“It is a beast, this thing that stirs in the core of my being, but it is also the star of my innermost nature. I have to care for this suffering with extreme reverence so that, in my fear and anger at the beast, I do not overlook the star.” – Thomas Moore
I think it’s a natural, normal human reaction to want to deny anything scary, dark or beastly. Perhaps if we just close our eyes tightly enough, that mean monster will simply go away. Perhaps if we only focus on “the light, the good, the angels, and God,” this venomous evil lurking in the basement of our souls will simply vanish. I have learned that this is simply childish fantasy wishing. It is also a denial of Self that can split us in two.
It takes courage to stand up and face the dragons within. It takes even more courage to feel the negative emotions that beast has been carrying for however many years. And then, if there is any courage left (and there always will be), it takes another enormous dose of courage to admit that that beast is part of YOU.
Many years ago, I was horrified at what was living within me and at having to admit that I had a lower self that was raging at being locked up and denied for so long. This beast within was unfeeling, cold, spiteful, hostile, deceitful, hateful, manipulating, shaming, weak, cruel, black, stagnant, withholding, separate, hurtful, mean, rigid, untrusting, isolated, un-giving, hard, disconnected, unforgiving, suspicious, blocked, vindictive, shallow, impatient, untruthful, fearful, sneaky, spineless, destructive, and a big time victim.
Who in their right mind would ever want to open that door?! Who in their right mind would ever want to own that about themselves?! Who would actually live through it?!
Well, I did! My physical body felt like it had been through the biggest war of it’s life. For all the years “the beast” was being denied, I could never quite figure out why I felt so bad, despite the opposite face I presented to the world. And yet, that opposite face, the bright, positive, optimistic, and joyful side of myself was also part of me. It was the huge split inside myself that was causing the trouble. While I presented the “good” parts of me to the world, it was my lower self that continued to run the show. No amount of love, light, or God consciousness was going to change the way I created in my world because what I didn’t realize was that love, light, and God consciousness could only be found in acceptance of the dark, acceptance of ALL THAT IS.
While I was going through this process of feeling the negative emotions of my dark side, I truly felt that I was nothing. I think this desperate feeling came as a result of accepting and then finally letting go of this negative energy that I had been carrying around with me all these years which left me feeling lost and alone. It felt like a death of part of myself that I had been so negatively intimate with all my life. And yet, it is in this state of nothingness, once recovered from the shock and sadness of accepting this side of ourselves that we can create from the unlimited potential and possibilities of the nothingness.
During this time, I was divinely guided to pick up and read Thomas Moore’s book, Care of the Soul. This was like a soothing balm to the raging battle that was going on within and brought such understanding and clarity. In his book, Moore talks about how we reach a time when the lower self is strong enough to risk and trust the Universal Life Force to carry it with movement and motion, and how it becomes willing to let go and be carried. Denying my dark self inactivated an essential part of my energies and creative forces that then stagnated. From stagnation, putrefaction follows because matter putrefies when it stagnates, when it can no longer move. The same is true of consciousness.
Another comfort that I found to be soothing during this time was a prayer I wrote out from Care of the Soul and tailored it for me. It reads as follows:
Dear God, I will no longer take cover and hide from my darkness. I commit to go through it with your hand in mine. I commit totally to you, the Ultimate Creator, to the truth and willingly let go of the old accustomed shore that I have been desperately clinging to. My greatest longing and desire is to change my destructive ways, but my ego cannot do it. You God, will do it through me. I commit this day onward and forevermore to make myself a willing, receptive channel for this to happen not only for myself, but for others who seek my guidance. Please show me the way that I may live in peace, love, beauty, and joy. Amen.
What I came to learn during this process was the incredible magnitude of my manifesting power. Only trouble was, I had been using my destructive ego powers to manifest. It was all my choice, though deeply subconscious. Manifesting using destructive ego power is something we choose, it is not something that befalls us, and we tend to choose it because we have denied this part of ourselves which gives it way more power to be in charge. To become aware and conscious of ALL that we are leads us to wholeness.
Denying our lower self, or anything for that matter, gives it an enormous amount of negative energy and power. Our souls are nourished by the truth, and any rejection of the self (which is mostly rejection of the child within) does nothing in moving us towards care of the soul. As Thomas Moore so eloquently writes, “That child who is eternally present in our thoughts and dreams may be full of weakness and faults, but that is who we are. We are who we are as much because of our gaps and failures as because of our strengths. To embrace the inner child may threaten the adult who values information above wonder, entertainment above play, and intelligence above ignorance. If we were to really care for the child, we would have to face our own lower natures – our indomitable emotions, our insane desires, and the vast range of our incapacity.”
While I understood that a significant transformational process was taking place within, and I no longer felt split in two, I did feel like I’d been hit by a truck! In all honesty, I was exhausted and tired of transforming. I didn’t want to do any more. All I wanted was my villa in Tuscany, my organic vineyard, garden and olive trees, loads of sunshine, sprawling hillsides, gorgeous flowers, and to be surrounded by people I love, doing the work that I love, and connected to myself and others with the kind of emotional intimacy I could only find in my dreams back then. What I did learn in the end was to start manifesting using my constructive, whole, creative, genius power! And during the rough spots, I also learned to take gentle walks in nature, get lots of rest, take long, soothing baths, and give myself plenty of self appreciation….in other words….I took great care of my soul.
Heather Fraser copyright 2008
Heather Fraser is a writer in Ontario, Canada who has come to understand the meaning of her life as an expression of the sacred and the soul of everyday living. For more information you can visit her website at www.sacredscribe.com