Framing Your Message

In a difficult conversation when I want to get my point across, I create alignment with my conflict partner through listening and learning what's important to him, what he's really going for, and how what I'm offering might fit with his goals. By giving my partner the freedom to deliver his ideas (see my article on "The Power of Not Knowing"), he is more open to receiving mine. Now that I have his attention, I frame my message so that it is more likely to be heard. For example:

1. Look for one thing you can agree with.
For example, don't start with, "You are really out of line, or "you don't know what you're talking about." Rather: "John, you've obviously put a lot of thought into this. I like what you said about ... " Be sincere. You're not manipulating, you're stepping into another human being's shoes. And a real interest in "What makes this person tick?" will accomplishes much more than "How can I get this person to do what I want?".

2. Change your thinking from getting your point across to offering information that may be of value. The listener is more likely to receive your offer favorably if it helps him achieve his goals, look good, or save face. For example, "John, from what you're saying, you believe you're doing a good job and living up to the requirements of the job description. I have a slightly different take on it. As I see it, you put a lot of thought into certain aspects of your work, and I have some ideas about how you can advance in your career by making a few simple changes."

3. Educate, don't sell, blame, or accuse. Teach your partner what things look like from your perspective. When an employee, student, or loved one acts contrary to expectations, respectfully describe the feelings that ensued or the resulting impact. Assume the person has positive intent, and try to help him to live up to that assumption. When you accuse, blame or manipulate, your partner becomes defensive and stops listening.

4. Communicate your hopes and goals. When you're disappointed, let others in on your expectations. For example, "When you said you would have the spreadsheet ready Tuesday, I took you at your word. My hope is that we all recognize the importance of deadlines on a project as time sensitive as this one. Can you tell me what happened and what we can do to remedy the situation?"

Do You Want to Win or Solve the Problem?
In the end, you may find that "getting your point across" is language that presumes a contest of wills and that there are more efficient ways to achieve your objective. You are less likely to create defensiveness in the listener when you disclose your thinking, acknowledge his, maintain respect, and establish consequences.