3 Tips to Overcome Divorce Drama and Pain

You're angry. Royally pissed off some, or most, of the time. You were not supposed to be divorced. Especially not at this age - after everything you've been through.

You're knocked on your ass, want to get up and move on but can't. Why? Because you've fallen into the deep divorce drama ditch. And its hard to climb out - especially when you unknowingly keep digging deeper and deeper.

How? For protection, you've hidden your heart away and your head is running amok spewing babblecrap back atcha. There's hurt all around. Hurt people, hurt people. Including themselves.

Since you're not ready to consider your role in tanking your marriage, you're looking to blame others.

He's a rat bastard who only thinks about himself!
She just doesn't understand me!
He doesn't listen to me anymore!
All she cares about is the money!

The list of complaints and harsh criticisms I've heard my clients bitch about is endless. The list I held onto during my own divorce is nearly identical. None of it addresses the real cause of the breakdown. None of it provides any help in rising above and healing a wounded heart.

The noise, intensity and pain is ratcheted up to an even louder volume once the attorneys get involved.

"I know what i think i saw and
what i thought i seen
and what was coming
and what was going
and everything in between
and what i thought i heard you say
and what you really said
and what i thought you thought i thought
was actually in your head

and what you meant to tell me
and what i meant to say
and what i said you said i said
what went the other way

I know what you did to me
and i know what we did
and who did what to who
and who the hell're you trying to kid

I know more you think i know
more than you think about
and know and think you know and think
you got it all figured out

i know i'm missing something
somethings missing here and there
all over and over around
and up and everywhere

- from "Wrap My Head Around That" - Lucinda Williams

Truth is, we have no clue what's really going on inside someone else's head. How often have you expressed your truth instead of your anxiety? For God's sake, be honest! For most people, the answer is hardly ever. There's a good chance you're so disconnected from your truth you forgot what it looks like.

How often have you listened for understanding instead of for argument? When have you listened at all - I mean really listened instead of loading your own clever and brutal retort and getting it ready to fire once your spouse takes a breath.

Its scary to say what you really feel and mean. Often we don't even understand what's going on within us. All we know is we don't like it - and it's the other person's fault. So mean nasty words are exchanged with very little understanding.

The truth is, to communicate effectively you have to be willing to stand naked and raw in your truth. It's hard, I know it. Its hard enough stand alone naked in front of your mirror showing every wrinkle and bump of your outsides. Baring your inner wrinkles and bumps is quite another.

Here's another truth: What makes you vulnerable is what makes you beautiful - when you have the guts, the balls, the moxie to show it.

Instead you say, "you don't care about me'. What's really going on is you expected someone else to take care of your needs even though you haven't communicated them in a way they could be understood. What's underneath 'you don't care about me' is 'I don't care about the real me enough so I need you to care about me."

You scream, "you don't listen to me anymore'. What's really going on is you're not listening to the voice of your true self. You're only tuned into the crap your Inner Critic vomits in your head day in and day out. Forget about expressing your truth, your vulnerability. You're just complaining about bullshit - not about what's really important to you deep down inside.

No one else can make you feel loved, beautiful, whole and understood. That's an inside job. To disconnect from your divorce drama - and pain - you have to do 3 things:

1. Reconnect with and claim your truth. Figure out who you really are and what you really want. I guarantee you, where you create drama and feel pain is where you're disconnected with your true self. And what you really want isn't a new shiny thing - in diamond or human form.

Without judgment look for the truth in your relationship. What was your role in creating the issues and problems that resulted in your divorce? You went through that hell so you might as well go back and get the gifts in the lessons learned.

2. Learn how to express your truth calmly in a way it can be heard and understood. Say what you mean, mean what you say, without being mean. Speak about how you feel instead of just what you think. Specifically, say "When I heard you say (whatever), I felt (how you really felt)".

3. Learn how to maintain your personal boundaries while honoring another's. Make it clear what are your bottom line boundaries. Make sure you understand and make room for your spouse's bottom line boundaries. Not maintaining personal boundaries most likely contributed to your break-up. Define and honor your personal boundaries throughout your divorce and beyond.

For example, if public humility is a deal-breaker let that be known. And honor that agreement yourself. If that boundary is crossed, act accordingly. If you don't you strike a blow at yourself. Distinguish what is a deal breaker and an error. Screwing your sexy best friend and blabbing the news to your inner social circle - deal breaker. Forgetting to call you about the fired gardener - not a deal breaker.

I encourage you to muster up your moxie to be real, be heard and be willing to be vulnerable - no matter what! When you do, you'll know what it means to have a loving relationship with your self - the foundation for a loving relationship with another.

The good news is I'm happily married in a loving relationship with real communication that honors one another's personal boundaries. If I can enjoy such a relationship so can you.