Learning how to trust after an affair is difficult. After all, if you’re spouse violated your trust, then that really is a big deal. Our relationships are one of the most important things in our lives--especially if you’ve been together for several years. When that trust is violated it can shake your life to a very deep level. It is only natural to be a little apprehensive about trusting your spouse again.
Here are a few things to keep in mind to help you lean how to trust again after an affair:
First, understand that trust takes time. The old saying is true. Trust takes time to build but it can be shattered in an instant. It will take some time and patience to rebuild the trust in your marriage. The trust will start small with simple things, and only after continued effort will it begin to grow and encompass larger and larger things. This is how you’ll rebuild a solid foundation in your marriage.
Second, the way to build trust is with transparency. What is transparency? It’s the commitment to being open and honest with everything that you do in your relationship. It means not hiding anything from your spouse. It means calling your spouse when you’ll be coming home late from work or letting him know when you’re having a night out with the girls.
What’s important is that you remember that transparency is something that both you and your spouse must practice together. There may be an inclination to only make the cheater adhere to it, but when this happens, it becomes more of a punishment. You may feel angry at your spouse, but you must realize that punishing them is not the road that leads to a thriving and happy marriage.
Third, commit to giving all your love to your spouse. I understand that you have been hurt very deeply by your spouse’s affair and wanting to hold part of yourself back is only normal. But also realize that if you continue to do this and hold your spouse at arm’s distance, then you’ll never be able to have the loving marriage you truly want.
As long as you require that your spouse constantly prove himself and his devotion to you over and over again, he will feel the distance between him and you. Over time, this will lead to the two of you drifting apart and either divorcing or living with an unloving marriage.
The solution is to give all your love to him. Yes, he may disappoint you. Heck, he may even hurt you again. But if you don’t hold yourself back and if you can find the courage to offer all of your love to him, then you are opening yourself up to enjoying a truly deep and nourishing relationship. And even if things don’t work out between you and your spouse you’ll be such a loving and honest person that you’ll be sure to find someone who will love you fully and completely.
Why? Because you, yourself love fully and completely.
I understand that learning how to trust after an affair is very difficult, but the answer isn’t to be hesitant and unsure. The answer is to learn to open up and give yourself fully to another person. Being vulnerable isn’t easy and it may feel risky, especially after an affair, but in the long run, isn’t it worth it to enjoy a truly fulfilling and uplifting relationship?
If you're ready to save your marriage and discover how to trust after an affair on a more deeper and committed level, I strongly recommend you check out Dr. Gunzburg's Marriage Sherpa program.
Alex Haight is a relationship writer helping women with relationship problems and specializing in affairs and infidelity.