They say that trust is something that takes time to build, but can be destroyed in an instant. There are countless things you could do to break trust such as keeping secrets or having a full on affair with another person. However, there are a few things that people do in marriages that just make it more difficult to rebuild the trust or that just slowly erode the trust over time.
Keeping Score - Do you or your spouse constantly bring up the past mistakes or failings of the other? This kind of petty score keeping can sometimes be done in a playful way, but more often than not, it is just used as fodder to dredge up during your next argument.
This impedes trust because it makes your partner feel as if you’re secretly keeping score. They feel reluctant to share things like their fear of public restrooms or the fact that they wet the bed until they were 15 with you because they fear that you’ll just be adding that to your arsenal of weapons for your next fight.
Not Listening - Of course, listening is important and I don’t think most people intentionally tune their spouse out. There is, however, a much more subtle way of not listening. This is through multi-tasking while “listening” to your partner. I know that we’re all strapped for time these days, but doing several things at once is not an effective way of getting anything done--especially connecting with your spouse.
When you’re trying to cook dinner, watch TV, or check e-mail while your partner is telling you something important about their day, they will get the impression that they aren’t worth your full attention. As a result, they won’t share as much with you or they will become frustrated that you can’t simply enjoy time with them. This will cause them to disengage from the relationship as well.
Over-promise Under-deliver - Do you always promise you spouse the moon only to deliver a few crumbs of cheese? If you promise your wife a romantic evening, only to come back with a Brian’s Song from the video store and a six pack, then you might be doing this. Or if you vow to clean the house top to bottom, only develop a “mysterious” headache as soon as you get a moment of free time, you are probably doing this as well.
Sure, making big promises may buy you some time or get you off the hook in the moment, but you have to understand that doing so is seriously damaging your relationship in the long run. Over time, your spouse will begin to lose trust in you because you don’t walk your talk. Get out of the habit of making promises you don’t plan on delivering on.
Trust takes time to build. If you’re trying to build trust in your marriage, it’s important that you avoid doing the above three things since they will ultimately slow down or completely stop the growth of trust. Remember, trust grows because of the small, daily things that we do to cultivate a feeling of confidence with another person.
If you want to learn more about how to develop trust in a relationship please check out my Relationship Recovery review.
Alex Haight is a relationship writer helping women with relationship problems and specializing in affairs and infidelity.