The step from experiencing sexual urges to acting out on them, in my opinion, is still what should be the measure of a man – or a woman, for that matter. Individuals, in fact, are not only governed by their physiological urges, but are molded by powerful cultural, social, emotional, and moral forces that mediate these urges and, optimally help create and maintain a balance between wishes and impulses on the one hand, and the cognitive abilities on the other that help discern what’s appropriate and what’s wrong.
So, while it may be true that some high testosterone people may have more difficulties, at times, in keeping control over their desires, it is also true that a society that is more tolerant of these behaviors may further reduce these people’s motivations to tame and control their impulses through feelings of commitment, honor, responsibility, duty, or via feeling shame and guilt. The ease with which some people justify their actions seems to be associated with a culture of immediate gratification, entitlement, and self absorption.
So, how can men with high sex drive deal with it in healthy ways?
In order to answer this question, we need to look closer at what happens – or doesn’t happen – in their intimate relationships.
It is often difficult, in intimate relationships, for the two partners to have their sexual needs and sex drive match perfectly. Instead, one partner may have a higher sexual drive than the other. Or, their sex drives may have matched for a while, but then something happened to one partner or the other – medical problems, side effects from medication, menopause, or the normal aging process – and this affected the system that was previously in place.
It is uncomfortable, for most couples, to have frank conversations about sex. This may be hard to believe, in an age where sex seems to be more open than it ever was and where people – men and women alike – seem to be less conflicted about it, but it is true. When there is a problem in the sexual area, the resistances to address this topic become even stronger. Unable or unwilling to communicate with one another about sexual matters, partners at times feel isolated. They may have nobody to talk to about these issues, particularly men, who have hard time sharing this kind of personal information.
In this situation, one or the other intimate partner may resort to the use of the internet, sexting, and pornography as ways of channeling his or her frustrations and unmet needs. But once that occurs, a secret gets wedged between them and the conversation that should take place gets pushed aside. The issues may never get addressed, continuing a pattern of poor communication and acting out.
The advice to these couples is: don’t take anything out of the relationship that belongs to the relationship. As difficult and awkward as it may feel, talking about the issues that create discomfort and disconnection give couples a chance to identify the problems and discuss how to approach them TOGETHER.
If you cannot resolve the issues alone, seek professional help. Being with a counselor or a psychotherapist can help you and your partner overcome the difficulties that impeded clear and healthy communication to take place between you two. In this way you will be able to negotiate strategies that are sensitive to what each of you needs.
In a previous blog and in my digital book on infidelity, I discussed the connection between digital technologies and infidelity. This is a subject in which we will return to again in the future, as we continue to explore how the changes that are occurring in technology reflect on the nature and quality of human interactions.
My name is Daniela Roher, I am a psychotherapist trained in Europe and the US and have been in practice for over 30 years. I have studied in Italy (University of Torino), England (Universities of Cambridge and Oxford), and the United States (Wayne State University), thereby achieving a deep understanding of the human mind and psychopathology. My training includes classes and workshops at the Tavistock Institute in London, England and the London Family Institute, as well as at UCLA. I received a postdoctoral certificate in adult psychoanalytic psychotherapy from the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute, and this model continues to deeply influence my approach and work today.