I often receive comments and emails from wives who tell me that their husband is claiming that he wants a divorce, and the wives want to know if this means the end of the marriage. The answer to this question is going to greatly depend upon the circumstances around it, but I believe that until the final and complete divorce papers are signed by a judge and filed by a court, that the marriage can potentially be saved. And sometimes, couples even reconcile and remarry after a divorce, so there is always hope. However, there are several things that you can do to greatly improve your chances of preventing the divorce all together in the first place. I'll explain these tactics in the following article and will tell you why they work.
Getting Down To The Real Reason That He Wants The Divorce (It's Probably Not What You Think): So many wives complain that their husbands won't tell them the "real reason" that he wants to end the marriage. Men are often poor communicators, so they will often give you very vague justifications like: "I just don't want to be married anymore;" or "I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you;" or "I just need time alone to work on myself." None of these things really gives you a concrete "in" so that you can formulate a decent plan, but you can often read between the lines.
In truth, it's often not the external, third party issues that kill a marriage. These things (like stress, infidelity, money issues, "falling out of love," etc.) are often just symptoms of one thing - a loss of intimacy and closeness. In a nutshell, the "we" becomes an "I" and you begin to see yourselves as individuals rather than as part of a cohesive team.
Because, if you think back to when you first fell in love, you'll likely remember that any "issues" or petty arguments were brushed off without a lot of drama. That's because people who are deeply connected to one another feel a great deal of empathy and affection that trumps all of the other issues. So, people who are deeply in love don't want to dwell on things that would pull them apart rather than improve their connection.
At this point though, this connection has likely been lost. This is so common today. We all have so many responsibilities and commitments that pull us in a million different directions. Our spouses are witness to this, of course. So, we just hope and assume that they will understand that the amount of time and effort today has to be less than it was when we first met. Of course, their head understands this, but that doesn't keep their heart from being disappointed and feeling neglected.
At the end of the day, everyone wants to feel cherished, valued, understood, and heard. Once your spouse feels that you are no longer doing this, they tend to shut down, and this is when the distance and coldness begin to appear. After a while, he'll often begin to assume that the closeness is forever gone and can't return. Obviously, you need to show him that this just isn't true. (I know what a challenge this is. I went about this in a catastrophic way at first. More on that here.)
It's Better To Subtly Make Him Want To Change His Mind Than To Try To Strong-Arm Or Convince Him That He Is Wrong And You Are Right: Here is the most common mistake that I see wives make. The first phase of "fighting" the divorce is that you will try to talk everything out. You will want to shine a light on every problem in your marriage and then explain why these things can be fixed. Or, you'll reason with your husband that he is perceiving things incorrectly and then you'll want to tell him how things really are. Finally, when these things don't work, many women will just insist that they aren't signing anything and that the husband can seek a divorce until he's blue in the face, but that you aren't going to give an inch.
He's the problem with both of these tactics. First, by trying to convince him to see things your way, whether you mean to or not, you're implying that he doesn't have the right to want things to be different or that he is not perceptive or intelligent enough to see the real situation. Worse, you're implying that your need for happiness is more important than his. Finally, you're refusing to work with him as partners and two people who love each other and who ultimately want the same thing. This is not the message you want to send - not by a long shot.
It's better to behave as if you are on your husband's side and you are willing to validate his feelings and empathize with them. When you married him, you promised to honor him and respect him. So, you want to take the stance that you are hearing what he is saying and you agree that a serious overhaul is needed. You want to stress that he is the most important person in the world and you will do whatever is necessary to ensure that you both get the best resolution possible where - at the end of the day, whatever the resolution, you can be proud of the way that you have behaved and supported one another.
If you continue to behave with dignity, empathy, and grace, it's highly likely that your situation is going to improve and you can then build up large improvements from there.
The Best, Gradual and Subtle Way To Change His Mind About The Divorce: Once you begin to put this plan into action, you'll likely notice that your husband isn't avoiding you as much anymore. But, there is still a long way to go between getting along and wanting to remain married. It's so important that you move slowly and be willing to accept baby steps at first. Your goal is really to have small positive experiences on a regular basis. You want to show your spouse the individual with whom he first fell in love. The one with the easy laugh. The one who understood him better than any other. The one who put having fun together high on her priority list.
When these things start to work, always force yourself to move slowly. If you start to ask for reassurance or commitment or push for "where this is going?" you may scare him off. It's better to let him be the one who asks for more, as this will restore the balance of power between you and put you at a place where your marriage is now strong enough to work through the issues with both of you on board.
I always felt that my marriage was worth saving, but I went about saving it in the wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove him further away. Thankfully, I soon realized where I was going wrong. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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