Signals that your relationship is failing

John Gottman is a psychologist in the US who has studied married couples in great depth. This man has got the art of reading couples so off pat that he can tell within three minutes of observing them interact whether they will stay together or separate. He's spot on 96% of the time! When guru's proclaim, the wise pay attention! So what's Gottman got that the rest of us haven't? Is he an empath? Is he a wizard? Well, no, but he does have a ruddy great big "lab" that he sticks couples in to observe how they behave.
Don't imagine this is any normal lab, think Big Brother house rather than science geek basement. Gottman and his team have observed over 700 couples in the lab. The couple isalways asked to take their normal bits and bobs from home so they can have a "typical" weekend together. They are microphoned up and videoed through one way mirrors. Afterwards they answer extensive questionnaires and their relationships are watched over several years to assess how they progress.I can imagine you are asking what Gottman has concluded? Lots of worthwhile information that psychotherapists like me can pass on to you to keep you and your partner together.
One of the things Gottman observed in relationships that are doing badly is the manifestation of what he calls "The four Horsemen of divorce". In this article will be explaining what these four horsemen are. Next post I'll tell you how you can keep them from your relationship door.
Horseman 1: Criticism.
When couples critise each other, Gottman has seen that they seperate more frequently. Complaining is OK, criticism is lethal to your relationship. So what's the difference? Complaining does not involve labelling our partner in any way. A complaint will concentrate on the behaviour your spouse carried out. So "I feel annoyed that you didn't fill the dishwasher last night" is a complaint and "you didn't load the dishwasher last night. You're so slothful and pathetic around the house and you never help" is a criticism. There's nowhere for your partner to go when you criticise. Criticism often leads to the second horseman, defensiveness.

Horseman 2: Defensiveness
This is where when your other half complains or criticises you defend yourself passionately and accept no blame for the problem. So to "I feel angry you didn't load the dishwasher last night" a defensive response would be "it was up to you to tell me? It's not my fault I didn't do it!". It's pretty much saying to your partner "the problem is not me, it's you".

Horseman 3: Contempt
Contempt is where you suggest that your spouse is inferior to you in some way. In TA terms it's when you invite your partner to be "not OK" whilst you stay "OK". It can be spotted in body language, facial expression and certain speech patterns such as sarcasm and cynicism. Blatant contempt would be name calling, mockery and hostile humour. No other horseman does as much damage as contempt. When contempt is present it's impossible to talk meaningfully with your partner. Contempt gives your partner the message that they are "disgusting" and leaves them in an impossible place to recover from. When we demean our partner the love and affection within the relationship leaks away.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling
This is where one partner does not respond to what the other partner is saying. They are impassive. As emotionless as a stone wall. The stonewaller might continue to read or watch TV as if their partner is not talking to them. The message sent by the stonewaller is "you are not important to me and your comments are not valid". It's men that are the most frequent stone wallers. Women tend to do the criticism. Men often behave like this because they don't know how to deal with the emotions that they're feeling, but it's a poor coping strategy if the ultimate aim is to have a healthy relationship .

So there they are - Gottman's four horsemen of divorce. Now don't feel scared if you see many of these issues in your relationship. That's normal . The first stage of change is to recognise what you are doing wrong and then make the decision to do it differently. There is hope and each of these relationship poisons has an antidote. Read my next post to find out what they are.