We often find ourselves in a relationship because we are attracted and like being around another person. It usually is a very organic and spontaneous energetic thrill, but more often than not, once the hormones and newness of the relationship have ended, we find ourselves struggling with our new significant other. Maybe he or she says something that pushes your buttons after a long day at work or he or she forgets to do the dishes like they promised. Whatever the cause, you find yourself questioning the relationship and the person you “fell” for.
This feeling of unsatisfaction is completely normal. We need to embrace these moments. They help us grow in our relationships with people not just our significant others. We need to look within in these moments and tap into our anger and sadness. Sometimes, the true cause of our anger is not our partner’s action but something much deeper rooted in our past. If we do not stop to look at these feelings and go deeper within, we miss out on a huge opportunity to learn more about ourselves and our partner. Relationships are mirrors for us, which we must constantly look at to grow from. Our partner presents that opportunity for us. The challenge is to be able to look at the mirror in a neutral way without our past baggage.
What we seem to fail to understand is that we all come into a relationship with different pairs of lenses. These lenses skew our reality and the mirror in front of us, because they carry all our past relationships, history with our family, culture and all the traumas and triumphs of our lives. We each come to the plate with a lot of ideas of what and how we should be in a relationship. More often than not, your significant other has had a completely different experience than yours. Hence, it is the blind leading the blind literally. From this perspective, it is a miracle that any relationship is able to last at all.
In order to be in a successful relationship with your partner, it will require work from both of you, if you are not ready to work at a relationship, then perhaps you are not ready to be in one. The work begins by you. It is important that you look within and see your lenses, recognize your healthy and poor habits in a relationship. Encourage your partner to do the same and talk about it. It is important that you do not take anything personally. All our actions, especially in a relationship with someone we are sexually active with are extremely loaded with anchors and triggers of our past hurts. We are naturally going to be protective of ourselves and sometimes even defensive. We need to move away from the negativity of our past, and be open to new ideas and new ways of being with our partner.
So, the next time your partner frustrates you, and does something hurtful, make sure you:
1.Take a moment and tap into the feeling you are feeling. Do not allow the feeling to control you. Embrace the emotion
2.Take a deep breath and ask yourself: Why am I really feeling ______.
3.Think of times you have felt this before. I.e. maybe you were made to feel this way before in the past or in your childhood.
4.See your partner without your lenses for a moment as a human being doing the best he/she can in this moment. A human being who is connected to you and cares about you deeply.
5.Now, communicate to your partner what you are feeling. Make sure to come from a safe and positive space so they don’t get defensive. i.e. “You know when you didn’t do the dishes I felt ____________.”
6.Allow him/her to work with you on letting go of this feeling. * Once you speak the emotion, it no longer controls you, you can let it go.
7.Visualize the feeling leaving your body floating away- allow balance back inside
8.Talk with your partner on ways he/she can support you when you feel this way.
9.Identify actions with your partner that may trigger this feeling again and work with your partner to avoid these actions when possible.
Important Note:
Now, let me be clear, you never want to stay in an abusive relationship, no matter what the history with your partner; there is no excuse for physical and emotional abuse. People who abuse are not ready to be in a relationship, they have not looked at their lenses. They don’t know how to be in a relationship, they only know how to dominate and control. If you are constantly feeling angry or sad in a relationship then there may be deeper issues here that need to be explored by a professional.
Since 2003, Kamjah has been successfully working with people to unlock personal brilliance and acquire new perspectives that lead to positive life changing realizations. Before dawning the name of "Kamjah", Geoffrey Schmidt and his work had notably been featured in: The Miami Herald, The Sun Sentinel, The New York Times and Newsweek. Visit his blog on relationships at kamjah.com/blog