviving an affair. With the right amount of effort and successful redirection of suspicion, you and your spouse will surely be able to succeed.

Exploring your feelings can be a tool for recovery

The feelings of suspicion after an affair are very natural and normal; however, it's very important to learn ways of controlling your suspicions in coping with mistrustful feelings. This is a very important part of the healing process.

After your spouse has had an affair, it may be very difficult to manage feelings of suspicion and jealousy. Unfortunately, there is nothing more discouraging to a spouse who is truly trying to make amends than to be confronted with jealousy and suspicion. This state of affairs will certainly destroy your efforts to rebuild your marriage.

By using your feelings as a tool for recovery, you gain control over them. It is very important that you not attempt to deny or bury your feelings of mistrust and suspicion. The process of coping with these feelings is one of the activities that will help to rebuild trust with your spouse. Be very transparent about your feelings, and brainstorm with your spouse to come up with solutions.

Once you have made a commitment to work together for recovery, you must avoid blame altogether. Even though your spouse's affair is not a result of your actions but of your spouse's, be sure to always use "I messages" when discussing your feelings with your spouse. Avoid blaming yourself or your spouse, yet be sure to own your feelings.

Remember that only a small part of the world has changed

After the affair, you may feel that everything you have ever believed is false, but a few deep breaths and a little logical thought will tell you that this can't possibly be true.
Remember:

• You were not wrong or stupid to trust your spouse throughout your marriage.
• If you had been mistrustful or suspicious, your behavior might have caused an affair!
• You are still attractive, and your spouse wants to work with you to rebuild your marriage.
• Together, you can succeed in rebuilding your marriage!

While it may seem your entire world has changed, the fact is only one thing has changed, and you can gain control of the situation and turn that negative into a positive.

Use rebuilding your marriage as an opportunity to rebuild yourself

Rebuilding trust does not mean being excessively trusting or gullible, nor does it mean being suspicious and constantly living in fear of being cheated on again. As you work with your spouse toward rebuilding trust, you must be sure to look out for your own best interests. Be very clear about what it will take to rebuild your trust, and establish specific boundaries and procedures for meeting your needs.

If you have a hard time thinking of yourself as worthy of the consideration that you need, think about how you would advise someone else. You would never imply that your best friend was at fault or was not attractive enough or lovable enough to deserve a happy relationship, so don't do that to yourself. Think about how you would advise someone you care about, and advise yourself in the same way.

While you're working with your spouse to improve your marriage, remember to work on yourself as well in a very positive way.

• Correct any faults you may have such as smoking or drinking to excess.
• Participate in activities that lighten your spirit and bring you joy!
• Do all that you can to enrich yourself in body, mind and spirit.
• Take good care of yourself and your spouse.
• Surround yourself with positive people!

Rebuild your marriage after the affair by turning negative to positive

By approaching recovery after an affair in a positive manner, you can transform a very negative situation into an opportunity for growth and greater depth in your relationship with your spouse. This junction in your relationship can be a catalyst to tremendous self-awareness and self -improvement.

Remember that suspicion and jealousy are entirely negative emotions that really serve no good purpose. Sidestep them by choosing to take the next right step to rebuild your marriage.