It is easy to point the finger elsewhere and say it is the men’s fault. For every man who we say is making a mistake, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Really, since men are not mind readers (though we would like them to be), we have to communicate. Men won’t be making ‘mistakes’ if only women are clear first about what it is they want, and then being clear about asking for what they want. Rather than blame the men for their sexual mistakes, and highlight their faults, it would be much more positive and empowering for the women themselves to be the change they want in their lives, and this including the expression of our sexuality.
Inadequate foreplay
We have all heard that women need a longer time during foreplay but why? One of the reasons why foreplay is important is physiological. The orgasmic response of a woman tends to function on a slower course for women than men. When a woman is aroused, her vagina becomes lubricated and dilated which allows penetration to occur without pain. Foreplay also strengthens the trust and enhances the intimacy.
Staying quiet
Men would do well to make noises in bed too. If he is enjoying himself, he should verbalise it too whether by way of little moan, or even saying something like: “That feels so good” to encourage her.
Pumping away
Pumping in and out of a woman quickly or for long periods of time mean feel good to a man, but most women actually enjoy other kinds of pleasuring such as oral. Men would do well mixing it up a little bit; going fast at times, then slowing down. The quest for sexual pleasuring doesn’t end with his orgasm.
Not porn stars some men mistake what happens in porn as reality. Some expect their lovers to fulfill their every fantasy and get disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Expecting her to act like a porn star or pushing her to do something she is not comfortable with is simply not fair. Making her do all the work
Women tend to be comfortable with giving. It is possible for your guy to become spoilt where it becomes you doing all the work in bed. Sex should not be one sided. Ask for what you want. It is also up to you to initiate: vary the positions, have fun, and take equal shares of the work.
Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com.