Tap into the Magic of Making Up

“There's nothing better than make-up sex,” Joe's friends tell him. Joe and his wife, Elizabeth, had a huge argument a couple of days ago.

He wasn't completely honest about where he'd been and she found out. She became jealous after discovering Joe's lie and accused him of cheating. Joe pointed out that this is exactly why he lied about meeting a female business associate for lunch-- because Elizabeth gets jealous so easily.

He defended that he was just trying to avoid causing Elizabeth worry and was also trying to prevent a big blow up like this one.

The whole thing ended with Elizabeth throwing Joe out of the house...at least for a couple of days while she clears her head. It's been a couple of days since their argument. Joe called Elizabeth and she agreed that he could come home so that they can talk.

Joe is nervous. He knows from past experience that making up after a fight can, at least temporarily, bring them closer together and-- to agree with his friend-- he and Elizabeth do tend to make love more passionately just after they've made up.

However, Joe doesn't know how many more big blow ups their marriage can handle. He wants to make up with Elizabeth in a way that will last and also to figure out how to be close and passionate with one another without having to fight first.

There can be real magic in making up after an argument or disagreement.

You may have experienced this in your own love relationship or marriage. When you and your partner offer and hear heart-felt, sincere apologies, the closeness is keenly felt. It is delicious to feel that re-connection between you and your love after some kind of resolution has been reached.

The real magic, however, is not so much in the “make up” sex or the tender hugs and loving words. The magic is in a reconciliation that helps you, your partner and your relationship actually grow.

It can mean the difference between truly moving closer together as a couple and only temporarily calling a truce on those relationship dynamics that tear you two apart.

Here are some of the potential benefits of making up and how you can open up to them...

A deeper understanding of yourself.
As you think back to the events that led up to the disconnection, disagreement or blow up that happened between you and your partner, you have an opportunity.

You can fixate on everything that your mate did that was “wrong,” “out of line” or “hurtful” or you can acknowledge what you BOTH did.

Let us be clear here...

We're not saying that the fact that your partner lied, put you down, cheated or whatever it is that he or she said or did was okay and that you need to forget about it. What we are encouraging you to do is to be aware of what you did too.

Try to gain a deeper understanding of why you acted or reacted in the ways that you did to the situation. What were you feeling and what were the beliefs that drove you to make the choices you did in the situation?

Try to set aside your judgment about who was “right” and who was “wrong.” Instead, focus in on what motivated you and what your past and current needs are.

It could be that you need more attention, respect, a feeling of connection, information or some form of support. Identify what your specific needs are and how they may have played a role in your choices to act and react in the ways that you did (and possibly continue to do).

The dissolving of relationship walls.
By knowing your needs and better understanding your motivations, you can acknowledge to your partner your share in what happened. When either (and hopefully both) of you own your role in the disconnecting dynamic, the walls and distance between you can dissolve.

The trick here is to take responsibility for your share of the dynamic with honesty and integrity. Don't try to assume “blame” for everything that happened. At the same time, resist the urge to point out all of your partner's habits that seem to you to have led to the situation or argument.

When one or both of you feel attacked and defensive, more walls come up. In much in the same way, when one or both of you are guilt-ridden and trying to assume sole blame, walls and resentment can also form.

None of this will help you and your partner move closer together and reconcile in the way that you want to.

If you feel like your mate is not taking responsibility for his or her share of what happened, be honest about that. You could talk about how you felt when your partner said or did __________ as a way to express your emotions about the choices that your partner made.

“I feel” statements are an effective way to be honest about your experience of what happened (and is possibly still happening) without pushing your version of the story on your mate.

As you and your partner stay in tune with yourselves and speak about what is true for each of you and also express your needs, you can have a sharing and listening breakthrough. You can both feel heard and better understood. You can both feel like your perspective is respected, even if it is different.

This kind of making up requires awareness, patience and persistence. The more you practice communicating in this way, however, the more you will feel the real magic that is possible in a close, connected relationship.