The Art of Negotiation - Getting to the Yes

How often have you needed help but were afraid to ask for it because you were afraid of hearing that dreaded word "NO"? Do you think this fear had any influence on you reaching your goals or your level of personal success? What if you believed that there was a "yes" hidden beneath every "no", what could you ask for than? Read on to discover where to find that hidden "yes" so you can stop going it alone and move powerfully forward.

If someone was watching you over the course of a typical day, how many times would they notice you struggling to do something by yourself when you could easily have asked for help? How often would they find that you gave up something you wanted when you could have just asked for it?

Why does this happen? Is it that you're not comfortable requesting help from others or for what you want?

A pretty normal reason why people don't ask for help or what they want is because they're scared of hearing "no". How much better would your important relationships be--intimate, family or work--if you no longer hid from hearing no?

Now go even further and think about what would happen if you never heard "no" again. Wow! Wouldn't life be very different?

The easiest way to avoid hearing no is to keep doing exactly what you are doing now, never ask anyone for anything unless you're absolutely convinced they're going to say yes. But don't you think life is a bit limited by that approach? And you might be thinking to yourself, "Hey, there is always some chance of hearing "no" each time you ask someone for anything?

Here's a secret, and it isn't really a secret at all!

Never hearing "no" starts by understanding that you never really hear what people are actually saying.

Never!

You only hear what your brain tells you they've said.

Have We Got Your Attention?

Research has found that the words people use only account for 10% to 20% of the meaning that is intended. Another 20% to 30% is conveyed by voice through intonation, pitch, pacing, etc. of the voice. The majority of the meaning is communicated through facial expression and body language.

On the receiving end you then add in your perspective, opinions, the circumstances, and the way your brain interprets all these factors, and you begin to have the whole picture of what happens when you "hear" what someone says to you.

Out of all the factors that may impact the accuracy of what you think you hear, your interpretation is most suspect. The more reactive you are to hearing certain things the more your negative core beliefs and habitual interpretations are likely to cause you to misunderstand the other person's intended meaning.

So the natural conclusion is that you never "hear" what somebody is actually saying, you only "hear" how your brain has interpreted their words.

Getting Closer to the Hidden "Yes"

The problem with accurately interpreting the word "no" is that it gives almost no information to the listener. "No" does convey that a person wants something different than what you've requested, but without any explanation about what they do want instead.

We believe this makes "no" the most emotionally charged word in the language. It gives so little information that our brain usually fills in the blanks with the worst possible story we can think of. And this can lead to some pretty nasty situations if we're attached to hearing "yes" as their answer.

But think about it, whenever a person says "no" to something you've requested, that only means that something else--unknown to us in the moment--that would work better for them.

"No" simply means that they prefer a different strategy than the one we requested. A strategy they believe is more likely to get them what they value or what they need.

Uncovering The Hidden "Yes"

So it follows that when someone says "no" to what you have requested, they are actually saying "yes" to something that they prefer, but in the moment they're not letting you know what they are saying "yes" to.

This is where negotiation comes in. Negotiation is all about creating alignment in the areas of values and strategies. It's important to create alignment in these areas in that order-- values then strategies.

Imagine replacing the word "no" in your mind with the phrase, "I might, but we need to talk about it first." So since "no" is no longer a part of your vocabulary, you will naturally begin to seek out what's important to them that they need to talk about--their unexpressed values and strategies that they prefer in relation to your request.

After understand what's important to them you can then negotiate strategies that gets everyone what they want and that are in harmony with everyone's values. It is through this negotiation you get to the point where you identify what everyone needs to be satisfied.

Turning "No" into Know

How to orchestrate such a negotiation is a little bit beyond the scope of one article. Simply put, you need to have a conversation where you focus your attention on creating an alignment of your values. Once this alignment has been achieved then, and only then, try to work out strategies that will be successful in getting what you want while respecting what everyone's values.

Remember, "no" it is only a poorly communicated "yes". Make it into a treasure hunt and have fun and take the time to discover the "yes" hidden in "no" when you make requests.

Will You Take On This Practice - Yes or No?