Dr. Romance writes: In today's world, people don't often realize the importance of companionship until later in life. Staying fit and physically and socially active increases your odds of finding someone to date, and also increases your libido and your chances of successful sex. But, beware of too much focus on the surface, and not enough content. Such relationships quickly become empty and stressful.
Older couples have many issues to work out while dating. They are established, with clear likes and dislikes, and may have difficulty reaching agreement on lifestyle issues. They often have grown families, who may have trouble accepting a parent's or grandparent's dating. They also have relationship experience, and a widow or widower, for example, may have trouble getting beyond the previous marriage, and dealing with a different person. The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive.
Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today shows you how to use the "get a life" method of pursuing your interests in a group fashion. Taking classes, supporting causes, or getting involved in civic, church or social groups will keep you interested, socially connected, and give you a chance to find someone with whom you have something in common. Focus on activities that you enjoy (sports, classes, or political, social, charitable or religious activities ) which involve meeting other people and creating a social circle.
If you are doing things that are meaningful to you, you'll automatically have something in common with anyone you meet there. It will also move your focus from desperation to something productive, which will bring out your most attractive character traits. As a bonus, you also get to observe that person around other people, which will tell you a lot about his/her character. Dating doesn't happen until you are already quite sure you two are mutually compatible and interested, and success is almost guaranteed.
Dr. Romance’s 3 tips to finding true love
1. Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship. You can mess around with anyone (if you’re careful and have safe sex) but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they’re bringing baggage. Know what’s hidden – what’s not said at the beginning. Their baggage becomes your problem. Remember, whoever you’re dating is on best behavior. It gets worse later, not better.
2. Understand your own needs. Need a lot of space? Want lots of affection? Have to know what’s going on all the time? Or are you able to relax and go with the flow? Whatever your style is, it’s OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can train each other, if you both know what you need.
3. Don’t seek romance, seek partnership. Romance is for dates, and fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it’s partnership that will get you through the rough times. Don’t look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won’t like what happens later. Look for someone who likes give-and-take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.
For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.