Relationships: The Power of Thinking In-Between

When relationships are good they enhance each individual and when they are not good they bring pain and frustration. People are by nature connectors and want to be in relationships. No doubt most of us have been in relationships where we feel comfortable and at ease and also been in other relationships where we have felt stifled, devalued, put down, and ineffectual. The first kind of relationship helps us bring forth our best the latter limits us.

I am going to focus on couple relationships. Here are some basic things to keep in mind on how to think about couple relationships. They are made up of two people who by joining together create a WE. The task in coupling is for each person to take responsibility for personal growth while at the same time putting energy into growing the relationship. That involves thinking of self and the relationship at the same time. It is when people are concerned only about themselves and what they want and lose sight of also working on developing and nurturing their relationship that the “in-between” becomes problematic. I have seen many couples who are relating as married singles. They are focused on their own careers and endeavors and gradually lose the emotional connection they once had between them. When that happens loneliness sets in.

Let’s look at how to strengthen the in–between connection. I think it will be easier if I share as to how one woman introduced change into her relationship. Joyce was very unhappy in her marriage. In the 25 plus years that her husband and she had been together they had gone through some good but mostly rough times. At this point Joyce was not at all sure if she wanted to stay in the marriage. She saw the problem as being his. For years she had been telling him what he needed to do to change and then she was sure she would feel better.

Here are three points that I told Joyce she had to keep in mind:

1.She had choices in how she reacted to him
2.If she kept doing the same thing the result would be the same
3.She had control and could break up the repeating patterns between them

I wanted Joyce to start thinking about the pattern they had established between them. If she wanted the relationship to be different what could she do to impact the relationship? Their difficulties had to do with how they interacted with each other.

The change I suggested was for Joyce to start creating the kind of relationship that she wanted. Initially she kept arguing with me that I did not understand how difficult he was. I had to remind her that if she wanted things to change she had to act differently. If she wanted love she had to show love. This was contrary to how she had been thinking. She wanted him to act lovingly toward her and she began to see that it had been a long time since she had behaved lovingly towards him.

Love is a decision. Joyce saw herself as a loving person with her children, her grandchildren, in her involvement in her church in her generosity towards others. Yet with her husband she had stopped showing this wonderful side. She kept waiting for him to be the change initiator. Joyce began to see that she had to shift from being a reactor to taking charge of what she did. Not an easy thing to do because patterns are hard to break.

Joyce had to practice self control. When her impulse was to lash out at her husband she practiced controlling herself. She did that by not reacting to her feelings until she had a chance to think as to how she wanted to handle this situation. She was clear about her goal. She wanted to see if this marriage could get better because they had such a long history together.

As she learned to calm herself and showed an interest in him he became more cooperative and kinder. Joyce mastered the art of thinking on two levels: about self and the relationship at the same time. She kept being surprised at some of the changes she started to see in her husband. As she treated him with acceptance and respect as time went on she began to get the same back from him. One day she said that she would have never believed that after all these years they could recapture enjoying each other. She added that their relationship felt deeper because they were now relating to each other as adults and savoring life together.

I loved her use of the word savoring. To me this sounds much deeper than saying we are happy because savoring is an acceptance of life that includes being able to deal together with whatever life brings. Many people’s relationships in these tough economic times are being tested. When the respect for each other is strong and the connection of we are in this together is solid those couples will get through these tough times.

The in-between focus puts the responsibility of marital improvement on each individual as to how to be a caring companion. The question to ask is: am I being a love worthy partner? When two people enjoy each other they find ways to rekindle their physical closeness.

Here are five questions for all who are interested in rekindling their relationship.

1.Are you asking yourself what you can contribute to the relationship?
2.Are you behaving in a love worthy way?
3.Are you able to shift from being reactionary to thinking how you want to handle the situation at hand?
4.Are you accepting your partner for who he/she is?
5.Are you adding newness to your life together?

In order to have a healthy vibrant couple relationship it takes thinking in terms of I and WE at the same time. We all have a need to love ourselves and a strong need to connect. Our health and happiness ultimately lie in our relationships.
Love has to be earned. We earn it by how caring we are when we speak, how well we listen, how we go out of our way to help, how we take personal responsibility for being love worthy, how we share our concerns and hold each other accountable. Additionally, relationships need an infusion of newness in order to stay vibrant and love to flourish. What we saw with Joyce was that she changed her attitude and her actions and kept doing it in order to change their relationship system. The in-between in relationships is strengthened by each person taking responsibility for self and by behaving in ways that strengthens the WE they have created together.