Launching Lunch

Do you know what you really think of yourself? I thought that I did. I have been at this a long time. I read books, meditate, think positive thoughts receive daily emails containing just such inspiration. Then in an instant one afternoon the startling underlying beliefs popped up out of my subconscious programming and onto the screen of my conscious mind.

I was sitting with my delicious plate of portion controlled HMR lasagna resting happily on my lap. I had work to do so I was eating and reading on the computer. A flash of intuitive foretelling shot through my mind as I snuggled into the chair that said “if you drop this it will be quite the mess”. I ignored that negative Nellie's nag as I thought “will I ever get my mother's cautious ways out of my head?” As if she heard me from above, the plate lifted straight up off my lap and plopped lasagna side down onto not one rug but two rugs, both lovely shades of light green! Time froze. I froze. I launched into a frenzy of activity as I began crying and saying the most horrible things to myself. “When are you ever going to learn?” “Why are you so stupid and careless?” “You don't deserve nice things because you ruin them!” “You should have eaten at the table like a grown up.” “Why an I so incompetent?” The barrage of insults came fast and furious until I saw that the carpet cleaner was working, the nearby furniture was no longer blood stained with tasty tomato sauce and all evidence of the mishap had been wiped cleaned with the exception of how I felt.

Sitting there on the floor staring at the lunch plate piled with fuzz covered food, stained paper towels and my tears, I was stunned by what I really, truly, deeply thought about myself on that all important subconscious level. My work has taught me that 95% of my life is under the direction of this all encompassing file. What did this little experiment the universe gifted me with mean in the big picture of my life.

My conscious mind has the evidence that I do not deserve the weight of those self deprecating slams. Of course I make mistakes, that is human and part of life's ride. I have accepted that there are consequences to actions and that all errors can be corrected for a price in some form.

So why the lingering tapes from childhood when all was black or white. Those statements were my perceptions of myself as compared to adults or perhaps the frustrations of an unaware parent. Why carry around words that harm and sabotage? Resolved-stop pain. How?

I shared this story with my 24 year old son and although he nodded I didn't think he could relate until several hours later he can back upstairs with an astonished look on his face. Although his view of those hidden self esteem bullets was quite different from mine, it was just as loud of a awake call to him.

Examine your life. Notice the small moments when you reveal to yourself the exact spot that is begging for attention and healing. Often it is in those panic, reflexive moments that these hidden bullets are exposed to the light of day allowing your inspection. I am not one to stand still and point the finger of blame outwards settling into a victim posture. I was determined to cuddle that sad, embarrassed little girl growing her up to the current capable 54 year old me. How?

I know that all that was required for powerful quick change was simple a few deletes and additions to the programming from childhood. I also know that meditation quiets my mind and hypnosis talks to that frightened eager-to-please little girl. So I listened to my favorite meditative hypnotherapy download and in the silences spoke my gentle words erasing the harsher immature language. I told that little girl that she is capable. That I am in control now. That I am competent. That I am deserving of things beautiful and special. That I unconditionally love myself in each moment. That I can repair or correct mistakes. That everything in my world is of my creation and that I create or destroy as desired. That I can eat in a recliner, reading a computer screen while balancing lunch on my knees.

How do I know that it worked? I paid attention to my chatter the very next time I was in a moment seemingly out of my control. I listened.

Earlier today I was opening a coffee mug that my daughter brought home from her high school locker full of day old spoiled hot chocolate. As I struggled to unscrew the lid it blew off spraying stinky thick chocolate goo everywhere until it landed a good 6ft away! To my delight, this time I just started laughing – no self talk at all- I was just in that hilarious moment wearing silly chocolate covered glasses, laughing out loud as both my children ran to the kitchen to see what happened.

This week pay attention to those “unconscious” chats you have with yourself. Take note of the tone and temper of your words. When you are in a very relaxed, theta state right those wrongs. Stop replaying an outdated script. Live your authentic life!

Enjoy. Smile. Believe.