Does your partner complain that you are not a good lover? Do you want to improve your lovemaking technique? If you want to make your partner purr with pleasure, you must:
1. Learn what your partner enjoys. Just because you read about a great technique in an article or book doesn’t mean that it’s something your partner is going to like. You can ask your partner for feedback during or after lovemaking to see what they liked best about your approach.
2. Remember what pleases your partner. Once you have feedback, stick it into your “sexual Rolodex” (or your favorite mental memory device) and use it again in the future. For example, if your partner goes crazy when you use your nails lightly on their inner thighs, definitely try that again when you’re in bed next time.
3. Drop your inhibitions. When you hold back because you’re afraid of making a mistake or trying something new, you make your partner nervous, too. Then you feel their nervousness, and it just adds to your inhibitions. Stop the cycle. Whatever you want to do, try it! If it doesn’t please your partner, don’t get defensive, just listen and remember (see #2, above).
4. Try different types of touch. Has your partner ever complained that your touch is too heavy or too light? Or boring and repetitive? Try using one finger, your thumb, the back of your hand, your nails. Bring in some soft fabric, fur, or a feather to try, too.
5. Watch your partner’s responses. If you’re doing something your partner likes, your partner’s facial expression should change to one of interest, excitement, pleasure, or even bliss. Your partner may moan, groan, or sigh. If your partner’s facial expression is flat or they are silent, change it up. And if your partner doesn’t give you this kind of feedback, encourage them to do so.
6. Engage all your senses during lovemaking. Your partner’s body is a marvelous feast spread before you. Let your partner know how good they look, smell, feel, and taste. When you approach your partner on all these levels, it’s simply irresistible.
It isn’t difficult to be a great lover. You just need to be willing to try things, keeping the techniques that turn your lover on and discarding the ones that turn them off. As always, that means good verbal—and nonverbal—communication. Repeat as needed (or wanted).
Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a nationally recognized psychologist, sex therapist, author, and speaker, and Director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, CA. And if you want to learn more techniques for great lovemaking, you can download the free ebook Sexual Discoveries at yourpassionexpert.com.