He brings you candy and flowers and wants to spend all of his time with you. You find him flattering when he becomes upset when you go out with friends and family without him. He wants constant reassuring that your devotion is to him and nobody else. He begins to monitor your phone calls, emails, and spies on you when you are out with friends. He begins to express anger when you divert your attention to someone other than him. He starts to set rules and act in ways that limit your contact with others.
The possessor/dominator personality is similar to the charmer/attacker in that each demonstrates the ability to love and respect in the initial stages of the relationship. In fact, each makes a concerted effort to find out all about the values and opinions of the other person and demonstrates very romantic acts of love in the initial stage of the relationship. Where they differ is the level of intensity that is put into a relationship. The possessor/dominator wants their significant other to be their quick fix or addictive substance. This is not to say that the charmer/attacker does not show this quality; however, this usually does not surface until he is on the verge of losing the relationship. The possessor/dominator also shows less confidence and tends to blend in or isolate from others.
The possessor/dominator came from a similar childhood environment as the charmer/attacker. He was not validated as a child and suffered emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse. He, like the charmer/attacker, may have turned to illicit drugs and alcohol to manage his extreme feelings of hurt, sadness, and emptiness. He found solace in his fantasies of what a relationship should be. He identified with moral relative themes of love and romance through books and movies. His insecurities and low self-esteem contributed to his tendency to hold on tightly to anyone that validated his thoughts, feelings and behavior. This person usually identifies with persons and age groups that make him feel accepted and appreciated. He will experience strong feelings for a person that shows him attention and makes him feel secure and safe.
The possessor/dominator sees people as possessions and security. He does not want to spend time away from a person that he finds comforting and reassuring. He freely demonstrates acts of love, but shows little to no respect for his relationship partner. He only wants to hear opinions and values that match his agenda for having total dominance of the person’s time and affection. The possessor/dominator will attempt to manipulate and dominate by providing gifts and intense affection. He will expect that the intensity is reciprocated and begin to place restrictions on the partner’s behavior and activities in attempts to force their reciprocation. When his relationship partner apposes him, he may become verbally, physically, and even sexually assaultive. He will make attempts to regain the affection of his relationship partner but will continue to revert to forceful tactics to control and dominate his partner. His acts can become more violent as he loses control of the relationship.
For the possessor/dominator to move to a healthier state, he must develop his ability to respect the thoughts, feelings, and unique qualities of his relationship partner. He will need to let go of his strong hold on his partner’s activities and behavior. In order to be able to do this, he must begin to address his own insecurities and fears. For the possessor/dominator, he finds little to no comfort in social situations. He lacks many of the social interaction skills that are developed in the early developmental stages of life. This keeps him very self-centered and egocentric. He needs to be able to look rationally at his own life and ways he was hurt through his childhood. By developing an understanding on how he was dominated and hurt, he can begin to see objectively how he has carried on similar patterns of behavior. By using the criteria of love, respect, and honesty to his past and present behaviors, he can start to evaluate and recognize the hurt he and others have caused.
The possessor/dominator should refrain from intimacy until he develops an understanding of his behavior and engages in behavior and activities to increase his self-worth. The biggest misconception that he possesses in his belief that others will bring about an increase in his esteem. As mentioned throughout this book, a person becomes more irrational as he expects others to show acts of love and respect prior to reciprocating. This places conditions from the start on the relationship. This also reinforces the insecurities and fears of the person as he waits for love and respect to come knocking at their door. The possessor/dominator needs to demonstrate acts of love and respect without having the expectation of reciprocation. He also needs to perform these positive virtues without attempts to develop an intimate relationship. He also needs to understand what events, behaviors, and messages trigger his need to possess and dominate. He must allow others to have choices in how they want to live their life without taking this as a personal assault on him. He will need to develop the social skills of cooperation, active listening, validation, and acceptance.
If the possessor/dominator is attracted to young children, he must enact safeguards to prevent any form of sexual activity. This may mean that he will never go alone to any activity or event that involves children. He may need to ensure that a trusted adult accompany him to places in a community. Most of all, he must be honest about his attraction to children. Many pedophiles continue to spend a majority of their time with children and engage in children activities. They give into their urges and fantasies about children and justify their sexual activity as acts of love. Since their actions of dominance and manipulation result in sexual acts that do not involve physical threats or force, pedophiles justify their acts as love. As mentioned, there are scholars that endorse pedophilia as positive and beneficial to children.
The possessor/dominator must develop his ability to be honest with himself. If he contends to not performing a wrongful act, why does he keep his actions secret? If he knows that there are laws against his actions, he must begin to demonstrate respect for societal laws for social conduct. He, like the charmer/attacker must start to evaluate the consequences of his behavior. If self-preservation stops him from hurting others, he will at least have a starting point to making changes to a healthier state.
Jay Krunszyinsky is a Psychiatric Rehabilitation Counselor and Abuse Investigator for the state of Pennsylvania. His core approach to moral issues is broadly that described as 'virtue ethics,' that is, consideration of the chief virtues which contribute to a fulfilled and purposed life. Krunszyinsky holds a master's degree in counseling from Indiana University of Pennsylvania and has worked for numerous human service agencies, counseling families, children, adolescents and adults. Visit his website at Relationship Repair