Building self-confidence is about looking back at what worked and looking forward to what could work. You have survived an extramarital affair, it may not feel that way right now, but tell yourself enough times that you are a survivor and you will start to believe it. This is what is known as self-affirmation. It is what is practiced when you replaced negative thoughts with positive ones.
Several times good advice has been, do not make decisions until you are ready; only you can be the judge of when you are ready, an indication that you are ready is when you stop seeing yourself as a failure. You did not fail, and your marriage has not failed, not yet, not unless you want it to. Remember past successes, and there will be many, and decide if you failed then. Remind yourself that you are more than capable of succeeding, that you have done it before, and now, after the affair, you are still you and can succeed again.
Trust yourself
You may still be struggling to trust your husband again, and frankly that will take time, you will continue to wonder, “Is he cheating on me?” for some time yet, but it should not become an obsessive thought. If you are able to trust yourself again, your instincts, your judgment; then you will know if he is once more having an extramarital affair, because you will trust yourself to know. Visualization exercises can help with re-establishing the necessary self-belief, but you must allocate time for this. Sit somewhere quiet and remember your past successes, close your eyes, see the success, feel how it felt, and what you did to make it happen. Take note of the small details here, it is often the small things you did that ensured success, and those details can make all the difference. Be proud of yourself, this was you, the woman who succeeded, and when you open your eyes, tell yourself you are still that strong woman after the affair, it has not taken your strength, you can do it again!
Look forward
An extramarital affair does not mean your life is over, it may have felt like that at the beginning, but to move forward means letting go of those negative thoughts. There are lessons to be learned, for both of you, and if you want to rebuild your marriage, you have that power. You have to see that possibility to make it happen, and again the visualization techniques can help. Firstly, however, you need to decide what a successful marriage means to you. Let go of what others think, remember, this is your life, and decide what you are truly after. The affair may well have brought you clarity, you may decide your future does not involve your husband, then you have other difficult steps to take, but you must trust you have the strength to take them. Visualize what success means, how it feels, and apply that to your marriage. Decide on the small steps first, the ones where success is immediate, and draw up a plan. Seeing your positive forward looking plan is a great support for the months ahead. You can listen to others advice, but this is your life, your decision, your potential success, not theirs.
There is life after the affair, to help rebuild it, and claim a FREE e book, see the resources at http://www.surviveinfidelityhq.com full of advice and somewhere to talk to others who have suffered what you are going through. Tammy has experienced infidelity, and this website is her response and way to make sense of it all. Join her there; take your first steps on your healing journey.