WORKING ALONE ON A RELATIONSHIP
While it is ideal for two partners to mutually agree and be equally motivated that there is a problem to confront, sometimes it is not achievable for both to be involved. One may not be ready to work on it, may not feel adequate talking about it, may have fears about counseling, or unable to make changes. Sometimes one does not see his or her contribution to the difficulty or that there is a problem. Though one person may resist, it does not mean that the relationship is doomed. Like sitting on a seesaw, if one shifts positions, it changes the balance requiring the other to change as well. Working toward a positive balance can be achieved if one person functions differently.
Equalize taking care of self and taking care of the relationship. For example, if one partner is late for social events, the usually scenario results in an argument and resentment. If the more prompt partner honors the value and lets the other meet him/her later, chances are the next time the tardy one will be on time. If an argument becomes eminent, acknowledge the feelings, but also say how important being on time is and follow through with it. It does not mean we reject the partner, but it does mean we act in a healthy and mutually respectful way. A simple act of assertiveness can often break a destructive pattern of mutual dependency.
Identify the role one plays in the relationship and do the opposite. If Jill complains that Jack plays golf all the time and doesn’t have time for her, she could support his choice instead of nagging, could learn to play golf herself, could ask Jack about his day on the course, could buy him some golf-related gifts and/or develop her own interests. She could also say, "You really enjoy golf and I appreciate your dedication to it. I do miss you when you're gone so much. Is there something we can do together during the week?" Because people respond better to support than criticism, it helps to break the old destructive pattern allowing partners to pursue their own needs while giving to each other.
Change all or nothing thinking (“I’m right and you’re wrong”) that creates a no win power struggle and entrenchment. Have empathy for a different point of view and relax the sense of urgency about one’s own views. It does not mean that we abandon our views when we listen and affirm someone else’s, but it does stop the struggle and create opportunities for intimate dialoguing. Reframe problems, take away blame, and enlist support. If one partner spends too much money, talk about how vulnerable the finances are and ask for help managing them.
Though it may seem unfair that one person makes the changes, it is better than staying deadlocked or dissolving completely. Ending relationships before considering alternatives may be a source of regret later. The real test is whether we create the best life we can by balancing the needs of every member of the family. The source of happiness lies within and is derived from physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual strengths. When we are complete within, we are in a strong position to create healthy and thriving relationships.
Contact Pamela Simmons, a Licensed Professional Counselor, at 214-674-8759 or pamela@pamelasimmonscounseling.com.www.pamelasimmonscounseling.com
PAMELA SIMMONS, MA, LPC, LPC-Supervisor
214-674-8759
pamela@pamelasimmonscounseling.com
www.happyspiritcoaching.com
www.pamelasimmonscounseling.com
With both singles and couples, Pamela helps define and enhance the relationship with self in order to attract and create loving joyful partnerships. Her mission is to envelope others in a safety net of self exploration while working together. As a licensed counselor, supervisor, relationship coach, teacher, seminar leader, mom, writer, and partner; she brings humor and humanness to the counseling/coaching relationship. Helping people connect with their best selves is both a passion and a purpose.
Pamela began working with families in the 1970’s by teaching Parent Effectiveness Training and working with teens and families at a local church. She taught high school, community college, and adult and student workshops using creative and innovative ways to enrich lessons and relieve anxiety about learning.
Today, her private counseling/coaching practice and her personal life provide valuable information for a weekly column as well as workshops for therapists, couples, and singles. With a focus on a positive and spiritual psychology approach to living and working, she assists people to move beyond the mundane to the magnificent. She is trained in Conscious Dating for Singles, Conscious Living for Couples, EMDR, ETT, NLP, CBT, Authentic Happiness, and Right Use of Power. She is involved with several professional groups and organizations; participates in yoga, aerobics, tennis; and writes about the richness relationships provide in life.