"A woman who I was dating and who I really liked ended our relationship and is dating someone else. I see her all the time at the market and I feel like yelling at her."
"I keep vowing not to, but I keep getting really angry at my husband when he is distant."
"I lost my temper with my assistant and now she is suing me. I just couldn't seem to help getting furious when people mess up."
If this is like you, do you know why you continue act this way, even when your angry behavior generally doesn't work and may end up creating more problems for you? Do you know what is going on for you when you attack and blame? Below are some of the reasons. See if you identity with any of them:
While sometimes you might be able to intimidate or guilt a person into doing what you want, you can NEVER have control over how a person thinks and feels. At some point, even if a person complies out of fear or guilt, it may backfire on you.
The problem is that true power comes from power over self, not power over others. While having control over another might feel good in the moment, since true self-esteem comes from power within, controlling behavior over others never ultimately leads to feeling safe or secure. In fact, it leads to more fear and insecurity when others respond by distancing themselves from you, or resenting you, or resisting you, or rejecting you and leaving you.
The problem is that getting angry and blaming are forms of self-abandonment. While you might believe that it is others, situations, events, or the past that are creating your pain, it is the fact that you are ignoring your feelings rather than taking responsibility for them that is actually causing your painful feelings. Until you learn how to take responsibility for your feelings, you might continue to cover them up with your anger and blame.
As long as you believe that your painful feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt or shame are caused by something outside yourself, rather than from your own thoughts and actions, you will see yourself as a victim and have a need to try to control others. As long as you avoid responsibility for learning your manage your feelings of loneliness, heartache, sorrow, grief and helplessness over others, you will try to cover these feelings up with your addiction to anger and blame.
Learning to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is the key to moving beyond anger and blame. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way to learn responsibility for your feelings.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!
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