During my divorce I was involved in a car accident. Fortunately no one was injured. The only other accident I have ever been involved in was shortly before my wedding. We are all more likely to have accidents, to be sick or to have other negative events happen to us during a divorce or shortly after the death of a spouse. I can just hear what you are thinking. Haven’t I already got enough bad stuff in my life right now? I don’t need anything else going wrong.
Breaking up is hard to do. You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. You may feel anger, sadness, fear, hurt, relief, overwhelmed, betrayal, like a failure, numb or a hundred other things. You are a time in your life when you most likely need to make decisions about your children, your finances, your career, where you are going to live and lots of other things when you are already feeling overwhelmed. No wonder accidents and illness are more likely to happen when we are going through a divorce, a major break up or the death of a loved one.
You’re also vulnerable. You might be tempted into a relationship or drinking or sex just to ease your pain. (Be wary of STD’s and Herpes. It's better to be safe than sorry.) Or you might be tempted to go the other extreme and decide never to date again or to trust or get close to another person again. The pain can feel intolerable. You may really feel that your heart is broken.
Yes, you will get through this. The support of friends, a divorce recovery group, family and maybe even a therapist can be crucial. For a few people the feelings are so extreme that they may feel suicidal or homicidal. Please get help immediately. You will get through this. Life on the other side of divorce can be better. Even if you can’t see it now or don’t believe it, divorce can be a springboard for a better life than you have ever had before.
Get enough rest, eat healthy, exercise, contact friends, cry, join a support group, laugh, keep busy, try new activities, see a counselor, be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Plan something small to look forward to each day. Remember it’s ok to ask for help.
Going through the stages of grieving allows you to heal and to be able to open your heart again. Find the help you need to heal you heart. Do it for yourself and do it for your children? Learn to move out of sadness, to become empowered instead of victimized by your anger and to use your fear as an ally instead of an enemy. You have already been hurt enough by the divorce; you don’t need it to ruin the rest of your life.
Healing your heart takes courage. The results are well worth the effort. Bitterness is not a by product of divorce unless you allow it. You are in control of your healing. Not your ex or your finances or anyone else.
Whether you divorce is in process or happened over 20 years ago it is not too late to heal your heart and to move on. Take a risk, open your heart. You’re worth it.
Barnes’ diverse background includes a seminary degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pastoral Counseling and a license as a Mental Health Counselor providing a foundation for her extensive experience and training in marriage counseling.
Barnes has taught divorce recovery programs for six years and has written numerous articles on relationships and divorce as well as given a variety of talks and led workshops on divorce and relationships.
With a focus is on relationships, both personal and professional, Ms. Barnes is considered a gentle, compassionate listener who assists individuals, couples and families in finding practical solutions. She helps people develop their own strengths and find greater possibilities and options for their lives. For more information go to: http://www.lifeoptions.us