After a relationship ends, whether it’s a 20 year marriage or a promising romance, women ask themselves over and over, what went wrong? They ask themselves, their girlfriends and their therapists. Sometimes they even spend weeks and months...
After a relationship ends, whether it’s a 20 year marriage or a promising romance, women ask themselves over and over, what went wrong? They ask themselves, their girlfriends and their therapists. Sometimes they even spend weeks and months blaming themselves and become afraid to try again. Once they know what really happened, it’s always easier to move on.
Below are some top reasons men leave and some guidelines on how to handle this.
1. They’re Waiting For The Perfect Partner
Some men have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, around the corner, waiting for him. This perfect partner will not only accept him as he is fully, but he’ll finally be able to express the parts of himself that are hidden. She’ll bring out the best in him. Rather than criticize and make demands, the perfect partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his every need. This fantasy should not be discounted, as it fuels much of this man's inner life. When a woman understands this fantasy fully, she has a secret for helping the man really thrive.
2. They Hear A Call To Adventure
As soon as some men see a relationship as stifling his basic need for adventure, he can feel himself to be trapped in a prison without bars. Many men then blame the relationship for the dilemma he is in. They do not realize that their true need is to find adventure in the relationship. A woman who does best in this kind of relationship is one who provides challenge.
2.They Suffer From A Fear Of Commitment
The fear of commitment is widely misunderstood. Commitment is inevitable when a man is living from the truth of who he is. When a man, however, is in a relationship out of obligation, guilt, on or to fulfill a false sense of self-esteem, no real commitment is possible. If he’s not committing, it’s because he doesn’t feel things are right for him.
3. They Fear That They Can’t Satisfy The Woman
There are some women who can never be satisfied no matter how much a man gives or tries to please. Some men become tied up in knots in these relationships and start to feel terrible about themselves. No matter how hard they try, they can’t get the approval they are hungry for. Some just live for those rare moments when they are acknowledged and thanked.
4. He’s Acting Out The Repetition Compulsion
The Repetition Compulsion is the unconscious compulsion to repeat a painful situation or relationship over and over, in the hopes it will turn out differently this time. Usually each time is worse, brings more pain and disappointment. Even in the rare instances when the person gets what he wants, the original hunger does not subside. The only solution to this compulsion is to go back to the original trauma, face it fully and work it out.
5. He’s Involved With The Ghost Of A Past Relationship
These Ghosts are memories, dreams and longings that linger from past relationships, which have been finished but are not over. A man can hold onto the memory of a former wife or lover and idealize her to such an extent, it prevents him from being available to anyone in the present. These memories can also become projected on the current relationship. These men must learn to say forgive the past, say good-bye, and develop the courage to love again.
Here are some Touchstones, (guidelines) for both women and men to help understand relationships better and behave in a way that is helpful for all.
Exercise: Touchstones For Women
a. Realize the turbulence a man goes through often has nothing to do with you - and cannot be avoided.
b. Give him space to discover himself, without guilt. His changes do not mean he does not love you. Allow him to be all that he is. Acceptance is love.
c. Get busy becoming all the person you can be too. There is nothing worse for a relationship than a man feeling you are clinging to him for your life.
Exercise: Touchstones For Men
a. Restlessness and painful feelings come so you can understand yourself better. Don’t blame them on the relationship. This is not a time to run away, but stay put and understands what is going on inside.
b. While you are unsettled and confused is not the best time to act. Choices made during this time are often ruled by feelings and needs from the past.
c. Make sure you help the woman realize what you are going through. Do not blame her for it. Be patient with her and yourself.
d. Understand that craving other women can become an addiction and escape from intimacy, bringing only more pain and repetition in its wake.
Hear men tell you in their own words why they left their relationships, and what makes a relationship really work in Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. new book Why Men Leave
She's an award winning author published in 18 languages, speaker and divorce mediator. She provides new information and guidelines daily at htt://www.therapist-in-nyc.com