Maybe this has happened to you...you were looking forward to Saturday night with your beloved, music on, scrumptious, savory take-out coming and fragrant candles lit. He/She starts inching towards you, closer, wanting to nuzzle up, you, on the other hand, notice that you’re starting to pull away, into yourself, feeling hard, because there’s quite a few hurts that aren’t fully resolved and you’re just not sure how to speak about it without getting reactive.
You wish you could speak clearly, but you feel stuck in overwhelm, resentment, and your body is buzzing with sensations that make no sense and they feel like they’re pulling you into a dark part of your heart or you just want to fight or react in intensity.
If only you could navigate that better, and learn how to own and share about your hurt in a good way, a clear way, that represents how you feel, while feeling safe about being that vulnerable.
How?
It’s super important for us all to acknowledge that we do not process hurt as a human race and when we let this truth in deeply, there's compassion and forgiveness that starts to grow.
All we have to do is look at this world! People retaliate in hurt. Hurt people hurt others back. People fight wars because they are hurt. People abuse substances because they are hurt. People try to control others when they are hurt. People get angry when they are hurt. I could go on and on with the sheer amount of destructive behaviors I see when people are hurt. So much is organized around not saying we are hurt because if we do, we can be afraid that bad things can happen, or ‘they’ whoever is in that position can kick us when we are down. Letting this truth in is so massively understanding, compassionate and forgiving for how human we actually are and yet still acknowledging that we are still navigating how to do this. Yes, you might need to be reminded of this many times, but it’s necessary and when you let it deeply in, there’s a compassion and forgiveness that starts to grow.
Of course, acknowledgement is only the first step. But if we don’t see the cultural contexts where we are coming from, how do we ever create real connection with our hurt? So when we take in where we are coming from, the culture, from our head down to our toes, that we are literally dealing with thousands of years of conditioning that we don’t process hurt well as humans yet, this is normalizing, which is a relief. It’s also fascinating which makes us have awe and wonder, far better than reactivity. Then we can at least have a moment to ask ourselves, “am I operating from this cultural conditioning, was I raised within that culture?” Most likely the answer is yes. How does that feel? How does that land in our hearts? What does that open up for any of us?
We don’t realize that context DOES create connection. Think about every connection you have with anything. Your hurt feelings come from somewhere. Where? What conditioning? What training did you have around hurt? It’s not some magical thing that just popped up overnight. Seeing where it comes from and asking these questions creates relationship, and that then in turn creates intimacy with those things, and then with the problem, and eventually that creates love because at least you are IN dialogue with it, you are opening up to it. It’s kind, it’s inclusive and it’s non negotiable, every single time.
And this is the desired state far more than the disconnection state; to be in relationship with the hurt. Connecting to the hurt. Relating to the hurt. Making space for the hurt. Looking into it with more observation, awareness and curiosity. Hardly any of us are taught to do that, let alone do it well.
That connection creates understanding. And we cannot have more softness or healing without it. Understanding is like the giant mental and emotional container, like an upside down umbrella, that holds all the pieces. It is containing. It is unifying. That understanding then gets brought to the hurt. It changes your words. It changes what you say about your hurt. It changes what you say to your partner. And even more so, how they respond.
And that understanding creates forgiveness and compassion that starts to grow through the relationship. Because when you create a big enough container inside you, and your partner does too, all the pieces of the dynamic are held present there in that container. That is the stand that is under everything = understanding. And when you have enough of that, you have space to create something new, space to create a choice or intention, space to create compassion, space to express that, and space to see your partner and yourself or the dynamic more clearly.
To sum up:
Receiving that we don’t do hurt well gives us much needed context.
That context creates connection
Instead of disconnection
That connection creates understanding
That understanding creates forgiveness and compassion that starts to grow through the relationship...
Now if you want soul satisfying sex, love and closeness, the kind you’ve been craving, you HAVE to learn how to deal with hurt in a relationship. Otherwise, you have resentments, mind games and a hardened heart in an invulnerable relationship. That goes only one place, and not a good one. When you liberate the dark protections of hurt into love, into tenderness, into vulnerability and safety to express it, into presence, into connection, into understanding compassion and forgiveness what do you get back? You get back MASSIVE life force energy, you get back massive (what I call, love force energy), you get back tenderness and the precious sweetness that goes along with that. And with those qualities, you get to easily connect, you get intimacy, you basically can create whatever love, sex and intimate partnership that you want… And so which version of that do you want….?
In my 3 month private, hybrid 1:1 and group program, I help coaches, entrepreneurs and professionals figure out how to specifically unearth, roto rooter, dissolve, heal and rewire the most disconnecting, painful, long-standing and entangled of hurt patterns and then move from the fallout and failing to give each other what the relationship needs to thrive in this area, into real, sustainable, sex love and closeness that embodies a tenderness like you’ve never known. Life is too short to not have this precious gift in your partnership. In addition, we develop and embody the resources to forgive and thoroughly rewire this healing balm through the patterns in a way that’s essential and compassionate. Email me if you're interested and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit.
My heart and soul are on fire with walking with couples and those on the relationship journey, very often soulmates, create sustainable and soul satisfying sex, love and closeness with my S.U.B.L.I.M.E. ™ process that blends profound intuition with simplicity, elegance and root trauma clearing technology to regenerate the real knots of the couples journey with ease and joy (yes, it can be delightful.)
Known as The Intimacy Alchemist, and Creator of Soul-Satisfying Love, Sex and Closeness', Joanna turns 30 years & 30,000 hours of counseling practice into a simple system that helps couples bring back the loving they enjoyed as newlyweds… in as little as 2-3 weeks! Combining Non-Linear Movement, The Intimacy & Attraction Workshop, Secure Attachment and extensive Trauma expertise, she offers sessions, workshops, and retreats supporting individuals and couples locally and worldwide.