According to Barbara D’Angelis, author of the best book I know to finding the ideal partner, “Are You the One For Me”, an age difference of more than eleven years is a “time bomb”. This means that everything may start out rosy, but sooner or later there is bound to be a blow-up –a major conflict of interest because of the difference in ages.
When I read the advertisements for singles, I often wondered about the motivation behind someone’s proposed ideal match. Here’s a recent example of a common request - an older man wants a younger woman – 20years younger in fact!
Walter, 48, professional businessman with three children (living with him part-time) seeks woman, aged 28-35 with a happy attitude to life and who loves children.
You’ve got to wonder if Walter has tickets on himself! Does he really think a younger woman would go for him because of his sex appeal? It’s more likely that if the younger woman went into relationship with Walter, it would undoubtedly be because she was after his money/lifestyle and protection.
If he dies, let’s hope that he leaves her with enough financial substance to take care of the children well and continue the style of living to which she has become accustomed.
She’ll probably be committed to continue to support her own children, but why would she want to share her hard earned money with his kids -those terrible teenagers who likely made her life hell when she first went to live with them as “the stepmother”.
So what about his expectation that the younger woman will look after him, look up to him and cause him no trouble? Many older men seek a younger woman because her youth and good looks stroke his ego in public and make him feel younger. The man also expects that the younger woman will respect his status and achievements, be dependent on him and basically be compliant and do what he says.
The actuality is that the younger woman certainly may make you look good in public but not be good at home. The older man is going to get a totally unexpected shock when he discovers that this young woman actually turns out to have a temper and refuses to cook his meals and wash his undies. She demands a cleaning lady who comes at least three days a week and a live-in Nanny for the kids. Her life-style costs him a fortune.
So what’s the solution? The older man should want the realistic, rather than the ideal fantasy. He is much better off with an older woman who shares his values. Sure, she may not be able to have any more children, but she can give really worthwhile support to his growing teenagers when they most need it. Then when children are gone, the matched couple can relax into their “Indian Summer” of life and truly enjoy it together without obligation to anyone.
Dr. Janet Hall is a psychologist, hypnotherapist, sex therapist, author, professional speaker, trainer, and media consultant. Jan consults regularly with print media and is a frequent guest on talk-back radio and current affairs shows.
Jan was a regular for two years on the Sex Life television program in Australia. Her user-friendly strategies offer practical solutions to sexual and relationship issues so that you can have the love and the sensational sex that you deserve. Jan has a unique ability to encourage people to clarify their situation and solve their own problems with both heart (trusting intuition and feelings) and head (with logical analysis and rational prioritization). She believes that people deserve to feel empowered and allow themselves to be the best they can for the good of all. Jan has a happy knack of making psychology user friendly.
Dr Janet Hall