One thing that a lot of people do when they get dumped is to frantically scramble to find some kind of quick fix to the problem. Maybe they’ll apologize profusely to their ex (even though they don’t know what they are apologizing for), getting presents for their ex, or even going to extreme measures like making threats just to get their ex’s attention.
If you do a little bit of research you’ll probably hear advice telling you not to contact your ex for about a month and focus on yourself during that time. Now, this is where most people blow it.
You see, the “no contact rule,” as it is called, actually works quite well. But most people will use it, not as a time for healing, but as a tool to get their ex to miss them or contact them.
This really isn’t productive. You see, if you use this as a tool to get your ex to reach out to you, but you don’t work on yourself, you will still be desperate and emotional when you get back in touch with your ex.
This will just prove to your ex that you haven’t changed at all. They’ll see you as the same emotionally needy person that they have to keep pushing away.
Instead, take the time to work on yourself. I know that the whole notion of self-improvement isn’t very attractive to everyone out there. But trust me, this is the only real way to make lasting change and save your relationship in the long-term.
You see, petty trickery might get your ex back, but if you want them to stick around and not leave you again, you need to create a new and different relationship with them. After all, the first relationship didn’t work out, so why would you want to revive the same relationship (which was flawed)?
Create something new and better. To do this though, you need to start with yourself. You can’t control your ex, but you can control yourself, and you are half of the relationship.
So, what should you do when you’re doing the no contact rule? There is no clear answer to this, but I’d be willing to bet that there are a few things in your life that aren’t quite where you’d like them to be. Maybe you aren’t happy with your job, your fitness, or something else.
Now is a great time to work on those parts of your life. Take some real and tangible actions to move yourself in the right direction. This will help you free up negative emotions and help you break out of a bad funk.
Plus, as a side note, your ex will notice these changes when you get back in touch with them. Even if you don’t completely transform your life, they will be impressed with simple progress toward bettering yourself. So don’t worry if you haven’t quite landed your dream job or lost that spare tire quite yet. Just take pride in the fact that you may have gotten an interview or work out three times a day.
Don’t overlook the power of working on yourself during the no contact phase of the break up. I know you are eager to save your relationship and you might try to rush to the finish line, but trust me, you’ll be much better off in the long run.
If you'd like to learn more about how to make a relationship work please check out my website, where I'll share with you relationship advice and my own personal story from when my boyfriend broke up with me.
Sarah Scott enjoys helping women deal with the conflicts and challenges they experience in relating with men and helping them form successful relationships.