What Matters … To YOU?

I forgot a friend’s birthday this month. A friend that I’ve known for over 20 years.

I really have no excuse, as it just so happens that 7 birthdays of close friends and family fall in the first week of January. So I’m usually prepared for this week and quite aware of each birthday on each day. But this year, I slipped up with her birthday which fell on the Saturday.

So, early on the Sunday morning (my time) I received a text message asking, “Are you OK? Just wondering why you forgot my birthday.”

I felt terrible!

But at the same time also a little in awe at her response.

She was concerned, not angry.

She could’ve been hurt, upset or chosen to sulk with me, but didn’t. Instead her initial reaction was the question “Are you OK?”

Why I particularly noticed this was because I’ve come across the flip side of this situation. I’ve seen someone who received multitudes of Facebook messages, calls and emails on her birthday – choose instead to focus her attention on being angry at the one person who hadn’t contacted her.

Aren’t we funny beings?

It’s a fact that when you’re remembered, you feel important and that you matter. You feel that you’re worth remembering.

To better understand this, ask yourself, ‘When you’ve been forgotten, how do you feel?’

But remember, as always that in every situation you have a choice as to how you behave. Although you may FEEL hurt, THINK they’ve forgotten you – your response to all of this is your CHOICE.

Yes - A conscious choice.

So how do you react when you feel hurt or hard-done-by?

Is it because you feel that others don’t treat you correctly? They don’t treat you as you feel you ‘should be’ treated? Should be treated according to your own standards and expectations.

It’s a natural part of our human existence to have expectations of others. (Remembering friends’ birthdays is one of them). With my coaching clients, this often comes up as one of many self-imposed ‘rules’ for being good.

But once again, as with behavioural choice, how you handle the expectations you place on others says more about you than the actual event or interaction does. For example, the way my friend responded to me says volumes more about her love, compassion, understanding and maturity than it does about my forgetfulness. Or about the fact that I could be considered a ‘bad friend’.

Her first point of call was concern and love. She assumed something had happened instead of engaging in a pity-party with herself. She felt no need to subtly ‘punish’ me. Calling this punishment may strike you as being extreme, but if you’re honest you’ll admit that it’s not an unfamiliar response to feeling hurt.

Humans are for the most part sensitive creatures who feel hurt quite easily. If you’ve taken something on board and feeling hurt, have a look at how your perception of yourself has been quashed. It is natural instinct to want to make yourself feel better.

Feeling like this merely means that you’re allowing someone else’s opinion about who you are to matter more than your own opinion. You’re allowing yourself to believe that you’re (a) unliked (b) unwanted (c) unaccepted (d) not good enough (e) unimportant or (f) anything else that may be relevant to you.

The sad truth however is that being hurt often develops (an oftentimes subconscious) need to retaliate.

Retaliation can range from simple gossiping or sulking to pre-meditated revenge.

Sounds a bit like a playground doesn’t it?

Take this opportunity to have a look at how you behave in circumstances of hurt:

How do you choose to respond?

Is there currently anything that you feel‘hard-done by’?

Does it serve you or can you let it go?

What expectations do you hold regarding how people should treat and think about you?

Where are you choosing to invest your energy and focus? Is it worth it?

Wouldn’t it just be easier to approach things with Love & Compassion as an instinctual response instead of spending so much energy protecting yourself from hurts?

Dr Wayne Dyer often says “What other people think of you is none of your business”.

It’s important to rely on your own self. To build your own trust.

Stephanie Dowrick says that inner trust makes the difference to being happy. Not only trust in what the world can see, but in who you most fundamentally are; a being of intrinsic value.

I’d add onto that and say that inner trust makes all the difference to happiness, success, love, personal freedom and authenticity.

And aren’t these the things that really matter, instead?

Stephanie Dowrick explains further that ‘Building trust from the inside out, self-knowledge frees you from the prison of self-absorption and the pain of constant self-questioning.’

Doesn’t that add value to the childhood saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words (or behaviours) can never hurt me’?

How would you like to change your pre-conditioned playground behaviour and rather build firm foundations based on who you really are – valuing all the parts of yourself?

Give yourself permission to be everything. Even the forgetful part!

And then, miraculously, from that platform your first instinctual reaction to feelings of rejection or hurt becomes love, concern and compassion for others.

Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.

John N Mitchell