A question asked me by a disillusioned young lady I used to work with. A friend of hers had just had a terrible experience and she was looking for some answers. She was clearly disturbed and contemplating the troubling likelihood that someday, the same would happen to her. Even though it wasn’t her who was betrayed, I could feel the pain being conveyed second hand because that’s what cheating does. It causes serious pain.
I’m not sure why she asked me though. Did she think I must’ve cheated on my wife and therefore had insight I could give her that would make sense of her friends pain? Or was it because she trusted me as a friend who could help her simply understand the psyche of us males. I don’t know but I’d like to think it was the latter.
So why do men cheat? It’s a tough one. I didn’t know what to tell this friend of mine. She clearly needed an answer that could justify the actions of this young man in question. I really wanted to give her one. The challenge though is that there are as many reasons as there are men. Each man is different, in different circumstances and social environs.
I did have some common reasons why men cheat that I have come to learn from questioning, reading and observing. I’ll give you what I believe are the core five reasons men cheat.
Men have a need to be respected and acknowledged in order to validate who they are. It’s just the way we’re wired. Accolades and trophies or to be more precise, external rewards are required to boost our self esteem or ego. We need this like air. The more trophies, the better we feel about ourselves. Having a string of affairs with beautiful women is like having a string of Oscars or Grammy’s. History has always praised men who have the sexual virility to conquer and bed more than one woman. Men with low self esteem will cheat to give themselves the approval they so desperately crave. To them, it seems like the logical thing to do.
Men are physiologically designed to need sex. It’s a God designed thing to ensure procreation. Let me just say that again. Men don’t just want sex, men need Sex. Genetically, spiritually and mentally. Our bodies are designed to respond to sex. That’s why we get aroused just by seeing you ladies in those super tight stretch jeans. Our bodies are wired to respond to visual sexual stimuli. It’s a reflex. Like a pregnant woman who needs a craving satisfied or else she’ll make life living hell for everyone around her, so is sex to most men. Men will get cranky, frustrated, and generally quite mad when they don’t get their fix often enough. So basically, they cheat on their partner if they aren’t getting enough of what their body craves. As Chris Rock once said “A man can stop chasing sex but if it falls in his lap…”
This is always a hard sell. Women don’t want to hear this one. Men cheat when they are unhappy in their current relationship. If their women no longer make them happy, don’t pay them any attention sexually(watch those I’m too tired or i got a headache excuses) or belittle them because they are independent women. Most affairs occur when a relationship is flat, shaky, on the rocks wherein women aren’t really feeling the emotional connection that enables them to have sex with their man. As my earlier point showed, men need sex not just want it. This double edged sword will literally force the strongest of men off the edge into the waiting arms of another woman. Ladies, I’m saying sometimes men cheat because you push them to. A hard fact but often the truth.
Here’s another tough pill to swallow. You know the saying, the grass is always greener on the other side? Well, ladies, there is always a better woman than you out there. And out there doesn’t necessarily mean on some internet porn site or off in Latin America. It could be your younger sister, friend, receptionist where you work or even the maid you brought home from the village. The point is, there is always a more beautiful woman, a more busty woman, a more provocative woman, a more…available woman than you. And don’t for one second fool yourself into believing that they wouldn’t love or appreciate or desire your man more than you either. Men without focus cheat because there’s always someone better and if a man has no clarity on what he really wants in a woman, any next woman will be better than the one he has. This is especially true for men who base their choice in women on the size of their breasts or curve of their hips.
Now this one I loathe. History has taught us that men are superior to women and thus can have as many women as they desire. It’s a mark of pride and manhood. Society has always condoned men having affairs even going so far as to glorify them as Playboys or Playa’s. Women on the other hand are ostracized at the first sign of indiscretion. Men have been encouraged to cheat. Before I got married, I was told by every man I came across that I would need a “side dish” to keep my sanity. Everywoman I came across on the other hand told me I was destined to cheat on my wife no matter what I did. I actually came close to believing that I was expected to cheat as a man. Can you believe that? And the sad thing is, it’s a commonly accepted belief that all men have to cheat. That it’s somehow our nature.
So that’s why men cheat. Well mostly. Like I said, there are so many reasons why a man might possibly cheat but I believe they all tie into one of the above core five reasons.
Having said that, I do not condone cheating on ones spouse or committed partner. Yes clearly there are several passable reasons why we might. And yes society seems to be alright with us cheating and our women are being raised to expect us to. It’s still not right.I don’t believe men have to cheat. If that were the case, then the Catholic Church has a lot of explaining to do as to how their clergy men manage all those years with out sex. Men can be faithful to the end. It’s very challenging more so to day given the immoral world we now live in.
I believe a true man is a man of his word, of honor and commitment. A real man chooses one woman and sees her as the only one. A real man smiles in the face of temptation and says, “damn girl, that booty is bangin’ but you got nothing on my wife/partner” even if your partner happens to look like a bat! A real man chooses to make it true for himself.
In the future, maybe I’ll write a post on how I believe one can take precautions to avoid and overcome temptation. I don’t know, what do you think?
Shalom
p.s Interestingly, times have changed so much that with their new found freedom, more and more women are cheating on men now! They have their reasons too however…
Kizito Katawonga is the host & author of the Apprentice blog(www.katawonga.com/blog) and he's passionate about helping men achieve their highest potential as leaders, husbands, fathers and workers. Join me in a discussion and journey to become the best men we can possibly be.