Loving Yourself First

Today I want to share with you letters I read in Essence magazine – written to and from Iyanla Vanzant -

DEAR IYANLA,
At 46 I've got three kids and four grandchildren. I also have three ex-husbands. Looking back, I realize I wasn't in love with any of these men. After my third divorce, many self-help books and some therapy, I now live by the motto, To thine own self be true. When I meet a new man, I review my list of qualities I'd like in a mate: Is he honest? Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Is he spiritual? Loyal? A good provider? I'm not interested in looks or money, but in where he's coming from. I don't have time to waste, and I don't want to grow old alone. What can I do to attract the love I desire and deserve?
BELOVED,
It is possible that, like many sisters, you are putting too much energy into not being alone. I suspect you went into three relationships running from what you did not want, rather than claiming and creating what you desired. In the process, you may have fueled your fears--and proved them right. Whether you told yourself, I'll never experience love, or wondered. Will I ever experience love? your words may have locked you in to the very thing you desperately wanted to avoid. This is the easiest part of your dilemma to correct: Speak words of faith, not fear!
However, other issues you bring up will require deeper healing: It is bad medicine for a woman to pursue a man with a list of credentials in her head. Yes, you should have expectations. But rather than an ink-and-paper list, create a vision that keeps you clear about what you want to experience in a relationship and what you are willing to give. Even though you may have a picture of the attributes you desire in a mate, when you meet a new man, these do not become the topic of dinner conversation. Never measure a man based on what he says. Open your heart, and observe your inner responses to him and his outer responses to you. When something is right for you, your heart will let you know. If, however, your internal landscape is littered with land mines of fear, doubt and specifications, no brother will measure up. Expectations always equal results.
The other challenge I see is that you expect to find love in a relationship. This, too, is bad medicine. Relationships are not the breeding ground of love. They are experiences that allow us to share the love we have within. In other words, lowing yourself is the key to experiencing love with another person. What will attract your mate is the level and quality of love you exude to the world. Love is a state of being. It's not a reward for being a good girl or for becoming spiritually adept. Love is who and what you are, whether or not you have a mate.
I encourage you to put your search on hold and take some time to grow into the experience of your own love. It may be time for you to give yourself all the things you are looking for in a relationship: Spend time with you. Have long, endearing conversations with yourself. Send yourself cards and love letters. Get dressed in your finest, compliment yourself, and take yourself for a night on the town. Affirm and encourage yourself daily. As you begin to love, cherish and adore yourself, the universe will multiply your energy. In that process, men who love themselves will be attracted to your loving energy. In the meantime, I will hold you in the light of love. Be blessed!
I’d like to urge you all to consider that whatever it is you think you want -- What you REALLY want are QUALITIES OF BEING - I refer to them as GOD qualities. We think we want something outside ourselves, when really we are longing to experience the qualities we actually already possess. Some of those qualities are Abundance, Balance, Beauty, Freedom, Joy, Love, Order, Peace, Power, Unity, Wholeness and Wisdom.