Habitual Self-Sabotage
Hi Dr. Neder!
Whenever I might meet a woman and things look good, like we're talking pleasantly, (and this is right at the first or second meeting) all of a sudden I start to feel "self-conscious". I can explain exactly what I mean by this: it is the exact same feeling I imagine I would have had if, when I was about 13 and masturbating in my room late at night, and someone would have peeked through my curtains and seen me.
I become utterly wrapped up (in my thinking) that this casual encounter, with it's casual talk is OBVIOUSLY sexual, and also it's OBVIOUSLY sexual to any casual bystander, whether that might be someone near us who is shopping in the same store, or whoever.
This has grown now to the point where I cannot relax and continue the conversation in a casual manner. I might think in my head, "Oh, I should just say to her right now, 'Hey, you wanna go screw?'" I’m not at all relaxed, and I get all pent up with anxiety.
Help!
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Hello!
This probably isn't as tough a problem as you think it is. What's actually going on is that you've been spending time (probably years) actually practicing and reinforcing this behavior. It probably started by happening once or twice, then you started getting fretful about it (believing it was coming on again) and added additional weight and emotion to it which gave it more importance. Thus, your mind continues to bring it forward every time.
Actually, the solution isn't really that tough. There are just a few things you need to practice to get over all of this. If you're consistent, this will not only go away, but will actually enhance your skills with women! Here are the steps:
1) Relax! Don't make this problem any bigger than it really is. It probably seems huge right now, but it's not. You're going to get it solved once and for all, so don't give it any more worth in your mind than it's really due (which is almost nothing)
2) Start to believe that you're going to get over it. See yourself (in your mind) as having complete confidence with women and being completely calm and relaxed while you're talking to them. That thing that used to happen is now a distant memory.
3) When you feel like this feeling is starting to come on, "reframe" that energy into something else. Simply redirect it into being excited to actually score with this woman instead of feeling embarrassed. You'll need to practice this in your mind over and over again. Try to sit in a comfortable, quiet place and just walk through it in your mind. Imagine looking at the woman through your own eyes, talking with her, having her laugh at your jokes, etc. Then, imagine that feeling of self-consciousness coming on.
Really try to experience it just as you would when talking to a woman. Then, at the instant that you get the feeling, turn it around into powerful confidence! Imagine smiling at her slightly like you know you're going to score and even saying to her "Wow - it's so obvious that you're turned on by me!" These are powerful images and you're effectively reframing one bad practice into a new one! Do this over and over again until it seems like second nature. You really need to practice this. For much more on reframing check out my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" - it goes into this and many other concepts about power and confidence in great detail.
4) Since this usually happens after you've talked to a woman for a while, you might be able to use some negative reinforcement. Here's how this works: carry a rubber band around with you at all times. Never allow yourself to be without it in your pocket. When you're talking to a woman (or in fact, at any time you have these thoughts), excuse yourself and hit the bathroom. Take that rubber band out of your pocket and for just an instant, relive the negative thought. The instant you feel it, stretch the rubber band between your thumb and first finger, place this against your front thigh, pull it back and give yourself a painful pop with it! This is the punishment phase of the exercise.
Next, reframe that thought into something more powerful and confident. Actually imagine going back to this woman with a new attitude and talking to her without this burden. Then, while you're living that good, positive feeling, rub the pain out of your leg. This is the positive reinforcement phase of the exercise.
5) Finally, if you find that any of this isn't working for you, you might be mildly obsessed with this negative image and might need to visit a therapist (psychologist or hypnotherapist) in order to get help with this reframe. If so, and you're in the Los Angeles area, let me know and I'll refer you to someone I trust.
These tools will really work for you if you practice them consistently. You don't have to live like this anymore - go get it solved!
Best regards...
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Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder is a well-known expert in the fields of dating, sex and relationships. He is the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and others. With 26 years of success in the worlds of business, dating, and relationships, sales and marketing, psychology, and over 20 years of research give Dr. Neder a unique perspective on men’s relationships with women. In addition to starting and building a number of successful businesses, he has also held positions on numerous boards, commissions and committees, is a commissioner for the County of Los Angeles, and has proven his dating and relationship techniques in the toughest market – Southern California. Now, his experience can be yours! For much more, see: http://www.beingaman.com or you can write to him at: dwneder@beingaman.com.