Fighting Over Money With Spouse: Husband And Wife Fighting About Money

Fighting Over Money With Spouse: Husband And Wife Fighting About Money

Did you know that 43% of all married couples argue over money issues, making it the major reason couples fight? If you and your spouse handle money differently, now is the time to talk, establish expectations, and draw up a financial plan.

Money is a very big part of a marriage. Having enough to spend, and to do the things each wants to do, is important to both parties. When couples are not able to do that, then other issues pop up in the relationship. When husband and wife are not on the same page as far as family finances go, other difficulties inevitably arise.

Effective communication often emerges as the most difficult obstacle to establishing goals and expectations, and developing a financial plan. Many of us have been taught during childhood that discussing money is somehow inappropriate. Couples must understand that it is not only appropriate but absolutely necessary to managing finances in a marriage. Just as finances must be planned in a business, they must also be planned in a marriage. You must communicate in spite of any difficulty.

For example, how do you get your spouse to understand that he or she will need to curb their spending habits so that you both can begin putting money away?

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There's got to be a viable agreement, because most couples discover that a lack of money, a lack of spending control, or a lack of fall-back savings eventually causes other problems in a marriage. Little things grow into much bigger things. However, as emphasized by Daniel Smith a noted financial expert cited in The Marriage Medics, future arguments over finances can be avoided by simply communicating, creating an understanding of expectations, setting objectives and agreeing on a financial roadmap.

The Marriage Medics outlines the following financial plan of attack for couples of any age:

1. Stop living beyond your means.

2. Treat the household like a business.

3. Create an income-and-expense statement.

4. Create a balance sheet.

5. Create a budget.

6. Figure out how to pay down your debt. Agree on a plan of action in which you both share equally in cutbacks.

7. Find ways to cut expenses.

8. Go on a debt diet starting with the little stuff.

9. Have only one credit card for your entire family.

10. Celebrate when you pay off a debt.

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What is possibly the most over used word in the history of mankind? Trust! The importance of this word has been very well recorded, as countries have fallen, lives have been taken and many hearts broken because of this powerful word. So what is trust, what does it mean? How can you know if someone can be trusted?

I trust you. Its a common phrase used by us all as we walk through life with so much hope in our hearts. We set our standards by those we trust, family and teachers, judges and doctors and for most of us husbands and wives. But when trust is abused we no longer feel positive, there is an uneasy feeling that something is wrong. Like a chemical explosion it eats at your soul until you no longer trust, your heart, yourself.

Is it any wonder that love and trust seem to walk hand in hand, ever entwined in a web of mystique? It makes love seem so fragile when that ever-changing word is brought into the equation. When you fall in love a state of bliss prevails and you believe that this feeling will never be denied. Unfortunately the human race may have created these words without giving enough honour to them, as all too often we take the light out of them and deface their meaning. So how can we repair the trust that is gone, betrayed by a moment a careless encounter.

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Scarlet and Mark seemed to be doing well, they were in their second year of marriage and on the surface appeared happy But Scarlet was uneasy there was something amiss, lately Mark had been moody and inattentive at home. One night while they were arguing, Mark blurted it out, he said he was having an affair but was going to end it that day. Scarlet was devastated, but not surprised at the news, her womens intuition had already alerted her earlier. The trust they once shared was now in the mud and Scarlet could not forgive him, as he wanted her too. He said it was a moment of madness that he wished he could take back; he wanted to work it out but Scarlet was so hurt.

That feeling in your gut when you know trust is gone, how will you regain it and is it possible to love again? So many marriages die due to this, as one or both partners are unable to forgive and move on. It is possible to heal and stay where you are; its a matter of working on the areas within yourself and your marriage. We put so much faith in love and trust and are almost broken when these words betray us. As humans we are vulnerable and still finding our way, we need to reinvent ourselves constantly to lead solid, happy lives. Its hard enough coping with our own special needs but in a marriage there are two of you and that means even more potential issues that may come to pass. Marriages that make it are due to attention on both sides and a willingness to not give up when a bridge has to be crossed. By opening yourselves up to each other with honesty and faith, you will not only regain that feeling at the start but you will go on much stronger, now aware of each others frailty and fears and a wanting to protect all that is yours.

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Our relationships change when we make personal changes. The work we do to strengthen our emotional fitness has a direct effect on how we conduct ourselves in our relationships.

Studies show that most people do not expect enough of themselves. We are all capable of upgrading who we are by taking a fresh look at ourselves. Especially as we get older it is imperative that we not only are physically fit but that we also strengthen our emotional fitness.

What are the benefits of upgrading who you?

1. You accept that you alone are responsible for your feelings

Even though in many situations you may initially think that someone else is making you feel a certain way you accept that that is not possible. You appreciate the freedom that comes from that.

