• It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.
• Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.
• Look to the other person’s positive intent as you hear what is said.
• Saying less and listening more often gets you more of what you want.
• Looking directly and warmly, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy.
• Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.
• First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in the other person.
• Do not interrupt, especially when you most want to.
• First, respond to the other person’s question. Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering,
second-guessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.
• Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person’s question of you.
• Find out whether the other person feels you’ve answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.
• Showing resentment and resistance will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.
• Rather than describing what you don’t like, ask for a specific change without using emotionally-charged characterizations.
• Be willing to make a change before asking for one.
• Do not ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.
• Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistant you’ll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.
• Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.
• Use vivid, specific and emotion-laden language to describe what you like and respect.
• Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite
• Men. Give her more eye contact. If you don’t feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly. Then tell her when you will get back to • In the middle of your most heated moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it. Of course all these wise pieces of advice are much easier to offer that to live by.
• A tender touch is loving language.
Kare Anderson’s TED talk on The Web of Humanity: Be an Opportunity Maker attracted over 2.5 million views. She is an Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal journalist, now a speaker on connective behavior and author. Her. Her TEDx talk on Redefine Your Life Around a Mutuality Mindset is now a standard session for employees and invited clients at 14 national and global corporations. Her ideas have been cited in 16 books. Her clients are as diverse as Salesforce, Novartis, and The Skoll Foundation. She was a founding board member of Annie’s Homegrown and co-founder of nine women’s political PACs. For Obama's first presidential campaign she created over 208 issues formation teams. She was Pacific Telesis' first Cable TV and Wideband Division Director and a founding board member of Annie's Homegrown.Kare’s the author of Opportunity Makers, Mutuality Matters, Moving From Me to We, Beauty Inside Out, Walk Your Talk, Getting What You Want, and Resolving Conflict Sooner. She serves on the boards of The Business Innovation Factory, TEDxMarin, and World Affairs Council Marin.