Have you ever met someone who seems to have fantastic, supportive relationships at work? How do they create such thriving and fulfilling relationships with coworkers? Are great relationships based on a skill you can learn? New research has discovered a key element which helps relationships ...Have you ever met someone who seems to have fantastic, supportive relationships at work? How do they create such thriving and fulfilling relationships with coworkers? Are great relationships based on a skill you can learn? New research has discovered a key element which helps relationships thrive. This article provides valuable insight into how to transform halfhearted relationships into flourishing ones. All it takes is a little awareness of how you respond to the good news of coworkers.
Let’s assume you have someone coming up to you with great news…smiling from ear to ear, your peer tells you that she’s been promoted...your boss jubilantly tells you he is taking a job with a better salary at a company across town...an excited coworker in sales just closed a massive deal.
How you respond to the upbeat news of others has a considerable effect, not only on the quality of your relationships, but also on your individual mood as well. So, stop, and think about it for a moment.
In general, how do you react when other people share happy events with you? If you are like most folks, you probably respond in one of four ways to others’ good news.
1. An enthusiastic reaction such as “Hey! That is fantastic! That’s about the best news I’ve heard all day! I know there will be more great news coming from you. Congratulations! You’ve earned it.” This encouraging type of reaction is called the active-constructive response.
2. There is a more subdued reaction where you may feel somewhat happy for the other person, and you share your mild happiness without saying much. For example, upon hearing a coworker’s life-changing good news, you might reply, “Oh, that’s great, bud.” So your words are positive, but the feeling behind the words is only mildly affirmative. This is known as the passive-constructive response.
3. Or, upon hearing another’s good fortune, you point out some of the potential pitfalls or negatives within the good event. For instance, when you hear of a coworker’s recent promotion, you might say, “Wow, I hope you can handle all that extra responsibility. Does this mean you will have to work extra hours?” This is referred to as the active-destructive response as such responses actively deflate the happiness of the other party.
4. Or, you might respond with disinterest and not respond to the good news at all. Most folks do this by merely changing the subject. For example, upon learning of the coworker’s recent sale, you may respond, “That’s fine. What do you think about the weather outside?” This is known as the passive-destructive response because it takes away from the happiness of the other person in a passive manner.
The first type of response, the active-constructive one, is called “capitalizing.” Here is the amazing part – studies show that capitalizing amplifies the pleasure of the good event and creates an upward spiral of good feelings. Capitalizing is critical for positive, supportive, thriving relationships.
So I’ll put the question to you again. How do you respond to good news of coworkers? Are you a “capitalizer” who creates upward spirals of positive emotions? Or do you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the good news of others?
The consequences of learning how to be more of a “capitalizer” are impressive and robust. People who describe themselves as having a significant relationship where the other person is active and constructive in response to their good news are:
• More committed to maintaining the relationship
• More willing to help out the other person
• Happier and more productive
So the next time your coworker comes in with exciting news, do yourself a favor -- get excited and pumped up with them. It will benefit both of you.
Gable, S. L., Reis, H.T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E.R. (2004). “What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, August 87, 2, 228-245.
John Schinnerer, Ph.D. is in private practice helping clients learn anger management, stress management and the latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. He also helps guys discover happier, more meaningful lives via positive psychology. His offices are in Danville, California 94526. He graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in educational psychology. He has been an executive, speaker and anger management coach for over 18 years. John is Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches men to happiness and success using the latest in positive psychology. He hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a daily prime time radio show, in the SF Bay Area. His areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to anger management, to coaching men. He wrote the award-winning, Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought, which is available on Amazon. His blog, Shrunken Mind, was recognized as one of the top 3 in positive psychology on the web. His new anger management site, WebAngerManagement.com offers the latest in online video-based anger management courses.