2. You become clearer about who you are

By paying attention to your feelings and thinking you gain clarity in how you respond to others.

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3. You learn to say NO or YES when it is right for you

You are no longer as worried about what others think. Before responding you ask yourself: What do I want to do? You listen to your answer and choose how you respond.

4. You value your feelings and thinking

You enjoy the fact that you are unique and there is no one else in the whole wide world like you. Likewise, you see everyone that you are in a relationship with as separate from you with their own feelings and thinking. This awareness helps you to be less reactive and more tolerant.

5. You love who you are becoming

You see yourself as having a new zest for life. It is reflected in your relationships. By strengthening your emotional fitness you have been able to leave your comfort zone and expand your life in new directions. You love that you are growing your self and your relationships.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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As a Psychologist an understanding of behavior and providing Relationship Advice is what allows me to help people work through their troubles. Helping people to adjust their behaviors and better their relationships is one of life's greatest rewards. It can be just the smallest thing or even just the slightest change in behavior which will allow them to have a more fulfilling and stronger relationship.

Through Online Marriage Counseling I get to observe, first hand, these changes and watch relationships blossom and become more fruitful. Seeing Relationship Advice or a long term Marriage Counseling process resulting successfully for a couple is a very heart-warming and it amazes me that sometimes it is the smallest of changes the bring about the most fulfilling results.

This was the case with J. who recently contacted me about some problems that had developed in her relationship. The development was not a new one, it had been inherent for quite some time and she had just finally reached the point where she couldn't stand it any longer. "My husband thinks because he has a job and provides money that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything."

"I am not his freaking maid! It's not my job to clean up his mess all the time." J. angrily complained to me. Her voice seethingly bared all of her pent up frustration. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears from her built up frustration.

I had J. pause here for a moment. Many times when people come to Online Counseling the first time they are, understandably so, overcome with emotion. I therefore advised J., "collect yourself and your thoughts for a moment; then continue." J took a couple of deep breathes and then noticeably calmer began to tell me about her situation.

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"He gets home from work, takes his boots and socks off and just leaves his dirty laundry right in the middle of the living room. Even when I did have a job he still never helped around the house. He comes home all the time complaining cause the house is dirty. I do clean up but I have a 2-year-old that just make messes again. My husband thinks that I should follow my 2-year-old around the house all day cleaning up her mess and if I don't I am a bad mother."

I couldn't help but notice her using the possessive term "I" here. Wanting to make sure I fully understood the situation I inquired about it. "Is the two year old his?"

J. told me. "No, it's mine from a previous relationship." I advised J. to continue her story.

"I do work at home. I do daycare watching a 4 month old right now. Also I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and the laundry. He gets home and does nothing!" Her voice is faltering slightly giving way to her agitation.

J. finishes up her explanation of her current situation by relating to me two distinct instances that expressed her growing frustration about the issues she has with her husband. "He is supposed to fold the laundry but can't even manage that. I wash the laundry and put it on the counter so he can fold it later. It just sits there! I even told him I wasn't washing anymore of his laundry until he folds the laundry on the counter. He still refused and called me lazy."

"After I cook dinner, I expect him to load the dishwasher. Most times I end up waking up in the morning and having to load it after he goes off to work. There are days where I'll just let the dishes stack up. When he asks, "What's for dinner?" I tell him, "Well since I have no dishes to cook on, nothing." He ends up just ordering pizza or going to a fast food place and the dishes still just sit there."

When J. finished her initial observation of her situation, she asked a question I found to be very curious. "Is there a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?"

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I wanted to get a little more information from J. So I turned the question around and asked her. "Do you think there is a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?"

J. replied. "I don't think there's any reason a guy can't help around the house. Most of the guys I know don't though. My friend's boyfriends, my father and brothers and my previous boyfriend, they didn't help around the house at all. None of them. I don't get it." She concluded.

From a Psychologist perspective, I offered my professional point of view: we could assume that this is his way to show dominance and control. A related explanation is that this is his way to retaliate about something that he felt was unfair to him and a common way of doing so employs the 'Passive-Aggressive' mode. These are too far away speculations, I said, so we have to gather more information; but let us assume that this is the case here. If indeed so, do not worry, I continued: marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors. Something within one spouse's actions triggers the others, which means that you can do things that would effect and change your husband's behavioral pattern.

The ground for a mutual Marriage Counseling work was established. My professional assessment triggered the husband to join and participate in a structured Online Marriage Counseling process. No, it was not a quick-fix Relationship Advice; but yes, it was done within less than two months; only six counseling sessions were needed in order for them to move into a different, happier and more equality fulfilling lifestyle.

Now Listen Carefully-

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