Uh. Yes, no, maybe so. This question terrifies many a new mom in our size-obsessed society. Some dads are anxious as well. Many a new mom can't have sex simply bcause she feels she isn't thin enough to have sex. "I can't bear to have sex because I can see the wrinkles in my tummy." There is nothing as discouraging as stepping on the scales after pushing a watermelon out between your legs and finding you haven't lost a pound! But breast-feeding and nine months may do the trick.
Jumping up and down to take care of a baby burns more calories than most Americans do in their sedentary jobs. However, when either of you allows the new baby to completely disrupt your previous exercise routines, you will risk gaining weight.
I won't presume to give you diet advice. Too much has already been written on the subject. Remember, no one can make anyone lose weight. There are helpful and unhelpful ways to respond. My clients offered these suggestions:
- Do not ever use the word fat. Fat is one of those loaded words that people can say about themselves but no one else can. I can call myself fat. You can't.
- Do not comment on my weight even if I complain about it constantly.
- If you want me to lose weight, spend time with me taking walks rather than making drinking and eating our only fun time.
- Do not make cookies, ice cream or other "treats" a reward.
- Regular sex is a form of exercise that burns calories. Seduce me with talk and massages.
- Support my efforts to go to the gym or walking with friends either financially or by offering to do chores so that I can go.
- Go on a diet with me and we can both eat healthy. Stick to the diet.
- Arrange some childcare and time to walk with me.
- Clean up the dishes after dinner so I don't eat the extra food off the kids' plates.
- If I gain weight, comment that I look down or a little unhappy (not fat!). Ask if there is some way you can help.
- Ignore my weight and tell me I have beautiful eyes, skin, or hair.
- If I lose weight, tell me I look fabulous and that you love to see me so happy.
Note: If I obsess constantly about my weight and eat candy alone like an alcoholic or take medication to lose weight, I am probably really suffering and I need therapy. High sugar food and white bread can be an addiction just like alcohol.
One clever, loving husband, whose wife drove them both crazy with weight worries, told her in front of me in therapy that it never stopped him from wanting sex. She blushed and soon lost weight gradually on her own. Great answer. Take note.
Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D. has been a therapist for more than thirty years, conducting workshops for couples with children. She is a board-certified clinical psychologist and a Professor Emerita of psychology at California State Fullerton, where she has trained many other marital therapists over the years. In addition she has published numerous journal articles and a highly rated book, Happily Married With Kids.