See I have these adoption yahoo’s who sit at a table in my head and when I get tired, run down or just having a plain old bad day - they start to chatter like squirrels in an argument over nuts. No, it is not schizophrenia – thank you very much. It is more like a bunch of people arguing their point; who I have affectionately named: Rejection, Abandonment, and Sabotage, Unworthy, Confused, Identity, and Betrayed.
Usually Abandonment and Rejection lead the meeting by creating negative situations or scenarios within my mind. Then Sabotage takes a hold of those feelings and runs wild with it, while Unworthy and Betrayed press and encourage their point. Confused and Identity are more on the quiet side because they really don’t know who they are, so it’s hard for them to speak up.
If I am really exhausted they are very annoying and very loud! People driving next to me must think I am totally crazy, because in order for me to stop the ciaos in my mind I have to scream out for them to Shut Up! and get out of my head. Then as they quiet like scolded kids in a time out…I tell them, “thank you for your input, it no longer serves me and I will now replace you with kinder, gentler thoughts.” Like: Love, Forgiveness, Understanding, Compassion, Faith, Inspiration, and Kindness.
For years I was haunted by difficult thought patterns. Until I became aware of why they are and what triggers these specific emotions. My boyfriend can tell me he doesn’t want chicken for dinner and it can set my mind reeling. “He doesn’t love me, he’s going to break up with me, I’m a horrible cook, and he’s going to leave me because he doesn’t want chicken tonight.”
Everything I felt in my cellular abyss would come out in my intimate relationships. When the relationship ended, instead of moving on, I would feel so abandoned and rejected, I would go to thoughts of suicide and on a couple occasions try.
Not to mention, I would attract the same guy over and over. The one who couldn’t love me, the one who cheated and lied, the one who didn’t love himself and projected his stuff on me = all of them where mirror images of just how much I didn’t love myself or value who I truly was. Enabling me to play the victim in every relationship.
See, within these crazy adoption issues is a vicious circle. How do I value myself when I don’t know who I am? How can I love myself when the person who is suppose to love me the most gives me away? The response you most often hear is: “They did it out of love,” or “they made the ultimate sacrifice and wanted a better life for you.” And when you are a person, like me, who at the age of three was told what a pretty little girl I was…I replied with, “...no I’m not, I’m adopted...” Therefore, the “ultimate sacrifice” and “out of love” thing isn’t going to fly. So, my teenage years were tough…and my young adulthood even tougher.
And without going into how I played the victim most of my life and searched for my sense of self, what I know for sure is thus: Creating a foundation to build your life on is all choice and faith. If I wake up in the morning and decide I’m going to have a bad day, then my life will reflect it. If I wake up each morning grateful to be alive and in the graces of God, then my life will reflect it. If I want to make my life better by just talking about it...it ain’t going to happen. If I want to make my life better and take action – my life will soar because I decided to create movement and healing.
Sometimes I feel like I have to fight a little harder than most because of this unruly committee. Daily, I work the affirmations, I constantly stay optimistic, I’ve learned to let go [A LOT]…knowing if the conscious feelings and the subconscious feelings don’t match…the Law of Attraction just ain’t going to work…ya know? I’m a work in progress…I have learned to become aware through trial and error. I’ve learned to live in compassion instead of fear. I’ve learned wisdom to overcome obstacles I created. I’ve learned to listen and become aware of my emotions and feelings and what is being triggered. It’s a full time job dude!
Nonetheless, I refuse to live in constant ciaos…constant victim hood. Robbing myself of a happy life because somewhere deep inside there is a dark and lonely glob of goo that doesn’t want success, happiness, love and affection. To constantly put into motion a seed of self discovery and change.
I’m sure I will be plagued with some sort of mind freak stuff…I’m human, who doesn’t have doubts and concerns and lions and tigers and bears – OH MY…? The secret is mind over matter. To watch word patterns – thought patterns – taking action in your own life.
Life doesn’t have me….I have life!
Rock on!
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Trish Lay is a Professional Life/Leadership Coach. For more information visit her website at: www.SoulsAtPlayProductions.com. Or contact her directly at: TrishLay@gmail.com
Trish Lay has been coaching and motivating people to make changes in their lives for over 20 years. She has written several articles on harmony through conflict and finding your authentic self and has an on-line presence to inspire others to grab their dreams and lead a fulfilled life.
Adopted into a family in Denver, Colorado, Trish spent her life curious to why she is here. Being adopted, there was always the question of "Who am I?" As she got older it turned into "What is life’s purpose for me?" Struggling to find a meaning to her life, she encountered numerous relationships that challenged her self worth and motivation to feel like she fit in. She moved to Los Angeles to do stand up comedy and acting where she thought her passion lied. For several years she worked behind the scenes for top talent agencies and decided it was too destructive to the human psyche and took a leap of faith and walked out of the Entertainment Industry.
Trish’s unique approach to her coaching draws from her many life experiences. With her extensive background in spiritual psychology and human behavior and her 20+ years of experience working with high-level executives of major corporations, she has combined these multi-faceted disciplines that directly affect a person’s lifestyle and transformed these skills into a creative and powerful coaching style. She utilizes her personal passion as a public speaker regarding Adoption issues and has facilitated several Adoption related assemblies. Currently, her interest is with promoting a LEADERSHIP PROGRAM for Teens to take into schools helping young adults be accountable, gain confidence and awareness of their own personal power through integrity, faith and laughter. Giving Teens the support and encouragement they need to leap out of the comfortable and into the uncomfortable. To believe in possibilities and to LIVE BEYOND YOURSELF!!!
Currently involved with New Life Coach, Inc. - a non-profit Christian organization dedicated to helping those who can’t afford expensive life coaching sessions, Trish lends her time to those who truly want to create movement and change in their life to find a way out of their emotionally challenging or undesirable situation into a life much greater than they imagined. newlifecoachinc.org
The Alliance for Children’s Rights help children who are living in foster care, children with learning disabilities, children who need medical treatment or public benefits, and children in need of legal guardianship or adoption. Trish serves as a Mentor assisting youth as they transition or “age out” of the foster care system and are not prepared for the challenges of adulthood. Her ambition is to inspire and motivate change for a more positive and greater outcome of their life. kids-alliance.org
Trish has survived her life because of her specific talents and gifts: a sense of humor and the ability to truly listen to others and respond with sincere simple intelligence, inner wisdom, a great awareness of compassion and divine guidance by a power greater than anything any one person could ever try to explain.