It always saddens me to see how singles who are UNSUCCESSFUL in their relationships sabotage themselves. Being EAGER to have a partner, they often they jump to have a relationship with whoever asks them out. Not only that, but they often tend to stay in the relationship – even though it might not be a satisfying one – until they are being left. Often, after a short while, they jump right into a new relationship, once again with someone who “began” with them.
Due to their eagerness, need for love and fear of being alone (all of which might be related to their low self-esteem), they usually don’t INITIATE a relationship; don’t end one which isn’t good for them; and tend to behave like victims within the relationship.
Unfortunately, as long as they don’t become aware of their issues and de-activate the power they exert over them, they continue “falling in love” and failing in their relationships over and over again.
EXAMPLE: KATE
A week after she ended her relationship with Barry, Karen went to a small movie theater near her home. She sat down and began scanning the crowd coming in, some of them couples, some of them alone. She didn’t like going to the movies alone, but felt that this small movie theater wasn’t like most others. It was cozy, and close to her place. And anyhow, it was better to see a movie than to sit alone at home. She also thought that there was a good chance of finding a new partner from among the people who came there.
On the way out of the movie, a guy going down the stairs struck up a conversation with her. Karen was drawn into the conversation and agreed to go with him to a nearby café. After all, what did she have to do alone at home?
The time flew by during their conversation and he suggested that they meet again the next day. Karen went home happy: She isn’t alone anymore!
EXPLANATION
When you are tempted to get quickly into a relationship with whoever shows interest in you, (and seldom initiate a beginning whether a date or a relationship), it is very likely that you do so in order to ESCAPE being alone, without a partner, as a way to combat your need for love and companionship. You are delighted that someone else initiates, feeling that you are pursued. It makes you feel good especially if it happens right after you have been left by your last partner. You might feel lonely and miserable; “afraid” that no one will ever want you again and that you will stay alone “for ever” (how interesting that these thoughts and feelings are so abundant!). And then - suddenly someone is interested in you; someone is pursuing you! Once again you feel loved, valued and in a relationship!
WHEN YOU ARE BUSY ESCAPING INTO A REALTIONSHIP YOU CAN’T FOCUS ON HAVING A TRULLY HEALTHY AND SATISFYING INTIMACY
The problem is that when you escape into a new relationship out of fears, needs and low self-esteem, you become easy prey for those who make a pass at you. You shouldn’t be surprised to realize that such a relationship usually doesn’t last long, and that once again you find yourself alone, feeling unloved and worthless.
CHOOSING A PARTNER CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAILURE AND SUCCESS
When you get up the courage to become aware what drives you to ESCAPE into relationships rather than choosing them (yet, it takes courage to look inwards and to honestly admit how you sabotage yourself!) you can take the necessary steps to free yourself from such self-sabotaging behavior and become able to cultivate a healthy and satisfying relationship based on a free choice.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships, is the author of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and How to Stop it!” available as eBook and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relations...
Using more than 200 real-life anecdotes Dr. Gil explains how women and men sabotage their relationships, how to become aware of it and empowered to cultivate a successful intimacy.
Dr. Gil has a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant in both the USA and Israel. He has taught classes on Self-Awareness and Relationships to thousands of students, lectured widely on these and related topics at conferences world-wide, gave workshops and trained physicians, managers, school teachers and parents on how to develop Self-Awareness in order to improve their personal and professional relationships.