Mother In Law Causing Problems In Marriage: Leaving Husband Because Of Mother In Law

Mother In Law Causing Problems In Marriage: Leaving Husband Because Of Mother In Law

You have a rotten relation with your mother in law. You say yes and she says no. You say now and she says later. Whenever you meet there is friction and tension and after she leaves you have this feeling of guilt in the pit of your stomach. Your going mad but you don't know what to do. Where should you begin?

Do you want to hear my humble and unsolicited advice: START ANYWHERE! DO ANYTHING! If you keep it up long enough things will improve.

Did you ever hear of the "butterfly effect" (scientifically know as: sensitive dependence on initial conditions)? It simply means that since everything in this world is interconnected, any little change (like a butterfly flapping his wing in China) will eventually cause great changes (like a tornado in Texas).

This is one of the reasons why it is so hard to forecast the weather even a few weeks in advance. A little unexplainable wind coming in from the north causes such a chain reaction of events that eventually the original weather forecast is totally void.

Human relationships in general, family relationships specifically, and mother in law relationships even more specifically are not any less complex than the weather. A myriad of contradictory emotions; love, hate, envy, closeness all are bottled up in all the family members competing to rule. When the family members come together....!@#$%^%$#@)

Therefore the the most effective way that I know to better family relationships is:

1. Read some books or articles about or "Google" "bad family relationships" and choose one small idea that you think you can implement (for instance, call your mother in law up once a week to talk about something that interests HER, ask her some advice (even if you have no intention of following it, or send her a small present).

2. Watch her reaction. If you see even the slightest improvement in her attitude towards you , then keep it up. If not, try something else.

In short, to improve your relationship with your mother in law, try something small, keep it up, and eventually you'll see great changes!

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There is a lot of work involved in having a strong marriage. Most people go into it without realizing just how hard it actually is. If you are prepared to work at it then there is a pretty good chance that you will be able to have a successful marriage. The following five tips should help you figure out what you need to work at.

You Have to Talk

One of the most important things that you can do if you want to save your marriage is to talk to your partner. Communication is critical in any relationship, unfortunately a lot of married couples struggle with this. Being able to discuss the issues that affect your marriage in an open and honest way is critical to being able to solve them. If you and your spouse are having trouble communicating it is something that you are going to want to work on.

Spend Time Together

A lot of couples find that they don't have a lot of time to spend together. Between kids and work there is usually a lot going on and this makes it hard to find time for each other. It is hard to have a strong relationship if you are not spending time together as a couple so make an effort to do so.

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Don't Let the Kids Take Over the Marriage

One of the reasons that a lot of couples find that they can't communicate or spend time together is that the kids take up all of their time. There is no getting around the fact that your children are going to be a major part of your life. You do however have to find time to get away from them and be alone with your spouse. When you do get time alone together it is also important that you find something to talk about besides the kids.

Have a Life Outside the Home

The best way to make sure that you have something to talk about when you and your spouse are alone is to find the time to have activities that you do outside of the house. This can be anything that the two of you enjoy doing. Not only will this give you something to talk about but it will also allow you to spend time together.

Find Time for Yourself

While making sure that you and your spouse are able to spend time together is important if you are going to have a successful marriage you also have to make sure that you find time for yourself. Nobody can handle being around other people all the time. You won't be able to find a lot of time to spend alone but even a small amount can really help.

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If you and your spouse have split up and you want to get back together, you have to have the mindset of I can save my marriage. You need to be determined but patient. The thing to know is that it is possible to get back together and save your marriage.

To start you need to understand why marriages fail. If you aren't able to pinpoint the exact reason the relationship ended, it is best to understand the differing needs of men and women.

Men usually don't want to hurt their spouse's feelings, that is why women can have a hard time getting a man to open up and say what they are feeling. They will leave a relationship where they are not feeling respected and admired for who they are.

Women on the other hand are generally more loyal but that loyalty will end when they stop feeling appreciated. Women want to know that you appreciate all the little things they do for you. Unfortunately, some men will see this as their spouse or girlfriend being needy.

