I was newly single at 40 years old with a 14 year old daughter and 10 year old son. I was way past the crazy social things I did in my early 20’s – past the point of hanging out in clubs, winning burping contests at the Boardy Barn in the Hamptons and going into the city for a wild party until 5 am. I was a single divorced mother trying to put my life back together and open to finding love the second time around.
Thankfully I did have one single friend my age that had never been married, had no kids, had been using Match.com for quite awhile and was ready, willing and able to teach me about dating in the 21st century.
At first I was leery but quickly learned that online dating afforded me the opportunity to pre-screen my potential dates in the comfort of my home, without having to hire a babysitter and in my pajamas….win/win/win.
Honestly I could fill a book with the many interesting dating stories I have but the bottom line is I met my second husband on Match.com. We’ve often joked that we could be in one of the cheesy commercials - met October 2006, married August 2008.
From the online dating experiences of myself, friends and my new husband, I have come up with some online dating guidelines that I’d like to share.
First, this is the most important step that no one ever tells you about – work on yourself first before you look for a soul mate online or anywhere else for that matter. As a life coach I work with people on their goals and dreams, helping them to get clarity and to determine how to get what they want. The most important first step that I suggest to clients looking for a relationship is to make a list of the qualities you are looking for in a mate; once the list is complete, go back over it to make sure YOU either possess those qualities or are working on them yourself. Don’t look for someone to solve your problems like financial security or low self esteem.
The reason I suggest this is that the biggest mistake people make is looking for someone to “complete them”. I needed to learn to feel great about myself first, work on the areas I needed to work on and become the kind of person I’d like to date before I put up a profile on any online dating site because otherwise I might get caught in the trap of looking for outside validation. I needed to figure out who Dawn was at this stage of my life and then really like her.
The next step is to fill out your profile honestly. I stress the “honestly” because my husband and I met many people in person who lied on their online profile. Your profile describes characteristics about yourself such as age, body description, religion, income, etc. It also allows you space to describe yourself in more detail and what you are looking for in a date. Unfortunately, in my experience men lied about their height and age; in my husband’s experience women lied about their body description and age.
My suggestion is to take time describing yourself. Then ask some honest, trustworthy friends to review what you’ve written as well as give you feedback about the type of person they would want you to meet. It’s often interesting to get other people’s perspectives. Upload a recent flattering picture of yourself. Again I stress “recent” because my husband had a few awkward dates where the woman was actually 15+ years older in person than her picture. Make your descriptions thoughtful and succinct then take the leap and post it. You’re on your way!
The next step is the pre-screening process for both men and women. The biggest mistake I made at first was thinking that every single person who wrote to me was “the one”. I learned to view each email with a cautiously optimistic approach and quickly learned what was a deal breaker for me and what caught my attention. From my friend’s personal experience I learned to take time emailing the person to see if there was a connection, then agree to talk on the phone to see if there was a further connection, and then agree to meet in person for coffee or one drink. A brief one-on-one date is best because you’re not trapped at a 2 hour dinner and this allows you enough time to consider a longer second date.
What I needed to feel was some type of connection in regards to sense of humor, intelligence, family values, etc. I wanted to meet someone who was also divorced and had children because I felt it would say a lot about the type of man, husband, father, provider they are. If I felt a connection after the pre-screening process, I agreed to meet in person.
The last step that I found the most important was to lighten up and have fun with the whole thing. I have so many funny stories about people I met and dates that went wrong but I look at all of them as lessons learned. A therapist once told me to look at dating at first as a way to figure out what you DON’T want in a companion. Once I started to have fun with it and get clear about what I didn’t want, what I did want showed up.
My husband wrote a brief message to me initially, commenting on a picture I posted of a recent trip I had taken to Ireland. I looked at his picture (check), I looked at his status “divorced with 2 kids” (check), he was Irish and had been to Ireland (check), I looked at his description which was witty and sincere (check) but he lived much further away from me than I wanted. I decided to write back because I figured the worst that could happen is I get to have a new friend to talk to about Ireland.
I took a chance on a new friendship and what I got instead was a new husband…..since August 2008.
I am a divorce recovery life coach empowering people to use their divorce as a catalyst for an amazing future.