I recently heard from a wife who wasn't sure why she felt the way that she did. Her husband of five years had decided that he wasn't happy being married and he felt that he should explore life on his own to see if it would make him happier. He didn't give the wife much warning about this. He told her he was unhappy one day and left the next.
The wife was having a very hard time dealing with this. She missed him desperately. She said, in part: "What does it say about me that I want my husband even more after he's left me? I probably should be angry with him. I probably should be backing off or ignoring him, but I can't seem to. I just want him even more and I feel almost desperate to get him back. I want to call him all the time. I want to go to where he is. How do I stop feeling this way? My best friend just asked me if I have any backbone at all. Maybe I don't. Is it normal to feel this way? What should I do?" I'll tell you my take on this in the following article.
Is It Wrong Or Abnormal To Want Him More After He's Left?: It's not abnormal at all! Sometimes, people actually take a break from their spouse on purpose because it can sometimes make people realize how much they miss and really do love the other person.
We all can fall into the trap of taking our spouse for granted. When they are gone, this can become that much more apparent. Our feelings and our longing can certainly intensify.
This doesn't make you abnormal by any means. Sure, it would also be normal to be angry or resentful that he left. But often, the most dominant feelings are how much you love him, miss him, and don't want to lose him.
It's often not until you are alone for a while and experience what you've lost, that you fully appreciate it and want it back just that much more. I don't think it's abnormal at all.
So, What Do You Do If He's Left And You Want Him Even More?: Well, at this point, you have a choice to make. You can try to get him back. You can give the situation some time. You can do a combination of both, or you can decide that it's best to let him go.
Many women who contact me on my blog very much want him back. But, they don't want to do the wrong thing and they don't want to push him further away. The thing is, sometimes the husband isn't sure what he wants and isn't as receptive to your getting him back as you might like.
In this case, you'll usually need to try a combination of giving him space and trying to get him back. I know that this perhaps sounds confusing or even contradictory, but it really isn't. You know how you're missing him and wanting him even more right now because he isn't right there all of the time?
Well, this is precisely the same way that you want him to feel about you. But in order for this to happen, you will usually need to give it a little time. This doesn't mean that you need to make yourself completely scarce or pretend that his leaving never happened.
He likely left because he was so troubled by what was happening in the marriage that he needed some time to reflect. You'll often need to respect this and give him that time. But, while this is happening, nothing says that you can't be strengthening yourself so that when you do see or communicate with him, the transformation is quite obvious.
Ultimately, you want to show him the woman he remembers and used to love very much. You want to show him where you are strong whether than showing him where you are weak. This means you see or talk to him at very calculated times that don't happen constantly. This means that you give him the space that he has asked for. ( I know that this is hard. I had to literally force myself to do this during my own separation, which you can read about here.)
And you make every interaction with him count. It shouldn't be overly obvious what you are trying to do. You really do have to walk the line between backing off and reminding him of what he loves about you. Sometimes, this means acting in a way counter to what you are actually feeling at the time.
I realize that this can be a challenge. But I promise you that men are more attracted to positive thinking and acting women than those who are desperate, afraid, or needy. Even if you feel this way, you shouldn't allow this to be obvious when you are with him.
He will still know that you love him and want your marriage back, but it should not be your focus. Your focus should be to maintain the relationship and to slowly rebuild.
As you move very slowly and you play this correctly, he will hopefully begin to want you back too. When that happens, don't pounce or move too quickly. Continue on in the same way until HE is initiating coming back to you. (This was honestly the hardest part for me, but it is why I'm still married today.)
Understand that I didn't always understand these principles. I made many mistakes. But eventually, I learned what I needed to do and this brought him back to me. You can read more my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com