Self-centered, narcissistic people often achieve great financial success. Yet, I have had several clients who have made many millions of dollars by age forty only to discover that their wife is asking for a surprise divorce. Such people have no clue, saying, “I have given her everything.” One man gave his wife a very expensive diamond necklace. What she had said she wanted was to be invited to lunch. He felt generous and unselfish. She felt ignored and discounted once again by a selfish man who just wanted to impress his friends.
Narcissistic Moms, (and yes, Moms can be narcissists, on the other hand, are consumed with raising perfect, beautiful children that make them look good, like the woman who leaves her infant in the car to die while she gets her nails done. Feelings don’t matter. They praise them in public and rage at them for their imperfections in private. They raise children who feel they can fall from grace at any moment. They are the future narcissists.
Most people view a classic narcissist, either male or female, as selfish. While it is true they act in selfish ways, they actually have little sense of self. Valued in childhood only for looking good, or producing good grades and not being too much trouble, they learn that how someone feels does not matter. Their sense of self is entirely wrapped up in what they look like or achieve. Their lives may be filled with people they support financially, yet they are often lonely. They are full of bluster because they feel so empty.
At the other end of the continuum, I see selfless, passive people who believe that they live only to serve their families. They are so nice, but have no backbone. I see very caring Moms who raise children with eating, substance abuse or cutting disorders. These moms can’t set limits for their own kids or even their abusive spouses. The kids feel desperate because mom can’t protect them if dad goes into a rage. Nor can she set reasonable limits for her kids if they throw a tantrum. When they walk over her, she may get upset but they still get away with whatever they want. Then Mom and kids all feel guilty. Selfless, passive Mom, like the narcissist, has no sense of self.
Often passive Moms see themselves as deeply caring people but feel helpless to effect any change or real influence in their own lives. They keep trying to be nicer and less selfish as their lives get more out of control. In extreme cases, these people will suffer emotional or physical abuse or they will suddenly walk away from their children one day in despair.
Somewhere in the middle between the extremes of narcissism and passivity is a true sense of self. Truly unselfish people can both work hard toward significant life goals and have a solid understanding of the feelings of other people. This includes the guy who can buy his wife a dishwasher for her birthday because he knows that is what she wants. He can then ignore people who tease him for being unromantic.
Psychologists call this a healthy narcissism or a healthy sense of self. A healthy self-centered person believes “I matter enough that I can say no to bullies or any destructive habit because I love myself and my family too much to do that.” They can say a simple no to a request to work on another charity auction that would keep them from their kids. They love themselves enough to say yes to values and goals that really matter to them.
Anyone who can live according to their own values and feel deeply close to friends and family is indeed rich and successful.
Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D., has been a therapist for more than 30 years. She is a board-certified clinical psychologist who has published numerous journal articles and a well-received book. A highly ranked professor who has trained many other marital therapists, she and her husband live in Laguna Beach where they raised their two sons and she maintains her private practice. Her book, Happily Married With Kids: It's Not a Fairy Tale, is a relationship guidebook for parents.