Picking the right divorce attorney is a critical decision. Divorce lawyers are your guides through the legal system. They are your teachers about your legal rights and obligations. At a time when you’re not in your peak decision-making form, you have many important questions to answer when you’re finding a divorce attorney. Should you get a shark who can duke it out in court? If you and your ex feel you can separate amicably, do you even need a lawyer? If you’re already separated, will you ever need your lawyer again? What do you need to know about working with them effectively?
I am not a lawyer myself, but I have definitely been a client. In my divorce I was in the legal system off and on for almost three years, including almost a year of mediating my separation agreement. Here are some important things to bear in mind when you’re working with a divorce lawyer.
You Are the Quarterback
While lawyers are a part of your divorce team, you must be the quarterback. It’s like when you are renovating a home. You can hire an architect, a designer, a contractor and a painter who all have their expertise to bring. But ultimately, you’re the one who has to wake up in the morning and live in the house. Your lawyer may have a lot of answers for you, but you need to be the ultimate decision-maker and call the shots.
Most Lawyers Are Trained as Gladiators
The legal system is adversarial and pits one party against the other. Many lawyers are trained with the “us vs. them” mindset. Particularly if you have children together, you’ll need to consider how you can have a long-term, hopefully cooperative, relationship with your former partner long after the case is over. Make sure that your lawyer understands your long-term goals as well.
Trust your Gut
Pay attention to your own intuition when selecting a lawyer. Does the lawyer speak English or legalese? How well does the lawyer listen? How about answering the question you actually asked? Can you trust him? Will the lawyer be available to answer your calls in a timely way? What is the lawyer’s track record of going to court or not? Is she a family law specialist? You’re entrusting your lawyer with so much, it’s important the lawyer values you as a person, not just as another file.
Think Outside the Box
There are options for working out the details of your divorce other than going to court. Think outside the courtroom box and consider divorce mediation or collaborative law. In divorce mediation, you work with a trained mediator who acts as a neutral third party to negotiate details of your agreement with you. In a collaborative arrangement, both lawyers work side-by-side with their clients to create agreement. Other related professionals, like financial planners, divorce coaches or therapists and parenting advocate can be part of the collaborative team. The intention upfront of all parties is to settle the divorce out of court. In fact, both lawyers must sign an agreement that if they are not able to reach an agreement, they cannot represent their clients in any future court proceedings. Instead of their incentive being to drag the process out, collaborative lawyers have an incentive to reach agreement.
Carolyn B. Ellis is the Founder of Thrive After Divorce, Inc. A Harvard University graduate, Carolyn is a Certified Master Integrative Coach™, Teleclass Leader and the first Canadian to be certified as a Spiritual Divorce Coach. She has also served as a Staff Coach at the Institute for Integrative Coaching at John F. Kennedy University in San Francisco, CA, and has been trained personally by its founder, NY Times best-selling author Debbie Ford. She is author of The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce available at www.7pitfalls.com/. She is a member of Collaborative Practice Toronto. Her three amazing school age children and bouncy labradoodle dog are her daily sources of inspiration and joy.