There are many ways that one can approach having a relationship. There are many systems that can teach you different aspects of healthy relating. But I have found that as a person matures the only relationship that will really support you in attracting the partner you have always wanted is the one you have with yourself.
What this means is that however you are showing up, whatever issues you have not cleared in your life, will show up for you to work on in your relationship. So it really is all about you. Whatever is incomplete within yourself will be magnified or mirrored back to you in some way by your partner.
While you are in the process of waking up to your true nature, being in an intimate relationship is really like being in a self-growth workshop all the time. This doesn’t mean you won’t also have lots of down time. But it does mean that if you are committed to being who you truly are, that this intention will reveal all those parts of yourself that may have been hidden or denied. It has been my experience that everything I have not healed about myself arises at some point in my relationship.
Because of this, at this time in my life I am spending a great deal of time "polishing the diamond that I am," so to speak, even more. I am becoming the kind of woman, person, that the man I desire to attract would want to be with. This means I am working on all the core issues that are still unresolved and that are still running my life. I am one of those people who is truly on a spiritual path and desires to be fully ‘self-realized , or as close as I can get, before being with my true partner. It has never been my dharma to have one relationship after another, so I have consciously chosen to wake up first and then attract my partner. I do this on a daily basis, but not necessarily as a task or assignment. It is just where I am choosing to put my attention.
As I have always been interested in what it takes to really have an “enlightened “relationship I decided to synthesize some of the ideas I have read or listened to over the years. There are many teachers and relationship gurus out there but I found that the following list pretty much sums up what I feel could create an “enlightened partnership." Of course they all take quite a bit of practice and a certain level of consciousness to begin with, but then so does anything you wish to do really well.
Twenty-one Keys to Creating An Enlightened Relationship
1. Live from your own soul and you will be a magnet for someone who does the same thing.
2. Choose a partner who has the same values and who wants the same things you do. This will create more areas where you are in alignment and less where you need to make agreements or compromises.
3. Take 100% responsibility for the relationship you want and for fulfilling your own needs.
4. Become best friends first and you will find that you have a deeper understanding of each other.
5. Drop your agenda and learn how to be non-attached to the form the relationship will take.
6. Be honest and real about a partner and let go of your expectations based on your fantasies.
7. Come to the relationship self-sufficient and whole from within rather than wanting a partner to fill you up and complete you in some way.
8. Expand to include whatever shows up in your relatedness, allowing for changes, different needs and your partner’s process. Then let whatever shows up contribute to your relationship.
9. Create a context for your relationship, a container in which you hold your relationship, and see everything that happens as happening within that.
10. Find a higher purpose that your relationship is committed to besides your being together. This then becomes the glue and allows you to serve a greater purpose.
11. Be willing to become the kind of partner you wish to attract knowing that like attracts like.
12. Treat your partner as the gift that they are and a guest in your home and don’t take them for granted.
13. Allow for autonomy within your relationship. You and your partner will need your own space, friends and time alone.
14. Remember that being in a relationship can be the biggest opportunity to work on all the parts of yourself that have been hiding and rejected by you.
15. Enter into a relationship not based only on what you will receive but on what you have to bring to your partner and the relationship as well.
16. Shift your attention from needing to get satisfaction from your partner’s responsiveness to you to whom you are being in the relationship. How are you responding and handling what shows up and get your satisfaction from that.
17. Always opt for the higher call of love. If you are practicing unconditional love then accept your partner no matter what may be arising and expand your love to include that. Then be willing to work on why you felt bothered or felt the need to reject that quality/behavior your partner was doing.
18. If you want to keep your relationship alive and juicy then be willing to bring more intimacy to it, exploring Sacred Sexuality is one way to do this.
19. Sexual attraction may ebb and flow during the years but if you are willing to be a bit adventurous from time to time, to try new things, to create special dates and spice up your love life, and remember to hold your lovemaking as a sacred act, you will always be able to infuse your sex life with more juice and intimacy.
20, Since communication is the best lubrication both in and out of the bedroom learn how to communicate the language of your partner, to speak manese or womanese. Be willing to really listen to your partner and let them know they have been heard and learn to communicate with love and respect toward each other.
21. Be willing to learn how to become someone who can receive. Be receptive to your partner without the need fix them or take away their process. This may look like listening and being a container for your partner, and tuning into their process rather than just your own.
I hope you have found some of these ideas though provoking if not 'enlightening' and please stay tune to some of my next articles which will take a more in-depth look at a few other models on this same topic.
Luminessa Enjara writes for the Examiner.com and E-zine Articles. She is the founder of The School of Womyn's Mysteries a mystery school for women that explores the power and mystery of a woman's body. She is also a gifted Akashic Record reader and spiritual evolution coach, and offers readings and consultations by phone as wells as other support programs. Luminessa is a speaker and teacher of intuitional metaphysics and meditation and an amazing guide for self-awareness and transformation. She is also a teacher of Sacred Sexuality and has coached both singles and couples throughout the Bay Area.