Nice Girl Finishes Last

Dear Dr. Dennis:

I’m hearing a lot about “nice guys” who consider traveling to other countries to meet foreign woman because they feel unappreciated by American women who tend to be more fascinated by “bad boys”, wealthy guys, etc.

Being a “nice girl” I feel stuck in a similar dilemma, in which most of the men I’ve dated seem to mistake my kindness for weakness and seem to simply see me as a piece of meat or an ATM machine before finally leaving me for bitches. Even some of the self-professed nice guys don’t really want to be there for me due to my unique situation and often blame me for having dealt with these men in the first place. My problem? I have 3 kids, (ages 4, 8, and 13) by 3 different fathers who refuse to support them and usually the new guys don’t want to accept me because of my kids, (one of whom is disabled). So I was wondering if I might try a similar route that the so-called nice guys are trying.

Do you think if I travel somewhere to where the cultures and values are different that I might be more appreciated for my kindness? I’ve heard that foreign men tend to treat American women better. Plus I’ve heard that they are far hotter. It also might be an enriching experience for my children. (Italy will be my first stop).

Hello!

This is a great question!

First of all, you're right. Many men in the US and other western countries are not only looking for women in other countries but have actually start boycotting western women! They've even given these girls class-names: "AmFems", "AusFems", "CanFems" and "UkFems" (American, Australian, Canadian and British women). They are fed up with the entitlement mentalities, huge demands and little delivery so many women in these countries bring.

Your situation is (unfortunately) not so unique. It's regrettable for many reasons, but 40% of all children today are being born in single-parent households (read: "single mother").

You bring a number of unique challenges with you to the dating scene. For instance, any guy that starts to date you instantly knows he's on the string for both you AND your kids. Should he wind up in bed with you, he runs the terrible risk of you getting pregnant again and being held accountable for all your kids. After all, it's obvious, you're going to carry - and keep - any additional children you have.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure you're going to find things to be much better in other countries. Your example of Italy? Forget it. They are far, far worse than the men here. In fact, most of the countries throughout Europe are going to be an even greater challenge for you.

When you get outside of Europe, you're going to find that most men don't want a "ready-made" family and only want their own kids to take care of - not someone else's. While it's getting rarer, I'm still finding guys (particularly in Middle Eastern Countries) that actually want to marry virgins! Still others want only girls that are their own religion or race or native-language speakers, etc.

I know I'm painting a bleak picture, but there is some good news here. If you're going to find a guy that is willing to take on the challenges you bring, you're going to have to overwhelm him with benefits. Being a "nice girl" or being "kind" doesn't mean very much to men. On the other hand, being the woman of a guy's dreams does.

This means you need to come to the table with real skills and real benefits you can communicate. For instance, one of the things I ask of the women I date is this: "What do you bring to the table?"

Most western women have never considered that question! It's as though they believe just being female is enough. Yes, that's enough to have sex with her, but it's not enough to actually start dating her; let alone to build a relationship on.

This is where you need to start. You put value on being "kind" and "nice" but does your target market? Actually, only very little. What DOES your target market want then? Do you know? That's specifically where you need to start. You need to build up the skills and to become the woman that the men you want to be with covet. Because of your built-in challenges, you have to work even harder at this than your less-encumbered sisters do. It's not enough to give lip-service to these skills by the way, you'll actually have to have them and be able to use them.

In addition, you need to be able to communicate them. You need to be able to express to some guy you like clearly and specifically what your particular value is. This can't be vague or misdirected. Unfortunately, most guys won't give you the kind of time it takes to "discover" these things.

So, therein lies your solution.

Moving to another country isn't likely to help you. Changing your specific focus - on what you bring to the table - will. Learn your market. Learn what they want and need and then, become that woman to them and be able to express it from the first breath.

Best regards...
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