Have you ever found yourself judging someone else for his or her behaviors? Who hasn't? Being judgmental is being human. We are taught from an early age not to be judgmental but I've yet to meet anyone who has mastered their thinking to that degree.
Since our minds are "meaning-making machines" and are great at making judgments, why not give yourself a break and know that you are, and will always be, judgmental?
Given that being judgmental is a natural part of life, there is something you can do to free yourself from the pain and suffering that typically happen when you think that someone should be different than they are but they never change.
While you cannot be in control of how your mind thinks (and since you can never be in control of what others say and do), you can be in full control of what you do with your thoughts. Feelings arise from choosing to believe a thought. Once you decide to believe a thought is true, you then get to experience the direct result of that belief – either pain or joy.
Byron Katie and Emily Bouchard
If you are experiencing emotional pain, chances are you have a thought related to the pain. Once you determine the thought, you can play with it by inquiring. Here's how: First, ask yourself whether or not the thought is true. Then ask yourself what you get to feel and experience when you believe it is true. Next, explore how you'd be different if you didn't have that thought. Finally, try on some other thoughts and see how they make you feel instead.
I offer this tool of inquiry from a place of understanding and compassion for the pain I have felt, and that I know other's feel, when negative thoughts take root. This exercise is about weeding the garden of your thoughts and only choosing to give your attention and energy to the flowering thoughts that bring you satisfaction and joy. Root out and free your inner garden of the thoughts that cause you pain and suffering. The way to "weed" your garden of thoughts is with the "weed killer" of inquiry.
Action Step: Take some time to explore your inner garden and notice if there are any weeds that need tending! Instead of allowing negative thoughts and judgments to take root and hold you and your family hostage, take responsibility to use the "weed killer" of inquiry to stop them from keeping you happy.
Resources: For a better understanding of this technique, I recommend the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie. You can also learn more about The Work by visiting the foundation’s website at: www.thework.org
You can also visit http://www.blendedfamilyexperts.com/byron-katie/ and hear Katie doing The Work with members of the StepHeroes Community.
To get coaching on how to use this technique in your own life, contact now for an introductory coaching session.
Emily Bouchard knows that blending two step-families is one of the most challenging things you'll ever attempt! Learn the secrets most step parents will never know about how to successfully blend two families. Give her a half hour of your time a week and this blended family guru will give you useful tips and recommend valuable books and products on a wide range of step-parenting topics, from what to do when you hate your step-kids to conquering conflict in your home. Sign up right now for StepHeroes, Emily's FREE online step parenting tips newsletter.