Of course this can turn into a vicious cycle where the husband feels his wife is too needy and nags and doesn't respect him, leaving her feeling unappreciated because he is not sharing his feelings about the things he appreciates about her. So if this goes unchecked it can spiral out of control to the point where one or both people want out of the marriage.

The good thing is if you realize what is happening or has happened it is possible to reverse this negative process.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Wendy and Al argued a lot. They were married with 3 young children and committed to each other, but rarely a day went by without one of them feeling the other was starting a fight. And, of course, they never agreed as to who started the argument. The sad part, I thought as I listened over the first few weeks of seeing them in my office, was they never fought about anything serious; it was just repetitive arguing.

Several times during each session, Al said something like this: "I'd walk in after a long day at work and, it's like she hits me with a frying pan. Or, I'd just be sitting in the living room; I never know when the criticism is going to come.

Wendy repeated something like this: "He's never here; he always works late. Then he comes home and says he's tired and just wants to be left alone to unwind. He never asks anything about my day, how hard it is for me working part time and taking care of the kids and house."

It was clear their anger and hurt resulted from each of them feeling unloved and unappreciated by the other. To understand where this came from (since they did love and appreciate the other); we looked at their family history. Neither had loving nurturing parents, so they had little to draw on from their life experience to give to each other when times were tough. But this insight was not useful in changing their behaviors.

Neither was going back over some of their arguments - to see if they could hear from each other's perspective. Nor, was saying "Ouch" when one felt attacked by the other.

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They were garnering insight -- they each had so little to give yet needed so much from each other. However, you have to have something inside before you can give out. So, the only thing they could do was keep pounding on each other hoping to get understood and appreciated.

They wondered why the other didn't leave, but neither of them wanted to. Nothing was working, yet they wanted to continue therapy.

Out of frustration I suggested: "Next time you two get into it, regardless who starts it, one of you says, 'I love you' and then go hug the other."

Al looked shocked. "Why would I say I love you when I'm reeling from her criticizing me" he said, as he held his head from the imagined blow of the metaphorical frying pan?

Before I could respond, Wendy spouted, "No way would I want to hug him when I am so furious." "This sounds like that ouch thing, that never worked," she recalled.

I take a calm slowing breath. "I know you two want to stay together; I know you both are hurting so much, and feel the other is doing the hurting. We've tried a lot of different things, and one thing is clear; trying to fix the problem is not working. So, as a last resort, I'm suggesting you don't even bother to respond to the other. If you are angry, just say, 'I love you,' and go hug the other. I don't care of you grit your teeth and have to drag the words out. Something has to get you two to stop the hurt. Remember, you don't have to mean it; you just have to do it."

I expected more reasons why it wouldn't work, but to my surprise, they were both smiling shyly at each other.

"It sounds silly," she said, "but it might really work. It'll be hard."

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"It will be really hard," he agreed (one of the few times they had agreed in my office). "We can try it, but I'm skeptical she can do it," he accused. She glared at him, "Oh, but you think you'll be able to?"

I stopped them from talking anymore and reminded them that it didn't matter who "caused" the upset, and it didn't matter who stopped it with the one sentence and hug. It just needed to be stopped.

They came into the next session smiling. The tension between them was palpably eased. She spoke up immediately.

"We had maybe 4 or 5 times when we hugged and said I love you. Two were easy, but 2 times it was very hard for me to stop and hug him."

They both laugh, in remembering that.

"I realized what I was doing, and walked over to him. I said, 'I still think I'm right, and I'm still angry at you, but I love you,' and I gave him a hug. And, you want to hear the most amazing thing. I was still huffy afterwards for an hour maybe, after that, I felt fine. We had plans for the evening; we went and actually had a good time."

He grins affectionately while she is talking. This is something I have rarely seen.

They said they were eager to try this again. And, they have - for a lot of weeks and months. They have enjoyed doing this. It hasn't stopped the arguments from starting, but it has stopped them. It hasn't helped them understand each other better, but it has kept them from hating each other.

P.S. Wendy said she has accepted Al as he is, "I'm not happy with it, but I'm not fighting it now." Al said Wendy criticizes him, but he doesn't react like he used to. They've accepted what they cannot get from the other, leaving them to enjoy what they can get.

Now Listen Carefully-

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